Who the hell am I antway?

There they are @Zoe7 those wise, wise words. And @Former-Member has joined in to offer support, even hugs. I've NEVER had this before so thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, for listening and understanding. That doesn't happen often!

How did I deal with tnis at the time? I really have no idea! I even went to school that day, must have been traumatised, and in a catholic school too, which probably didn't offer any comfort. Years later, after the physical abuse especially, I found out there had been too much damage done and I could not have children. Even today if asked and it is surprisingly asked often, if I regret not having them, I rarely hesitate in saying no. But is this just a learned response? I always commented that teaching gave me plenty of kids, and I helped with my sister's kids and at one stage I was sure that I would foster. But it's all too late. Never expressed these doubts before either, so it's a day of recognitipn, I guess.

I'm sure, no, I know you understand those feelings of guilt and shame, but lately it's been a struggle to get away. And I have been snapping at my sister....it's just not me! So again I ask who the hell am I? If I don't recognise myself, who can? I don't want to shout it from the roof tops, noone close to me even knows that I'm struggling...but a little acknowledgement, I don't know would do what? Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrills of living has gone.. hope I'm not depressing anyone. But here I've finally found a place to cry out I guess. You see, I'm the one people come to, to talk, to listen, to vent, even to fix things, and I do... So why can't I do it for myself? It's just all too hard!

Justification, I spend days justifying my actions and get nowhere.

Thanks @Zoe7 for helping me to at least start or see that there is a point to starting to repair my soul. I actually thought it had been lost in the destruction. @Former-Member I believe you know something of how I'm feeling too, just a bad day? But it seems to be ongoing.

Sitting in the car waiting for my sister to finish an appointment. Time to reflect do you think? Or time to run yet again???

hi @Baileyboy ill have a better read and a better answer for you when i have a better mindset ok. sorry. hope you dont mind

This is not the time for reflection nor running @Baileyboy - this is the time to just clear your mind and BE.

I am going to have to leave soon to go to my appointment and chemist etc. but I will read you last post again when I return early evening and post back to you then.

Until then...

Relax, breathe, just BE...

@Baileyboy

Im sorry you had to go through all of that @Baileyboy

i have also faced the reality of suicide as well, so i know those feelings and how difficult it is in that sort of headspce. its very challenging in anyones right mind.

i ahvent meantioned this anywhere else but maybe it might help you if i do share it and to know your not alone in this. when i was being abused i thought i was pregnant at one stage and that was extremely scary in itself, that measn i would ahve had to come forwad and let it all out sooner. i was 16 myself and was definently not quipped to deal with a pregnancy or motherhood. Fortunatley for me i wasnt and im veyr sorry it happened worse to you than it did to me so i cant fully understand your pain but i can share it with you.

you are a kind and caring person and although you may not be able to see it others around you can inclduign myself even in my own stuffed up mind 😉

your very compassionate and empathetic and are full of good advice as well.

im in the same boat as you @Baileyboy with questioning who i am. i dont even recognise myself anymore but in time i know that both you and i and so many others will move forward and one day will be able to say this is who i am.

your also the same as many others on here with being able to fix others but not yourself @Baileyboy. its harder to help yourself that it is to help others esp is your caring and empathetic which you are. its easier to give someone just that little bit of hope, little bit of knowledge or little bit of light in a dark corridor and to hide your own pain or put it aside rather than face it. thats where the saying 'Its easier said than done" comes into it

so your very brave and courageous for opeing up on here. and im very proud of you. im sure youll get the support on here that you need and you deserve .you have my full support @Baileyboy and im sure many others on here are here for you as well

both @Zoe7 & @Former-Member are full of great advice and are both very insighful.

and @Former-Member im so very sorry youve had to go through that as well, i really feel for you

im sorry you had to go throguh all of this, it wasnt your fault, your not to blame for any of it. you can vent, share or respond as much ( or as little) as you like, theres someone always listening. your not alone on here. EVER