Who the hell am I antway?

The physical pain was masked by the emotional pain. Emotional pain can beso overwhelming that it can block/numb any tye of feelings therefore even though you were trying to physically hurt yourself to take away the emotional pain - both were working together to 'feel' nothing. To be continued...

Night @Baileyboy Will finish this one later for you to read.

You are very welcome to think of butterflies fluttering their wings above you, protecting you and guiding you to sleep as @Former-Member does tonight if that would help you have some peace.

Goodluck - chat tomorrow

Zoe

Hi Baileyboy, I have sent you an email regarding your recent post.

Hi @Baileyboy Am able to continue our discussion today if you are up to it.

Zoe

Hi @Zoe7 have just come online. Trying to review moderated posts but it is driving me up the wall. Try to tell you what I was saying in a different way.

At 16 there was a miscarriage at home while family slept and noone, even the priestly father, knew or knows about until now! This led to the disposal of everything. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I was in a position to end my life. Obviously it didn't work, at the time devestating, but now probably good. But I can remember those thoughts of me or them...ie suicide/homicide. Actually had the chance to go the other way but that didn't work either. I know I'm talking in circles but those animal instincts of what Im going to call survival are well known to me.

As I tried to tell you, these thoughts are close to everyone but they rarely become a reality. I have faced that reality.

Don't know what has triggered these memories/thoughts but can't seem to shake them. Thought today would be different...nah!

Thanks for getting back to me @Zoe7. Be interested to hear your wise words if you're up to it...Bb.

Wise words from me - no pressure then lol @Baileyboy

I'll read over your post again - and I do remember the content of the previous ones - and get back to you soon - hopefully with something that makes some sense! Stay tuned ...

@Baileyboy Firstly - what you endured is horrific and should not have happened! You deserved so much better - and still do

I am not sure if this will be a 'wise' response but it will be one from the heart!

What you had to 'suffer' through is nothing short of criminal - and to be alone and so young just adds to the trauma. Knowing that you were pregnant so young would be so hard to deal with - let alone under the circumstances - that is just an unthinkable situation to be placed in. Then to lose that baby and no-one is around to help and support you through your loss adds even more pain and heartache on top of what you are already feeling. I imagine you would have been feeling both loss and relief at the same time - and piled on top of that were your feelings of guilt, betrayal and shame. It is no wonder you had two options available to you and you considered both - I think that just about anyone in that situation would have similar conflicting thoughts.

So your 'survival' instincts kicked in - and so did (surprisingly) you values for human life. As much as you wanted the pain and heartache to stop - you wanted to survive more - that does not make it easy to deal with but it does mean that there is some hope in moving forward! Your core beliefs of valuing life and not hurting others as you have been hurt were also extremely prominent in your subconscious at the time - no matter how much you had been hurt you just could not fight the compassion within yourself to end someone else's life. Do not mistake this for compassion for your abuser - it is self-compassion and not wanting to carry the guilt that you have gone against what you believe - no matter how much of an impact it has had on you.

For whatever reasons these memories/thoughts have been triggered for you the two things that I see that you need to hold onto today are :

1. You were placed in a position and confronted with a choice that no-one should have to deal with - you chose NOT to act on EITHER of those choices and that shows both courage and strength.

2. You have dealt with so many conflicting emotions and the pain of your past for so long that it is inevitable that these memories/thoughts will resurface at times. This is when you begin to question decisions you have made (or have not made). That is one I also struggle a lot with - and although I know the past is the past and I cannot change it - it does not dimish the pain that I feel or the thoughts that I have - but talking and being supported through these periods does help to fill that lonely void that I have had within me for so long. I hope that in talking here you are also able to feel some love and some hope and especially some validation for what you are feeling.

You are not alone in dealing with all of this - and I will walk with you for as long as you need.

Zoe

@Zoe7 thankyou so much for just being there. I am very alone in this as noone knows so to blurt it out here might help don't you think?

Unfortunately, I am going to pull you into my loop. I DID actually act on my instincts, but was unsuccessful, so how does that change your impreesion of me. I tried to take my own life and later get revenge. I was left to deal with my attempts on my life and the good old priest club looked after him. It distresses me to realise that I had come to the cliff edge, teetering, unable to get eitner instinctive action right. Or so I would have thought then.

Now, I just remember the pain, mine, his and I wonder with shame how I could have dealt with the situation better. It wasn't all rubbish and yet I treated it as such. I must be a HORRIBLE person. Nothing justifies the choices I made.

And now I'm left with what? No wonder I feel so detatched. Too scared to relive that pain. Now you kknow my secret! As you said the past is the past, but we keep having to deal with it, conflicting emotions and all.

Than you so much for being there for me today. I didn't realise just how close to the surface these memories were. You make me feel NOT so alone. Am I ready or even do my feeling deserve to be validated.

Wise words @Zoe7. They do come natural to you.. Bb.

Hi @Baileyboy

I lost my first baby, similaryly, very young. im sorry youve been through so much.

@Baileyboy my opinion of you does not change at all- infact it may have just risen more

I cannot imagine being in the position you were in - but believe me - I have thought about both sceanarios many times over the years - and acted on one of those several times without 'success'. I actually do not know what I would have done if I was confronted with the 'oppotunity' to do something to my abusers - especially my ex - as still being alive myself from that trauma is often too hard to deal with.

Again - you endured so much, so young - on your own. How did you deal with that? - you have incredible strength and courage. It wasn't that YOU didn't get anything right - it was that THEY DID EVERYTHING WRONG and you suffered for it!

In regards to you being a horrible person - that is so far from the truth. You did the only thing you knew to do at the time and under the circumstances. You cannot blame yourself for that - again that is on THEM also for putting you in that incredibly difficult position.

There is absolutely no need for justification of anything here for you. All of this - and I do really mean ALL of this - was forced upon you by others. You were in a position where you could not see clearly and that is down to THEM also. You had your life 'taken' away and have had to deal with that - on your own - for so long. It has taken me a long time myself to start to believe that no fault or blame sits with me - and that is the same for you. The actions of others, the betrayal, the abuse of power - that have put us in a position that no-one should be placed in - have such an impact on our feelings of shame, guilt and worthlessness that we internalise these feelings and find it nearly impossible to accept that they are not what we should be feeling and we are not our feelings, and that we are infact good people and deserve to be happy.

I will do what I can do for you to help you find you own path and see deep inside yourself - I continue to struggle with all this also so I do know how difficult it is to try to repair one's 'soul' - and I am not going to assure you that it will happen or it will get better but I can assure you that I will do what I can to help you not feel so alone in trying to move forward.

...AND both you and your feelings DO DESERVE to be validated

...with you and listening...

Zoe

@Former-Member and lots and lots of hugs xoxoxo