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Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 8:45 pm AEDT

Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing.
its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope.
im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done.
dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry.
im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it.
Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it.
Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade.
my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont.
im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body.
i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it.
i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover.
there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end
but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected

1972 replies

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In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

MazaritaSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 11:39 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Former-Member, sorry you are having panic attacks, they're awful. The breathing exercises are something that might help if you wake up in distress too. Hugs, lil sis.

Hi @Dothemo, not sure if we've met before. Are you having trouble sleeping tonight? I'm a bit of a night owl so I tend to be up fairly late. Plus I'm on QLD time so that's an hour earlier than some other states. It's 10.37 where I am.

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

DothemoSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 11:41 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Oh that's rough @Former-Member,

I get them too at night sometimes, they are very disorientating aren't they? I usually get them between 1-3am, I'll wake up and my heart rate will be elavating - I jump up and pace usually talking to myself to try and calm down until it subsides again. I used to have a benzodiazapine class drug for when it happened but I don't anymore. How do yours manifest? What do you do to calm down?

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember26 Mar 2017, 11:42 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Mazarita i had three the other night so the night that led onto my migraine

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember26 Mar 2017, 11:45 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Dothemo

Sometimes i dont know what starts them ill just wake up with my heart racing and really electrical feeling through my body and harder to breathe and really shaking.

I think atm the deep breathing is probably the best esp all hours of the night i can still lay in bed and practice it

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

DothemoSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 11:45 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Hi @Mazarita, it's nice to meet you. I am from Canberra so it's 11:46pm here. I am not having insomnia tonight thankfully, I just wanted to chat to lil_caterpillar to see if I could help as she/he was kind enough to advise me on my severe health anxiety. I tend to stay up later because I enjoy the serenity of the night and find that my OCD and assoc. conditions improve at night for some reason. Do you suffer from insomnia sometimes?

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember26 Mar 2017, 11:47 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Same time where I am @Dothemo

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

DothemoSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 11:50 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Former-Member oh man I'm really sorry to hear that - it sounds very familiar to me. A friend of mine taught me this trick that I haven't tried yet, she has bought a single candle holder from Kmart with a candle and when she wakes up in panic she lights the candle and watches it burn down slowly whilst breathing. She swears by it! I haven't tried it yet but I can say I would want to get out of bed to do it otherwise the candle may not be blown out if one falls asleep I guess.

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember26 Mar 2017, 11:53 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Im a girl btw lol @Dothemo
I have my younger sister to crawl past if i want to do that and i don't think id sleep i would have to blow it out

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

DothemoSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 11:59 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Sorry about that @Former-Member! I try not to presume gender on these forums etc. Yes I can understand about having to blow the candle out, I'd worry about it too but I can see how it may be calming in case of panic attack etc.

Oh I learnt another cool trick today for insomnia but it may freak you out - it is very.. different! I stumbled upon this thing called ASMR on Youtube today. It is just people talking softly and whispering etc on a youtube video. It is meant to trigger the relaxation reflex which causes a tingling on the scalp. At first I found it weird watching it on my phone but I actually had a micro nap watching it haha! It put me to sleep! Anyways I hope you are starting to feel better.

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

MazaritaSenior Contributor27 Mar 2017, 12:04 am AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Dothemo, fantastic that you are here to support @Former-Member. I often have insomnia and broken sleep. Besides that I too love the serenity of night. It's great to hear that you get some relief from your OCD and other conditions at night.

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