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I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing. its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope. im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done. dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry. im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it. Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it. Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade. my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont. im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body. i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it. i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover. there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected
In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
MazaritaSenior Contributor
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
About how old are your sisters, @Former-Member? They sound young. So sorry it's hurting the way they are speaking to you. I wouldn't handle that well myself. Also sounds like you do carry a lot of the care-giving in the family. It's wonderful that you do it but not ideal that it takes such a toll on you, with migraines and mental health issues happening too. Do you have a room of your own that you can retreat to sometimes when things just get too much? Is there any chance of you getting any more sleep today, do you think? That might be making your nerves more on edge too.
In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Hi @Former-Member. I haven't wanted to intrrrupt the amazing conversation you and @Mazarita have been having. You're both wonderful 💛
While I don't have the experience with siblings you do little caterpillar, i know that having to manage my littles can feel so freaking hard sometimes. Their words can cut and when I'm feeling fragile, it hurts a lot. When they're full of energy and I'm far from that, i just want to run away at how inpossible it feels. When they're cranky, or tired, or bored it feels really hard.
Some things I try and do when it seems like we are all getting on top of each other or its too hard, colour in, draw or watch a movie together. These activities can be calming for us all. Sometimes a carboard box and any paints/textas/paper etc we have lying around can keep them happy for ages while I particpate by watching on. I leave the mess until later. It all depends on how old they are I guess though, but mine range from little to almost big and they all seem to enjoy this sometimes. The other thing they've all enjoyed, that requires little effort from me is making their own pinboard on pinterest too. It's creative, entertaining and might give some downtime to you for a while.
Hope your afternoon improves soon
In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Ps please ignore my typos 😮 i blame tiredness for this but really it's probably just my fingers moving slower than my brain
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
@Mazarita my youngest is 6 and my middle sister is 14, and yes im pretty much the primary carer of everyone in the house, not that i get any respect or that they care but i guess i have to do it anyway. no i dont have my own room to myself i share with the bth of them until mum her hubby and the girls until they find their own place. i dont want to leave the 14yr old with the 6 yr old as thats th way it started with me.
there isnt a chance for me to get any sleep until night time as mum isnt home and then itll be dinner time and then i think i have to watch the kids after that as weell until bed time so about 10ish as its the weekend.
@Former-Member your also wonderful and you can have as much say as you like. i can usually keep them occupied but its been raining for 3 weeks now but they still get out to do shopping and when it stops raining i take them for walks for bike ride or something and we still feed the horses every second day. i had the younger one painting before and watching a movie but after that it all went south
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
MazaritaSenior Contributor
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
You're wonderful, @Former-Member. I like your stories about your children too.
@Former-Member, so, just getting a bit of a picture of things for you, sounds like you normally only live with your pop. Or else that will be the case once your mum, her hubby and girls find their own place? And then you will have your own room and not so much in the way of caring for the sisters? If that's the case, it might be something to look forward to, that time when you will have your own room and more peace to take care of your health and wellbeing. Not sure if I've read things right though. I'm sorry you won't be able to get much if any more sleep before 10pm tonight. I hope you will be able to get a restful night then.
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
@Mazarita they have lived here for about a year and i was living with the whole bunch not including pop but the ownsers sold their house so they have been looking for a new house but we all came to the conclusion that ill be staying at pops house when they move out.
it isnt going to be easy when they move out either as ill still have to go over there and take them to school and pick them up and have them after school as well and have them usually on a weekend day as well.
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
MazaritaSenior Contributor
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
@Former-Member, still sounds like that will be better when your mum and the others get a place of their own. Taking sisters to school, picking them up and having them on a weekend day sounds better than having them pretty much all the time. And I think having a room of your own could make a big difference to your feelings of stress. We all need time out to ourselves. I personally need a lot of it. Otherwise things just drag me up and down and inside out and I can't find a point of stability within myself. Hugs!
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
yeah i just hope its soon @Mazarita
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
MazaritaSenior Contributor
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
I hope so too, @Former-Member, for your sake.
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
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