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Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 8:45 pm AEDT

Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing.
its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope.
im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done.
dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry.
im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it.
Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it.
Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade.
my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont.
im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body.
i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it.
i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover.
there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end
but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected

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In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 9:18 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

i dont even think a week is good now 😞

i told my friends tonight that it was almost one week and id love to have a chat as a distraction as i was struggling and they said 'wow only a week, is that all?" i dont even know how to respond to that 😞

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 9:22 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

So I really wish I could write the words I would respond to your friends with, but I think they would breach some kind of rule here @Former-Member. I am sorry your friends can't see how much of a massive effort you have put into taking control over your anxiety and big feelings like we can see.

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 9:23 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

my other post was removed, hold on a sec ill rewrite it according to the guidelines, might have been too graphic sorry @Former-Member

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 9:27 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Former-Member

My SH isnt something that i like to talk about, it use to be pretty much twice a day, ive managed to get down to once and as of last week ive been trying extemely hard to not do it at all.

but tonight i am really struggling with the urges to so it. after a hard week and after seeing a few triggering posts and a few things happening of recent its maing it alot harder for me to control.

i usually come on here for a distraction, listen to music or do art but ive tried all of those already but they arent working for me tonight.

i was suppsoe to be taking a break to recoup myself but i think it would be better if i talk to people who understand or can provide a distraction or both to help me get throguh this

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 9:31 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I was wondering if that might get removed, all good though I get the idea of what you're saying.

I understand and am happy to provide distracion for a while if you'd like. Did you ever get around to doing those zendoodle/zentangle drawings?

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 9:34 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

no i havent yet, im mainly focussing on my studies and the garden as i was starting to fall behind in my studies so i did all those yesterday and today and done some drawing of a night time and did a couple tonight @Former-Member i put the other comment back up but wihtout the graphic detail

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 9:38 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Far out - so if I am correct, you have been able to control your SH for a week (minus a few hours), learnt and used a whole bunch of new ways to cope and distract yourself, drawn an entire garden and shared it around for us all to appreciate, looked after every thing else you have going on in your life AND managed to study?!!! How? I am seriously impressed. Genuinely.

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 9:38 pm AEDT