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Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 8:45 pm AEDT

Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing.
its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope.
im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done.
dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry.
im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it.
Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it.
Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade.
my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont.
im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body.
i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it.
i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover.
there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end
but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected

1972 replies

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In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember24 Apr 2017, 12:40 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Ill reply to you long msg soon @Owlunar

But including all the shite. I have a very rude friend whom im not friends with now either

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember24 Apr 2017, 12:49 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

And my bathroom is getting done and i cant be at hoe so no study stuff or anything

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

OwlunarSenior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 1:13 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I get it @Phoenix_Rising

I now see my behaviour was a normal response to an abnormal situation - so long ago now - and I did not feel what I did was appropriate - but that was okay -

As you said - our situations were different - at the time I felt as if no one was listening - and I think that other people were totally out of depth with what was happening in my life - even my own parents

It helps if people understand - but unfortunately they don't always -

I wish you the best though - whatever happens -

Dec

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember24 Apr 2017, 1:51 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Thank you for your response @Owlunar it is very bloody hard

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

OwlunarSenior Contributor24 Apr 2017, 1:54 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

And @Former-Member

People who are consistently rude are not really our friends

ah uh - not at all

Dec

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember24 Apr 2017, 2:02 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Yeah i know @Owlunar i have no one now which is sad as im only 20 but i guess that's the way it goes.
I go to my gp on thursday for this lump hope fully you'll be around then
Amd then on the 10th of may so anothet week away i see the women's health nurse about the pelvic exam

Hopefully @Spookytookims will be around too
I know cheerbear going through heaps too

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember24 Apr 2017, 2:27 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Ooooohhhhh i feel really really sick and embarrassed and ashamed and all my sa memories are coming up. Story to long to write on phone will tell u later but ugh ugh i want to cry
@Spookytookims @Owlunar @Appleblossom @Faith-and-Hope @Mazarita

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember24 Apr 2017, 3:58 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Ok so this has set me off the rails and it set it off all the time.
The person who abused more than once and did othr things to me is the father of my youngest sister. He often sends a card at her birthday, easter and christmas but at easter and xmas he often sends a card but writes just to then our names from his name.
This time however he wrote to me and said to my name then love from dad- his name.
Its making me feel very sick and bringing up a lot of memories and sensations and its disgusting me. I cant stand being in my own body. I feel really gross

@Owlunar@Former-Member@Adge@Former-Member

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember24 Apr 2017, 4:18 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Hi @Former-Member,

It is really hard when something triggers those memories and these sensations that you mentioned are totally normal and understandable given what you have been through.

As hard as these sensations are, it is important that you are feeling safe and grounded at the moment. So are you at home at the moment? If you are can you go into your room and create a safe space for yourself?

Perhaps you could use some mindfulness techniques with something that brings you comfort. That might be looking for all the colours of the rainbow in your room or lighting a candle and focusing on the smell...whatever you feel will work for you at the moment while you let these feeling wash over you.

Thinking of you.

Keep posting here if you find it helps

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember24 Apr 2017, 4:47 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

i dont want to be here atm @Former-Member

i dont want to be anywhere esp not in my body. i dont like it at all

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