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Something’s not right

Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember

Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing.
its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope.
im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done.
dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry.
im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it.
Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it.
Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade.
my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont.
im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body.
i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it.
i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover.
there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end
but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected

1972 replies

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In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

KobeCatSenior Contributor

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Hi All

As moderators we decided to take the thread down in order to maintain the safety of the community.

If you disagree, please email us, and your email will be forwarded to the community managers for review.

Please look after yourselves.

Kobe

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Former-MemberThanks for your explanation (that helps a lot) - it gave me quite a shock to find that my post (reply) had disappeared without any explanation.

Under my childhood abuse support site rules - the writer of the post (me)(not thread) would have received notification of any removal (or editing) of a post.

I recieved no notification of removal, so I had no way of knowing that it was removed.

Yes please do @ mention me in your other thread.

Thanks.

Adge

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

SpookytookimsSenior Contributor

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I find that very disconcerting @Adge when that happens. Sometimes it takes a lot to type things out, then poof they are disappeared. I know of others who also have had this happen to them, ,myself included obviously.

Sometimes it feels very one sided and invalidating. Probably two of the worst things you can feel when posting very personal subjects. I've mentioned this before to moderators but there seems to be a lack of "Oh I get that" with it.

I'm not saying they don't mean to do a good job, I'm sure they do. But there is an effect it has that doesn't seem to be being taken into consideration when these decisions are being made.

That's how it feels, anyhow.

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

KobeCatSenior Contributor

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

HI @Adge

I am sorry it took awhile for the email to reach you, tonight has been especially busy on the forum.

I sent the email just after 9pm, please let me know if you didn't receive it, and I can resend.

Once again, apologies for the late notification.

Kobe

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

i asked them to remove the whole thread @Adge @Spookytookims@Former-Member

your post might have been approved at the same time as me deleting it. high possibility

but i get what your all saying about the posts removal but i thought id add that bit in as well

@Adge ill tag you in the other thread just have to find it

@Spookytookims@Adge@Former-Member

things arent easier for me now that im home. everything in reality has really hit me hard.

all my thoughts and memories are coming up about the SA another pstd event of mine, upcoming tests and the final exam of my course, the 2 weeks remaining of the course, everythings that happened over the past day and grief and now after the distress i seen come out in people in that thread

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Former-Member,

I guessed why it was deleted, don't worry.

I hope you're okay.

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Spookytookims

I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced that too (with posts disappearing).

Yes it does feel invalidating, & comes as quite a shock.

Like you, it takes me a lot of time & effort to type things out - I don't find typing to be a very effective means of communication.

Too much effort (too slow)!

I don't question motivations - I assume there are usually very good intentions.

Lack of transparency in decisions & actions (for anyone) is very difficult to deal with.

Thanks, what you shared helps.

Adge

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Former-Member not really. I wish i hadnt started that thread now. I'm glad there wasnt many who read it but i didn't mean to trigger anyone.
Ive got soo many things swirling around this head of mine

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I've started threads on csa myself and I think it's partly who's around and what state of mind they are in. I think you're the kind of person who is very sensitive and would be distressed about triggering others. I don't think anyone got too upset. And I totally get you wanting to discuss it. I wish I could go to a private thread and talk to you about what you want to talk about on the topic.
What's going on in your head? I'm guessing you are stressing about your exam? Do you feel prepared for it, or do you need more time? Cause you can always ask the lecturer for an extension? Particularly if you get a medical certificate.

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Former-Member i have another thread under sexual abuse.i just tagged you in it i can talk you in there about that topic
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