Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Former-Member Yeah the internet can be a double-edged sword when it comes to looking up medical stuff. I have found that when I'm riding a wave, I need to super focus on staying in the present. I tell myself that I only have to focus on RIGHT NOW. I don't have to think about tomorrow and I certainly don't have to think about something that is weeks away. Part of riding the wave is staying in the present.

About 18 months ago, I had to have an internal ultrasound to check for any badies that were causing my menstral cycle to go wacky. The procedure was pretty much like a pap smear. I was struggling with the whole concept, but I told myself that I wasn't going to die for the sake of a few minutes of unpleasantness. I also told myself that if there was an issue, it was MUCH better to get it sorted sooner rather than later - things were likely to be more intrusive if something nasty was left unchecked for too long. Third, I did a lot of self-talk around the idea of "good touching" and "bad touching." Even though this touching SEEMED icky, it was actually good touching because it was to help me stay well and look after my body. I was CHOOSING this touching as a way of looking after myself.

I actually had the procedure done by a man. I would certainly have preferred a woman, but I have to say, he was extremely self-aware of the nature of what he was doing and was so totally respectful, I coped fine. He explained what was going to happen and, very importantly, he told me that I could ask him to stop at any time and he would stop immediately. So...even though it wasn't the most fun 15 minutes of my life, it was less scary and less icky than I thought it would be. And afterwards I came out actually feeling super empowered because I had done something that I was super scared of doing. I super love the empowered feeling - it's one of my favourite feelings.

sounds interesting @CheerBear im not much for the cup song but learnign something new is definently in my element but i dont want to start learning something new otherwise it will over take my studies and im already behind yet again

@Phoenix_Risingi know there are good websites to look at but i dont want to come across anything

but focussing on right now i cant seem to do i have too many other thoughts running away and i cant stop them. how did you focus on the now?

and yes i get what your saying about the touching- i was saying to @CheerBear the other day taht maybe i should try to keep my mindframe that its for my health and nothing more and that its there job

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and yes i get what your saying about the touching- i was saying to @CheerBear the other day taht maybe i should try to keep my mindframe that its for my health and nothing more and that its there job

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That sounds like super good advice from @CheerBear.

You asked how I focus on the present @Former-Member. Um...well when I'm super flooded, I don't think I actually have a choice because I can't process anything. That's the sort of state where, if I tried calling lifeline, they would hang up on me because I will be making a whole lot of noise and at best will get out single words such as "hurt" which I will just repeat over and over.

What I'm hearing is that you are in a different space right now, where your brain is working overtime thinking about the test and this is leading to feelings of ...um...maybe fear and dread around the test? Does that sound right? Hmmm...when I have thoughts going around and around and AROUND in my brain over things which I have no control over in the present, sometimes I've found it helpful to write it all out. And I actually find handwriting it, rather than typing it, more helpful. I'm not sure why that is, although I've read somewhere that we use a different part of our brain for writing vs typing. I have found the idea of just writing whatever flows out of my brain super helpful. The idea is to just keep writing, no matter what. If you can't think what to write, then you write "I can't think what to write." Sometimes I will just write a single word like "scared" over and over again until something else pops into my brain. Do you see what I mean? You just keep writing. Even though it FEELS like the thoughts and feelings are bottomless and will go on forever, I am 100% certain that if you start writing out all that stuff that is circling in your brain, you WON'T be writing forever. There IS a bottom to the overwhelming emotions you are feeling right now. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

uh yeah i think that makes sense @Phoenix_Rising

yes im completley dreading the test to the point its really hard not to think about anything else. its literally scaring the shite out of me. thats where the research come in but i dont think the internet is wise. maybe i should make an appointment to see my nurse to ask all these questions....

@Former-Member I think asking your nurse is definitely a wiser idea than asking Dr. Google.

I know you are super struggling right now, but I have to say, your post made me smile. I know some people have the habit of using the word "literally" when they don't actually mean "literally"...which makes it doubly tricky for this little extremely literal aspie turtle to understand what they are saying sometimes. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that your use of the word "literal" in that post was misplaced. Of course, I could be wrong. For example, I know I tend to get diarrhoea when I am super anxious...but I'm not sure if that is what you are describing??? And on that happy note, this little aspie turtle is going to sign off from your thread and start making her way through Forum Land to her goodnight thread.

Night @Former-Member. I super hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you.

yes sorry i shoudldve used another word...

thank you for sticking with me tonight @Phoenix_Rising sleep well