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Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 8:45 pm AEDT

Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing.
its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope.
im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done.
dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry.
im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it.
Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it.
Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade.
my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont.
im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body.
i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it.
i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover.
there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end
but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected

1972 replies

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In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember31 Mar 2017, 8:51 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

yes @Shaz51@Former-Member she is a clinical psychologist who is in a suicidal prevention program and has had more training in that area. she probably doesnt think im serious when i tel her thinks becasue of tha stupid habit she pointed out today.

she should realsie how drained i am becasue when i was having very serious thoughts i got in contract with her as well and had a phone appointment with her the same day.

i feel like shes trying to push me to have a better relationship with my mum as i only have here and health professionals for support. i dont have any friends or family who support me and they jsut tell me to grow up. but im ok with not having to tell my mother everything thats going on it makes things alittle easier i just wish she would listen to me when i say look im struggling i need a break dn then she doesnt take me seriously. please done go into the mothers scared thing or doesnt understand i ahve been throught these convos with her numerous times and i know her past and her past would sugegst she would care vut obviously not and i cant do it anymore i come out more worse than i went in there with.

i am sitting on a fence becasue i dont know how to proceed and what she wants me to think about which is again talking to my mum i dont want to do and its making me more distressed and frustrted becasue ive gone voer this so many times i feel like a record player and my story never changes.

i cant stp thinking about it @Shaz51@Former-Member its got me really worked up and ringign a helpline to get clarification did nothing as we didnt get into it

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember31 Mar 2017, 9:01 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Faith-and-Hope @utopia any thoughts?

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

CheerBearSenior Contributor31 Mar 2017, 9:04 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I'm probably not going to be much help here @Former-Member but sometimes therapy of whatever type can feel like going round and round in circles for me too. It can be so frustrating and I find it hard to manage that on top of the emotions it stirs as well as trying to actually function in 'life' too. Sometimes though, once things settle something might click, or I feel more strongly about a particular thing I was unsure of after my session, or I have a bit of an ah-hah moment. It's those times I look for. I think without them I'd struggle to find reason to go back.

Maybe in a couple of days something like that will happen for you. Could you try to sleep on it and think about it with a fresher mind?

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor31 Mar 2017, 9:09 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

If you really can't get s comfort level @Former-Member you can try a new therapist .....

Or you can try communicating with your mum via a letter perhaps. I find that easier than talking to people sometimes, because you can edit it and get it right, and until you get a response, it's actually a one-sided convo .... you get to say what you want to say without being interrupted.

💙💕

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember31 Mar 2017, 9:09 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

sometimes that does happen @CheerBear but im so rallied up about it i literally can think of anything else and its driving me nuts trying to work out what it is she asking, what is that she can see that i cant see, what does she want from me. and i only ahve two months to get out as much as i can before i move back from the program and i cant get my brain to function fast enough and thats frustrating me and i cant bloody think clearly

im finding it very distressing and its really upsetting me and i cant push it out of my mind

i cant even focus on my art, i dont even want to do my artwork

and the fact that the helpline didnt make it any clearer isnt helping me

what am i diong wrong? what am i not seeing?

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember31 Mar 2017, 9:13 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

i have @Faith-and-Hope i cant do it anymore. ive talked to her in person twice and ive written her text messages and a letter and as she wasnt home i sent her a pic of it and jesus christ she wasnt happy when she got home

i cant change therapists i have bloody 6 sessions back to kick myself into gear otherwise that program has been a watse of time and im still stuck where i was before that. how the heck am i going to get throught talking about more distressing events and eventually exposure therapy if i cant even cope with relationships and work out what it is that my therapist its asking me

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

CheerBearSenior Contributor31 Mar 2017, 9:18 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Oh @Former-Member, feeling like you're doing something 'wrong' after your session, doesn't sound like much is going right within the session, and there could be a billion reasons why that is, very few of which I would think would be because you're not 'doing it right'. Maybe you're not quite ready to tackle this stuff the way your therapist wants you to. Maybe it's going to take some time for it to click. Maybe what your therapist wants you to do and why hasn't been explained clearly enough. Maybe it just isn't right for you, or right for you right now. It sounds like she wants you to increase the support you have around you, and that's a very reasonable thing for people to try and support you to do. But maybe she doesn't really understand why that's so difficult.

I really like @Faith-and-Hope idea of writing a letter. Sometimes in writing to someone, things make more sense both for the person writing and the person receiving it. Is that something you could try?

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember31 Mar 2017, 9:24 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

she is a clinical psychologist who is in a suicidal prevention program and has had more training in that area. she probably doesnt think im serious when i tel her thinks becasue of tha stupid habit she pointed out today.
she should realsie how drained i am becasue when i was having very serious thoughts i got in contract with her as well and had a phone appointment with her the same day.
i feel like shes trying to push me to have a better relationship with my mum as i only have here and health professionals for support. i dont have any friends or family who support me and they jsut tell me to grow up. but im ok with not having to tell my mother everything thats going on it makes things alittle easier i just wish she would listen to me when i say look im struggling i need a break dn then she doesnt take me seriously. please done go into the mothers scared thing or doesnt understand i ahve been throught these convos with her numerous times and i know her past and her past would sugegst she would care vut obviously not and i cant do it anymore i come out more worse than i went in there with.
i am sitting on a fence becasue i dont know how to proceed and what she wants me to think about which is again talking to my mum i dont want to do and its making me more distressed and frustrted becasue ive gone voer this so many times i feel like a record player and my story never changes.

ive talked to her in person twice and ive written her text messages and a letter and as she wasnt home i sent her a pic of it and jesus christ she wasnt happy when she got home

@CheerBear@Faith-and-Hope@Shaz51@Former-Member

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

CheerBearSenior Contributor31 Mar 2017, 9:34 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

It sounds really really tough @Former-Member and disappointing to hear. I wish there was something more helpful I could say, but I don't know if I can.

Huge hugs to you though. Keep trying to do the things for you that feel good. Try and put this worry in a box to the side to deal with when you're feeling more clear headed and strong maybe. As hard as it is to do, later at night when i feel most alone and stuck with my head, i don't really find any benefit in going over and over things. I can end up getting worked up and even more frustrated at myself and everything, and then feel overwhelmed. Tomorrow this will still be here to tackle. Tomorrow it might be easier to work out.

Breathe. Be gentle with yourself and kind to yourself. Try really hard to say to yourself the things you'd say to someone you cared about and love.

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor31 Mar 2017, 9:47 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I really feel for you @Former-Member and I so very badly wish I had a magic solution for you. Sadly I don't, but I will say this: you should not come out of a therapy session feeling this level of distress. Do not think that because someone has a particular qualification (e.g. clinical psychologist) that she is an "expert" and that it must somehow be your fault that things aren't working. If it isn't working, it isn't working.

As you know, I spent 16 years with an abusive therapist, and then I went through eight distressing experiences with a further eight therapists before settling with my current psychologist. My current psychologist and I are SUPER struggling...but I still know she is the right match. It is a horrible muddle at the moment because of my history - but my inside tells me that she is safe and that we are going to figure it out. Trust your inside @Former-Member. You are the expert on you. Yes, therapy is supposed to be difficult...but not THAT difficult. It should not do you harm. It should sort-of feel like...um...like a hard workout at the gym - painful, but painful in a good way...if you know what I mean. You should not come out of a session feeling horrendous. That is not ok.

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