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Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 8:45 pm AEDT

Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing.
its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope.
im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done.
dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry.
im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it.
Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it.
Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade.
my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont.
im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body.
i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it.
i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover.
there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end
but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected

1972 replies

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In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2017, 3:24 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Oh just when i thought i was ok BAM nope!
Im trying very hard to keep my promise to you @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Zoe7
But im struggling with it.
Nothing i ever do is good enough.
Its my fault im tired. Its my fault im lazy. Its my fault my fault MY FAULT
Oh and now im a shite sister because im tired to go feed the stupid horses today. I told mum to take them down to feed them and she gave me the i don't think so look. I cant dissapoint them but its my fault

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2017, 3:36 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

im done

i dont know where ill be hopefully away from everyone and everything.

i just cant be here there or anywhere

@Former-Member @Former-Member

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor29 Mar 2017, 3:44 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I know you're feeling crap about it in this moment @Former-Member .... but it's not the horses fault .... and if you do manage to get yourself down there, that's a big sc ✅ .....

The sight, sound, feel and smell of the horses is so self-nurturing ..... just talking to you about them I can see that special shake of a horses head that gets their harness jingling ..... hear the snort from their nostrils .... see that special little shiver that runs down their back from their mane .... see the flick of their tails .... and feel the stomp of their hooves on the ground in greeting .....

I love that long narrow bone that runs up their nose as you pat their face .... and how strong and wide their cheek to jawbone is .... the big mellow look in their eyes as they swing their head around to see what you're up to .....

It such a special thing to be around horses .... ❣. Just hearing about it from you sends waves of sc through me .....

I have to thank you for that ....

I hope you do manage to go @lik-caterpillar .... and breathe in some of that special horsey smell for me. I am so glad I have experienced horses in my life and get to carry that sensory memory around with me.

Hugs ..... 🤗💙💕

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2017, 3:55 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

i dont care any more @Faith-and-Hope it isnt self care for me any more its just another job. it use to be my favourite thing but now its not, id love to get that feeling back again one day but its just not happening for me at the moment.

crap doesnt begin to describe what im feeling. and its not just for a moment its my life.

i was once told my eyes use to sparkle and they use to be a brighter blue and recently when i went to get them checked by an iridologist she said theres no sparkle there at all and shes very concerned. it looks like the lights have gone out and non ones home. the colour of my eyes ar dull and thye lok almost lifeless.

the struggle never stops, the hurt never stops, the guilt and grief never stop. everything is my fault and i cant see an end to it any more

i dont own my own horse and the horse i am riding is a total b17ch and we dont really get along anyway. so honeslty its not special to me any more esp when i have no friends to share it with it. it really is just another job at the moment

i have plenty of pictures if you want to see them for your liking though, i wont keep it from you and if it gives you joy then your welcome to share it with me

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor29 Mar 2017, 3:58 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

It does bring me joy @Former-Member ....

Thank you for allowing me to share that with you .... special that you can .....

💙💕

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2017, 4:02 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Hi @Former-Member,

I've sent you an email to check in. Sounds like you're really struggling at the moment. We are here for you to try and help you find ways to stay safe, but if you're feeling as though you are in immediate crisis, it's really important that you contact a crisis service or emergency services if you need to. You've got your GP appointment at 5PM today right? You could call Lifeline or Suicide Call Back Service between then and now if you need some support to get you through?

supernova.

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2017, 4:16 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

yes i have my gp at 5 @Former-Member

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2017, 4:34 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

ok @Faith-and-Hope

here is a pic of my horse. and me riding a few weeks ago before the rain set in. i had to rub out the boots as they have her name on them and i know nothing can be identifiable on here

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2017, 5:24 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Shaz51 @Zoe7 @funshine @utopia @BlueBay @Dothemo @Pepsimax @Phoenix_Rising above msg for you guys too if you like horses

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2017, 6:25 pm AEDT

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Gp update soon @funshine @Faith-and-Hope @utopia @Former-Member @Mazarita @Zoe7
Still not great but im 'ok' no more thoughts about ending it for a while now

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