Mum of depressed teen - struggling!

Hi, sorry to hear this - Its HARD! - there is no other way to say it. @EK

The most important lesson I learned was to listen. Dont assume that you will change them; just listen to them and there needs.

Learn to listen, and not judge. I personally found this video - was useful to help train me to listen. https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc?si=dJVZKfHJ3aZRde8m

2nd of all. Look for signs that its not just depression - it might be tied with BPD, Autism, etc; because I have found that diagnosis are really singular.

Hope things go ok.

@EK I'm really encouraged to hear you reaching out for helping & support in supporting your daughter. It shows you care deeply for her, but also recognise that it isn't easy for you and the wisdom that support for yourself is equally important too.

I say this as a person who has had depression since I was pre-teen and know it has not been an easy path for my mum either.

Which also within the context of enduring depression makes me so so glad to hear @Ramman 's gem of advice and wisdom.

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@Ramman wrote:

2nd of all. Look for signs that its not just depression - it might be tied with BPD, Autism, etc; because I have found that diagnosis are really singular.

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After nearly 25 years of having a singular diagnosis of "treatment resistant depression", only this year a doctor has suspected that it is not just depression. It is almost certainly undiagnosed autism. I can't say yet that it is, because I'm only half-way through the assessments and won't have the outcome for awhile. However, after I did reading into it and then answering questions from the psychologist in the assessment interviews... if it's not autism also - I'll be shocked. It explains so many things - even more than my depression.

Yet no psychologist, psychiatrist, GP, etc in the past has ever raised it despite an atypical presentation.
So I am so glad to read someone suggesting to "keep an eye out" and an open mind. It encourages me personally to read it.

@EK

If she depressed its usually because she's having supressed emotions or responding to a stressful time period. Sometimes things pile on, its important to identify what her strongest thoughts are and which ones to focus on first. Obviously she will need to exercise, continue the things that soothe her, but really she needs medication, a professional in her ear making her feel everything is ok and she will come out of this. Make sure shes eating correctly, breakfast, lunch, dinner but also making sure she gets frequent sunlight especially in the morning when she wakes up encourage her to go for walks. What i'm hearing is that it is really hard for you too, so what you can try is strengthen your mood as she's battling her deamons. She needs someone to check in on her as a friend asking things like can I bring you some food? The less demanding and the more giving is key to navigating her needs. She will not respond well to complexity but hourly check ups is crucial. Avoid letting her do whatever she wants, there needs to be boundaries to encourage what is good for her and what isn't. The goal is to get better the fastest so seek professional advice, never give up and there is light at the end. One day at a time. a bit better than the day before is progress.

Thank you so much for these insights! I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. It’s been tough as my husband and I have been on the cusp of separation for 2 years or so and it’s stressful for her. She says she wants me to get divorced though obviously doesn’t fully understand the situation or the ramifications. I need to find her a therapist that she can speak to weekly. She has a great psychologist but there are no real strategies being implemented and due to cost/availability she can only really go monthly, which isn’t enough I think! I’m going go really try (again) to get her to do a short walk each morning and set some gentle, healthy boundaries 🙂

@Amber99 @Ramman

Thanks for your empathic reply. Sounds like you’ve been suffering for a long time yourself. I’m so sorry to hear that. Getting to the bottom of these diagnoses really is dependent on many factors including someone to advocate for you, perseverance (which you must have an abundance off), the experience and understanding of the medical professionals you deal with and like you said, keeping an open mind. I am convinced something else I going on with my daughter and that we are both probably undiagnosed neuro spicy 😆 Good luck to you in getting some answers!

Interesting that you mention divorce coming from your daughter. Both my daughters wanted me to get divorced for 2+ years prior to separation. Has it made then better- no; but they now have a safe place to develop and mature.

Kids can be very perceptive.

@EK

As much as a 16 yo can’t decide the fate of her parent’s marriage, I can’t ignore her feelings at the same time and want her to ensure she feels emotionally safe and comfortable. Like you say, they can be very perceptive…The harder thing for me is that my 14yo son does not feel the same way! I hope you have got through those difficult times and are happy now 🙂

@Ramman @Amber99 @AlwaysMyself

Not wanting to get off topic too much.

Yes the relationship was toxic and my Ex did say some horrible things to the children, and has some strange views about mental health.

I am a lot happier; kids are happier; they both getting help for there mental health. I have the kids in my care full time, and there are many challenges every day of every week. I think it was the right thing to do.

@EK I wonder if perhaps it could still be a good conversation with your daughter about why she wants you and your husband to get divorced? And what she understands as the impacts/ramifications, and open that discussion for you to also help her understand the reasons you and your husband are considering not divorcing also?

I say this again as I relate a lot to it. I wished my parents had divorced when I was 12, but I never voiced this because there was no indication/discussion of it in the family. It wasn't until I was 18 and said I was going to move out of home that the topic of my parents getting a divorce became raised. My mum stayed with my dad all those years because she thought it was the best thing for us children, but when we were all going to move out there was no way she wanted to stay with him! She never realised how strongly I felt as a child about the distress from living with the family arguments (plus we were a Christian family - and divorce was fairly taboo outside infidelity or abuse reasons). Admittedly, it would have been financially much harder to live on my mums income (and child-support payments from my dad) - but we both agree that in hindsight it may have actually been better for our family's mental health.

I hear you on the complicating factor of your son also though who doesn't want you to get divorced! Literally can't "please" both. 😞

Let me know if you would find it helpful to post some links to websites that I think explain well some "signs" for autism & adhd in females. I found it really helpful myself when I realised how it can be different from the stereotyped presentations, as well as how autism & adhd can interact and modify each other.

Thanks for your advice and perspective. I’ll definitely try and delve deeper on the topic with my daughter. I’d love the links you mentioned - thank you for taking the time to share 🙂