Co-parenting issues

Hi everyone,

I'm in a bind right now with my Ex around co-parenting and communication. I'm trying to keep out of negative thoughts but its stressful. There's a lot to go through and privacy considerations as well of course so bear with me and my vague story in parts. But I need some backing and nudges in the right directions. My Ex has lost trust in me as a parent. We are due to discuss the issues tomorrow night and tonight I need to draft notes and a plans to discuss with her. My stress and AuDHD get in the way here and I just miss or ignore perspectives at times. However, there are things about this interaction that are not right (my PoV down below).

The overarching issue is "I lied by omission or outright lied" (her words) to Ex regarding some parenting decisions I made away from her. Then ignored her wishes on a third decision while she is processing the first two issues. That last one was a genuine ADHD brain fart: I handed a form into the school rather than holding onto it for a discussion.

We're sitting down tomorrow night to discuss what co-parenting looks like now. We're separated because we cant effectively communicate, because I can't or don't communicate when stressed. I don't want to fly into a stress induced anger, so I hold back. I also just miss points of view or assume without asking at times.

The issue to discuss and that I need to make notes and draft discussion tonight over is: the kids (7 & 5) are old enough to perceive the lying and learn the concept of not telling one parent or both. So I need to have a plan that includes a discussion to them about what I did. That's fine - I'll wear my mistakes and I've talked to the kids already about the immediate parenting mistakes I made. What I mean is: I told them it was my mistake to allow an activity that me and Ex have previously said wasn't ok. That was one of the lies of omission and now that activity is ok with Dad and not Mum.

I'm struggling with getting into that "what are the kids seeing" point of view, along with the parenting and circles of safety things about that. I'm overwhelmed how to start the study in those situations. Any good resources would be welcomed, especially stuff for dads.

These recent interactions have been very negative to the point that I don't think I'm being unreasonable to not engage. Yesterday, Ex said at handover (without the kids present) that she was going to talk to the kids alone about me lying to her and how that's not ok. She said she may keep the discussion generic instead. Then said if I don't bring to her tomorrow an acceptable plan for solving this for her and how I talk to the kids about that "you won't like what happens next". I am disgusted by this language but feel like I have no leg to stand on to push back on it. She is threatening legal action and the like, not abusive behaviour, please respect that. I'm in the wrong I know, but I will not accept abuse like that. I can't and don't want to detail more - but she knows better than to say things like that. I acknowledge shes stressed too, but that was outright wrong.

I know that's a huge vent and I do need to get past all the emotion and focus on the results for the kids. Here's the thing though: I want to be fair to Ex - I'm presenting my take on her words. I'm not great at retaining details and misinterpret a lot of things said or unsaid. But an open threat like that wasn't fair even I can see that.

I'm safe, I'm seeking proper mental and emotional health. I've spoken to Mensline (awsome immediate resource). But I'm stressed and overwhelmed as well.

Cheers,

Sandy