Co-parenting issues

Hello @Sandbank-Curing

Welcome to the SANE forums 😊

Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly.

It sounds like you are navigating a really challenging situation.

It is so good that you are reaching out for support and expressing yourself.

Mensline is a great immediate resource for sure. I've heard great feedback about Mensline.

I am glad you have found them beneficial.

There is Lifeline 131114 and Beyond Blue 1300224636 as well, and both of those services have webchat which you might find handy.

Here is a link to a thread you might like to check out and introduce yourself to the community https://saneforums.org/t5/Welcome-and-getting-started/Welcome-Introduce-yourself-here/m-p/1149480

The forums are a beautiful supportive community sharing their experiences, challenges, coping strategies and more!

We're glad you're here with us 😊

Sending you all my best this morning.

Take good care of yourself.

hopeful_hannah 🤗

Hey @Sandbank-Curing

I can see that @hopeful_hannah has already jumped in with some wonderful support, so I thought I'd pop in and offer you some support as well.

I hear you, and I can tell how much you're carrying right now. It is incredibly difficult to navigate co-parenting when you're managing AuDHD (I am also AuDHD), high stress, and the weight of past mistakes all at once. It is a lot to process in one night.

First, take a deep breath. The fact that you've already spoken to Mensline and are seeking help shows you are prioritising being a stable parent. Regarding the "you won't like what happens next" comment, you are absolutely right to feel unsettled. Even when you've made a mistake, threats and ultimatums aren't productive for co-parenting. However, the goal for the meeting is de-escalation.

I wanted to share some notes and a draft for the discussion. It is up to you whether you take on these things; it's okay if you choose not to. I just thought it might be useful to you.

To address your struggle with seeing their perspective: at 5 and 7, kids thrive on predictability. When they see "Dad says yes, but Mum says no (and Dad hid it)," it creates a "split world" for them. It makes them feel like they have to manage the adults' emotions or pick a side. The kids need to know that Mum and Dad are a "team" of safety, even if they live in different houses. Your plan should show them that honesty is what keeps that team strong.

As for your notes for the meeting, I think it would be best to focus on accountability and systems (to manage the AuDHD symptoms).

Owning the Mistakes:

• Acknowledge the Impact: "I realise that by not being transparent, I damaged your trust and created a confusing environment for the kids. I want to fix that."
• The School Form: "That was a lapse in my AuDHD management, not a lack of respect for your input. I am looking into tools to ensure documents are held for discussion in the future."

Plan for the Kids:

• Joint Messaging: suggest telling the kids together (or in a unified way): "Dad made a mistake by not talking to Mum first about [activity]. In our family, we tell the truth so everyone stays safe and happy. Dad is working on being a better communicator."
• Consistency: "I will revert to our agreed-upon rules for [activity] until we both agree to change it."

Systems for Communication (The AuDHD Support):

• The 24-Hour Rule: propose that for any non-emergency decision, you will message her and wait 24 hours for a reply before acting.
• Shared Digital Calendar/App: Using a shared digital calendar/app removes the "memory" burden from your brain and puts it into a system she can see.

Addressing the Threat: You can address the "you won't like what happens next" comment without being combative. Use "I" statements to avoid the cycle of anger. You could say something like:

"I want to address something you said yesterday. When you told me, 'I wouldn't like what happens next', it made it very difficult for me to focus on the collaborative work we need to do for the kids. I am here in good faith to fix my mistakes, but I need us to communicate without ultimatums so I can stay regulated and focused on the kids' best interests."

Since you mentioned "flying into stress-induced anger" or missing points. Bring a notebook with you. Tell her, "I am going to take notes while you speak so I don't miss your perspective or get overwhelmed." This gives you a physical task to do with your hands and a reason to pause before responding.

Sending you so much strength!

A quick update as I'm still time poor while I juggle all the commitments I have today. Overall things haven't improved much with more incidents of negative communications with my Ex. Last night, I was actually engaging and trying to communicate just about logistics and I recieved more threats. And I spiraled instead of focussing on working on content for our discussion.

However, thanks again the Mensline and a close friend who describes himself as a hard case; I was able to push back on my Ex's communication without putting further stress on the situation. She backed off a bit and clarified (I feel I need to do the same here to be fair to her) that she wasn't talking about keeping the kids from me (I never actually thought she would). Rather her threats are that: our lives will separate more and the kids will be affected. It helped pull me clear the anger I had about the threats. And TBH its what I've wanted and been doing passively the whole time.

Thanks for the replies once again. I will check in later on. I'll try in the following weeks to make time to look in on the forums and commit some time to helping others who come along.

Sandy

Hey @Sandbank-Curing ,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing and being so transparent about what's going on for you.

I hear your concerns and that you want to do what's right for your children.

I also hear that you recognise things you are good at and things you need to work on. Communication and conversation is 2 way. Whilst you recognise areas of communication you would like to work on, I also read that there's some work from your ex's side as well.

You mentioned that you are not good at communicating with you are upset or angry - isn't that all of us? After a lot of training, I learnt to step away and not respond because whatever I say when upset, would be reactive. This saved/s me from a lot of conflict and misunderstanding.

Whilst we cannot change your ex, what does your next step look like so you can better yourself?

I should also point out, way to go for reaching out to Mensline and trusted people!

How did you go with writing everything down last night @Sandbank-Curing ?

Thinking of you and hope you are okay.

TL/DR: I'm better than I started, my mental state is much better. But I have a number of actions I need to manage from now on.

I'm happy to provide an update though and I greatly appreciate the check-ins. First an foremost though; I think I need to be a bit brief from now on. I don't want too much detail in the public sphere in case this post gets found.

Overall, the discussion was calming and concerning for me. My Ex spoke described meant by her open ended threats leading up to the discussion. In summary we would act as entirely separate parents. No shared events, no discussions about parenting decisions, no input or say over what goes on across our two houses. Plus no shared resources like family memberships, accounts or bank accounts for direct debits . Personally I'd be happy with some extra distance in our parenting relationship but would prefer to maintain some of shared resources for logistics.

The concerning parts of the conversation is how she plans to discus the change with the children. Explaining that she doesn't want or deserve people in her life that treat her a certain way and nor should they. While that's a fair need, she will call out and describe my behaviour entirely from her PoV to the kids. My Ex justifies her plan-of-action as coming from a place of child safety and education, but fails to see or maybe to prioritise, she would be placing kids in the middle of our present dispute to their detriment. During the conversation, she ran through the words she would use. Then went on to question my future relationship with the kids after they know "what kind of person" I am.

I'm paraphrasing a little here to mask some detail rather that the direct quotes. Even this detail has me worried, this is all a live issue.

I have notes and plans for my next steps to keep me emotionally safe, the kids' future safe and what parenting looks like. I am very concerned at the misguided motivation behind the course of action. However beyond that I am not worried about day-to-day safety of the kids, if that makes sense. I'm not without fault here or in the break down of our relationship a few years ago. However what she proposes to do is coercive behaviour and I feel unsafe for the kids above all else in this matter.

Sandy

Hello all,

It has been a week since our discussion and a lot has happened. I'm not going to talk about unrelated events here, I am still worried this post might be found. It's a slim chance it would be but I just want to be sure.

Other events that happened to me and my ex wife separately during the last week have moved both of our attention from the talk we had. Unfortunately my new event came with different stress, but not as bad as before.

I have tried to communicate more with my ex regarding anything about the children. In my view that has helped calm things down for now. But I can't forget what was said about the future and I'm still trying to seek advice regarding parenting plans and things. Firstly how to look out for the children in case my ex goes through with her plans to speak to them about changing our parenting relationship.

I've had a pretty awful time trying to get advice from my state's Legal Aid service. I don't feel like the fragile nature of the situation is being understood and then I'm being put to the bottom of the list. I only need advice right now, in case things get worse. I don't need to go to court or anything like that. The phone line can't give detailed advice and I've had trouble booking an appointment at their office too.

Everyone is safe, healthy and doing ok day-to-day.

Hey @Sandbank-Curing ,

Thank you for the update. It's great to hear from you despite how difficult the circumstances are at the moment.

Have you ever accessed Family Relationships Online?: https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/

I wonder if they can provide you with any tips?