How do you handle people who minimise your trauma?

Thank you for your posts @SaltwaterSoul

Yes, for me, 'hiding' by traumas was traumatic. I had to mask a lot and this worked for some cases, but long term, it was exhausting. Hence, being in peer support spaces has been the best thing for me. I find it so therapeutic and helpful just to know there are others who have been through something simliar.

I hope you also find a way to more forward in a way that works for you.

Hi everyone,

I really need some support. As you know, I decided to go no-contact with my mum early last year.

Recently, my sister suddenly reached out, trying to convince me to contact our mum. She told me I should “try to look past it all,” “what happened, happened,” and mentioned that mum has said mean things to her that made her sad, but she just shakes it off.

The thing is, my sister doesn’t know the full story. She moved out early, and I was left with mum. She wasn’t even there last year during the really bad times, and I haven’t shared everything with her because she hasn’t really cared about my story. Every time I try to explain something, she cuts me off and says it didn’t happen that way. How could she know? She wasn’t there. I was. I have c-ptsd from it all, and have spent a lot of time and money trying to build a better life away from abuse.

All of this made me so angry, and I wanted to write back to her. But I realised I’m too upset to respond, and honestly, it doesn’t matter what I write, she won’t be by my side. She obviously listens to whatever mum says. It feels absurd and isolating that not even my sister can be there for me. ☹️

My question: Should I write to my sister to set a strict boundary, or just remain silent?
Edit: After some reflection, I realise this is something I need to work through for myself, as there isn’t an easy answer. I was feeling quite overwhelmed when I posted, and I think I was really just looking for support from people who understand.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I really appreciate it.💛

@tyme @AnnoyedSheDevil @Penguincat

Hey @SaltwaterSoul ,

It sounds like there is a lot of trauma and triggers associated with re/connecting with your mother.

I cannot tell you what to do, as we all have different experiences in terms of our relationship with family.

However, one thing is, is you never speak to your mother again, are you okay with that? The last thing we want is for you to later regret not connecting with her.

Boundaries are certainly so important whether it be with your mum or your sister. I can see you were able to step back and not react when emotionally aroused. This is certainly something to give yourself credit for.

I haven't seen my parents in 2 years. Not because there is any relationship rupture or anything... I just don't. However, when I go an see them (interstate), I keep telling myself that I'm doing my duty as ther child.... and it helps me manage. I let them talk, even if I don't want to listen. Then my boundary is that after a while, I tell them that's enough.

So boundaries are definitely important.

At this stage, what do you feel is the right thing to do? Please don't feel you have to answer when you are feeling emotional as this may skew how you see things.

Please remember your own self care and show yourself some compassion.

@tyme

Thank you so much for reaching out. I really, really appreciate it. Yes, I understand that it’s different for everyone. Today I was just in a big cloud of sadness and trauma. I decided not to respond, at least not for now, and instead spent the day trying to ground myself, but honestly, today was terrible. Really bad. I didn’t know what to think for a while there...It's just been very hard today. But I am safe, I know I am safe, thank you again for sharing your ideas and thoughts.

I think I’ll make a decision later on when I have calmed down from it regarding my sister and/or perhaps with my psychologist next time I see her.💛 (The support button doesn't work for me at this stage, so please know I double supported this in spirit)

@AnnoyedSheDevil @Penguincat

Hey @SaltwaterSoul ,

Hope things have settled since yesterday. It sounded so raw and I could hear the incident brought up some big emotions.

Here for you.

@tyme

Thank you for checking in. 💛 Yes, it was rough. I think it didn’t help that I’ve also been working through some difficult memories in therapy this week, so everything felt amplified. I made a conscious decision not to engage and I still haven't engaged. This is something I’ve been practicing, learning to pause and not make immediate decisions that I will regret later on. It does take a lot of training and I have often failed in the past, but this time I did better.

It’s deeply painful when people minimise your traumatic experiences. That feeling of not being believed is one of the hardest parts. But I’m also starting to slowly recognise that I do have a small support network. They may not be family by blood, but knowing I’m not alone makes this journey feel less frightening. I’m learning to trust that I have support now which is all very new for me.

That's really powerful to recognise that you are not alone in this. @SaltwaterSoul .

No matter the size of your support network, if they can provide that quality support at the time you need it, it makes all the difference.

Please be gentle with yourself. You dserve to be supported.

Well done on being kind to yourself and making that conscious decision not to engage for now.

We are here for you. The whole community has your back.

Thank you for sharing your post as it made me realise I’m not the only one to go no contact with my toxic mother due to her presence bringing more pain than her absence however this does not stop the pain guilt and grief of making that decision to protect yourself. Oh and i think it’s very unfair for people to minimise trauma, pain, grief as it is an individual process and response.. respect empathy and kindness is what we need.

@Blue22

Hi, thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry you’re going through that as well. It’s such a hard situation to be in. Sometimes I just want to defend myself, defend my inner child who’s screaming to be seen and heard but for me I'm slowly learning that sometimes for certain people in my life, it's just not worth it.

I’m currently in therapy, doing schema and EMDR, and I honestly don’t think I would have made it this far without therapy. I used to be terrified of asking for help and never felt I could trust anyone with my life story. But now, by taking this scary and brave step, I’m starting to understand my younger self in a way I never could before.

It’s a long journey ahead, but I think I have made myself a promise to keep striving for peace and give myself a chance at a better life than return to the pain of being abused. And I couldn't agree more regarding respect empathy and kindness. We deserve so much more!!

BIG HUGS. 💛

@tyme @AnnoyedSheDevil @Penguincat @LW45

Hey @Blue22 ,

I'm sorry that people have minimised the experiences of trauma, pain and grief. It sounds so hard. You are right. Each person and their circumstances are different. What is traumatic for one is not necessary traumatic for another, so we cannot deny the emotions that come up for people.

I hope you find a way to work through the pain and guilt around having no contact with your mother. But as you said, self-care and preservation is a must. If you don't look after yourself, no one will...

What do you do to stay well?