How do you handle people who minimise your trauma?

@SaltwaterSoul @ I am so sorry you have had to endure not only the abuse from your mother, but the complete lack of understanding from everyone else. I'm so glad your husband is beside you, it can be isolating without someone who knows and understands everything that has happened, your feelings and pain.

I hope if your siblings do not realise how your mother treated you was wrong, that they eventually do. Many times in families with an abuser, especially a narcissistic one, there are roles meted out to members and it can be hard to deprogram from them.

Your role seemed to be the scapegoat, you had all the problems of the family pushed on you unfairly. Having been given this role at various times, I can tell you with confidence your siblings likely haven't realised theirs or broken out of them yet.

They may reach out to you some day, but for today having no contact is best for you.

Some books I found helpful for me and my journey to heal from abuse:

Narcissist Abuse Recovery by Jean Harrison & Molody Dixon

Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft

Sorry for giving you advice, but I've personally found learning all I can allows me to properly advocate for myself and my needs. I wish you all the happiness, love and understanding on your journey ❤️

@AnnoyedSheDevil

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this, your advice is very welcome. What I meant when I said I don’t want advice is more about when I talk to people close to me and they go into a “solution mindset,” like saying “things will work out” or “just talk to her and sort it out.” Comments like that don’t really help me in those moments.

I’ll definitely check those books out. If you don’t mind me asking, have you ever had people around you who didn’t really understand what you were going through? And if so, how did you cope with that?

PS. Thank you also for such kind words. 💛

@Penguincat

Thank you so much for responding back to my post. I guess it’s hard to know how to deal with all of this. For me it’s still all relatively new, and I guess I’ll learn more after some more time. Even though I would never wish this experience on anyone, it does bring some comfort to know that I’m not alone.

Maybe I have to accept that some people just won’t get it, and maybe not bother trying to talk about it with certain people. I’m a bit concerned about one of my best friends that I’ve known forever, because I feel like since everything happened, things have changed between us. When I finally found the courage to tell her a little bit about what happened, she wasn’t very helpful, but maybe that’s because she hasn’t experienced anything similar??? Even after that conversation, I feel like she wants me to act like I did before everything, but that’s not me anymore. We haven’t really spoken much since then, well, I haven't reached out much and I’m afraid me getting diagnosed with c-ptsd and started my recovering has become a bit of a barrier between us...

Boundaries are really important, and it's not my strength. I know I definitely have a long way to go, and I’ve started slowly working on it with my therapist, but it’s all very new and scary. ☹️ Still, I’m determined to change, no matter how long it takes, because I don’t want to fall back into old patterns.

Thank you for sharing @SaltwaterSoul . I totally hear you about having to have boundaries. It's a way to protect yourself and others. In a way, well done for speaking out and letting them know that you really just couldn't go to the event. And yes, sometimes I feel that people who are on a different path may not necessarily understand what is going for you - they may never understand.

For me, I have a range of people. I share different things with each one depending on whether I think they will understand... dont know if this will work for you?

Please hand in there. We're here for you.

@tyme

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and ideas. I really connected with what you said about sharing different things with people depending on their level of understanding, that’s something I’d like to work towards. After everything that happened last year, it all unfolded so quickly. It felt like a bomb suddenly dropped into my life and my social world as well. Naturally, people started asking what was going on, before I even knew what was actually happening inside of me and around me, and for a long time I avoided the topic. When I spoke to my psychologist about how anxious I felt being asked about it so often, she said that when a topic is avoided, people sometimes become more curious and ask even more questions. I think that’s true, at least to some extent, depending on the person.

I guess this is all just part of the learning journey. Thank you for your kind words.

@Penguincat

I think I just came to a point in my life where I realised how miserable I had been. It’s strange how you can be abused by someone for so long and not fully understand it all until something big happens and everything suddenly comes to a stop. It’s like your body finally says, “I’ve had enough”. I didn't know at that time I needed help, I was just in shock but my husband really pushed me in that direction. I kept saying at that time I can do this alone, I know how to do it, I have done it all my life..........I was just terrified of letting any other person in. I don't have exactly a lot of people in my life I have opened myself up to truly.

I still struggle with making eye contact with my psychologist, especially when I’m sharing things that are extremely intense. But she never mention anything or care about me struggling with it, she just let me be the way I am, and I am so grateful for that. I was terrified the first time I met up with my psychologist but now I feel like she almost saved me, I feel for the first time of my life that maybe I can finally heal, even if it's going to take a very long time, and it's still ups and downs, and at times really hard. I just believe now that maybe I can finally heal and have a better life. That's a huge thing for me to say... I can't believe at times.

I was recommended this community, and I’m so glad I gave it a try. I feel like I can truly be myself here, and that’s such a wonderful feeling. Spoiler alert, I’ve been thinking about reaching out to my friend. I’m just working on building up the courage.

Thank you again for your kind words, and I'm so proud of you too to be brave, to take that courage to heal. It’s such a relief to know that I’m not alone, I felt that way for a very long time.

@SaltwaterSoul Not only does my mother invalidate my trauma and conditions, but my ex would too. He was worse though because he wouldn't just invalidate, he would expect exceptions for himself in the same breath.

I've recently been diagnosed with C-ptsd, I had been gaslit by him into believing I had Bipolar Disorder or some other personality disorder. Turns out I'm not "a drama loving bitch" after all.

Being labelled as the problem, especially from a young age, can have a massive impact on your relationships, emotions and self-worth. I don't know if I can ever say I ever learned to cope with being the family scapegoat or with having my Depression brushed aside/misunderstood.

I mostly just retreated and learned about my own conditions, and other neurodivergent conditions, so I could stand my ground and correct others when they tried to gaslight, invalidate or push the blame onto me. It was so cathartic learning I had C-ptsd, it was like a puzzle piece clicking into place.

I hope this answers your questions and I hope you can continue healing 💕

@AnnoyedSheDevil

Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. What an incredibly painful situation to be placed in, especially without the support from your ex, someone who should have been there for you. You deserved so much more care and understanding.

Thank you for sharing part of your story. I can relate to what you said about receiving a c-ptsd diagnosis. For a long time, or as longest I can remember I felt like something was severely wrong with me, like I was just “crazy.” But learning that my reactions and struggles were connected to untreated trauma , and understanding more about my body, my nervous system, and how trauma affects me, completely changed my perspective. Suddenly, I felt a sense of relief, because it finally gave an explanation for what I had carried for so many years. But I also feel a sense of fear, it's all still quite new knowledge for me, I'm so used to things, and to knowing suddenly after all this time that it's another option in life feels a bit scary...but I guess that's all part of the process?!

I’m also so proud of you for taking that step and standing up for yourself. That takes so much strength, and your words are truly inspiring for me.