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Something’s not right

Being misstreated

Being misstreated

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

336 replies

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In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Glad you are well enough to be out on leave.

Re your father ... maybe you could ask him if he just feels awkward about having you home ... or whether he isnt really feeling himself at the moment ... that may be less confronting for him ... so he doesnt get defensive ... but maybe open some communiation... so you can talk together better about feelings ... which are always a delicate subject for everybody.

Best news that you are out though

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hi Lee.

Please take clever @Appleblossom advice. So good ..... So much more balanced than mine
Anne

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Appleblossom where does that cute heart come from ?
Xx

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@PeppiPatty hey Anne I see what you are saying, its just obvious to me this behaviour, I can not understand how he does not notice it, I have brought it up many times but he does not see it and never admits to it.

I believe it would be hard to be a father or mother for that case but I can not see why he can not laugh a little or be happy a little his life is so structured when I am around him.

@Appleblossom yeah i thiink in his mind he does not see it, I guess it would be hard to be a dad to your children especially when they expect everything from you. Its very hard to understand this, but I feel what you are saying that I need to be open to him not attack him, see what he thinks.

Maybe give a little to take a lil.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Give a little take a lil is about right ... adult hood comes on us gradually and we step up to the plate one way or another ...its not just father and son anymore ... do you know that song by Kris Kristofferson

Have you talked to your father about what things he finds funny ..He might not know how .. or if he is allowed ... it took me a long to work it out and "learn" to laugh. My kids helped me in that enormously and I am grateful to them for that. If you can find a couple of thins to connect and have a joke about it it would help you both.

Sometimes as a parent we structure things a lot so that kids can fall into useful routines or that we dont surprise or frighten them ... so they feel things are stable .. I probably bored my son a lot as I kept things regular after our marriage break up ..Then I also believe that rules are made to be broken .. if "reasonable" according to my mad ways. They are all things that are individual and can be negotiated by each person.

I hoped my mother would admit things to me but she never did til the day she died .. I tried not to attack her but she was defensive up to the hilt ... I probably over apologise and admit to things ... in reaction to her failure... does it make things betterfor my kids ... not sure ... we are all carved out of the bits of experience that life serves up.

Glad to hear from you anyway @Troubled_One

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Appleblossom I haven't forgotten about writing the paper I want to write. Olle start that soon

How are you ? I am pretty knackered and so wanting to gobble down chocolate ......

Dear Lee
I think what @Appleblossom is doing is lightening the mood ..... Is this right @Appleblossom ?
I think your Dad is trying to be there for you ....... This is just an idea @Troubled_One ...... Do you think he knows of the tremendous responsibility you feel is on your shoulders about your family ?

You know you are very safe writing on Sane Forums. You have many caring friends here.
I have a feeling Lee, that you are relaxing a little at home. Is this right ?
Please keep on writing.

Your friend, Anne

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Appleblossom yeah its abit tricky, my dad i think knows this and stears clear of anything he needs to understand.

@PeppiPattyold yes i can feel the relaxation at my dads, i think even at mums but unfortunatly my dad chooses not to understand this.
Iam really feeling my own place is the solution here, as i could do what i want, like things were before i went to fathers. Only this time with a lot more knowledge.

What do you guys think?

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@PeppiPatty lightening the mood helps when we feel backed into a corner or the walls cave in and help break down fear and anger.

@Troubled_One Having a place of my own saved me. I left home at 16 and spent some time in share places but often a little bedsit on my own. I never regretted it. I would have been the first to go otherwise, my mother was not really a well person. Having 10 years living as a single before my marriage meant that I did know who I was without others projections on me.

When you are ready set it up so that it is viable. I was always broke but always found somewhere that I could live within my means ... not fancy ...I didnt camp out on people's couches .. just paid the rent but it was my place. Some share places were too wild and eventually I set it up so I was leaseholder and sublet ... do what works for you .. there are pros and cons with sharing ...but having some control over your own living space is healing.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Yes i totally agree with this. A nice quite place like my old one.

Iam staying at mums for a few days and back to hospital where hopefully they can refer me to a sub acute facility to help get me back on my feet. Somewhere i can feel safe but come and go as i please. Hope it works out. 😊

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear Lee,

How are you?

When I give you compliments, this is exactly how I treat my own sons. I do not give you compleimts lightly and think really hard if I feel that you are doing the right thing.

Lee, I am happy of you

That you are getting through and looking forward in an extremely difficult situation.

It feels like your Mum and Dad are being sensetive and caring to you. You are lucky.

that you know......... it's about your brother and you, Lee. If you feel that the place you wrote about...the sub acute place......is the best for you to act the best you can.

My only advise is....... think calm, Lee. Take your time. It might not feel like it but you have a while to make this decision.

and again, I think hard what I write to you

Anne :0)

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