FORUMS

Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

  • 47,612Members
  • 1,358,869Posts
  • 1,400,000Visitors
Something’s not right

Being misstreated

Being misstreated

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

336 replies

251 - 260 of 336
1...252627...34

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

hi @Troubled_One

Cool to hear from you. It sounds like your parents like to 'fight,' with their communication with you.

i dont mean yell and scream but say no to you when you say yes. For instance ille give you an example :

Sorry its personal

One year, i went to America to visit my Mum. It was a nightmare ........

One day, i decided to test her to confirm my fears, that i could only get things done if i never asked for them, i had to be a good girl and wait until she suggesged it.

So i said, hey theres that new film being played tonight would you like to see it? I then had to put up with about 2 hours of, ive taken you here, there. Everywhere i dont want to have to drive necause weve already.........

Then...from my Mum, ....'ive done so much for you......yesterday we went......'

My mum likes fighting too....

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hey Anne, yes they love to fight atleast when we were kids they do exaclty as you describe, nice description btw 😉

yes sounds like they dont like to put up with anything but make thier kids do it.

I struggle with this and am trying to understand the middle area where there has to be a reason why they are like this.

although I got my parents to agree a while ago they would get along so that is kind of like my antidote for healing the 'times' things are missundertsood.

Edit: I think your spirit got me thinking about my brother anne and I gave him a message, just a reminder I am here and for him to get in touch when he can. thanks.

lee.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Troubled_One

I dont mind about styles .. I'm into ethnomusicology not musical elitism .. I like that music develops out of being human, and understand doof doof has a place. I like African drumming too.

I have been a little twisted with my mothers domination and classical music tastes which was another religion for her. It turned in my heart that she had 3 grand pianos in her house for about 5 years but I had to struggle with 3 dead people for years and no honest discussion about it.

I could not take up being a fulltime piano teacher because of that .. it just caught in my craw every time I tried to practise, when I realised she used musical snobbery to get ahead and tread on me.

I had very much the experience of @PeppiPatty and her mum and films. I was so well trained I did not even suggest anything that was outside the narrow line of her interests. I knew how to hone my being to do her will or dream up something she would approve of ... but it also destroyed my self-confidence at a deeper level than musical skill. I see it as a Stockholm Syndrome situation.

I dont know how to advise you @Troubled_One .. I believe you were loving and now it is time to put your love to nourish you and not put all your eggs in the "parent" basket, even if they are well-behaved little vegemites and tear each other to shreads in fron of you any more.. I have no idea what they will do.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

yeah i am in to the mythology thing to.

may i ask about the 3 dead people? who were they I hope not murders 😕

i am 100% relating to you and Anne.

And I am wondering how I can get over my parents behaviour. Like I live with my father and I feel as though things are getting worse, like the behaviour he is showing is killing me it might be ok if they were normal as children but it has always been like this and anything I do just does not work.

I am thinking I could talk to my brother and come up with something to get my father to commit to something, maybe from both of us? What you think of that?

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

That is my father who died from pneumonia when I was a kid, and my brother and sister who suicided.
Maybe I "enabled" my mothers denial and made a hell on earth for me.

I am not sure whether I should continue to post; whether i bring others down because I cant let the past go or whether it helps me to post.

You are younger than me and I wish I had good advice. I know I have donw a lot considering my circumstances It just did not pan out well. Dont take anything I say negatively about your self.

But as another ex drug user I am angry that I am supposed to be happy to put legal poison into my body but i am supposed to be ashamed about taking heroin. Some bright eyed thing tells me its not a drug its a medicine as if I dont know what a euphemism is. Those people were hurt but were nicer than lots of people who have fancy jobs and fancy opinions about themselves.

I am raving and not very well

take care

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

lee my friend....mmy helper with your little messages in that, i hope your well, Anne. Im sorry, i cant remember you exact words to me but they are lovely.

Cant you see that yes, you may have....say.....the same way you.....smile or....yawn like your father or the same...tilting of the head as your mother but you are you.

You are the original Lee.

I love the message you sent to your brother.

Maybe your parents like to'fight ' in communicating but certainly not you.

You me, your brother cant just get over our pRents behaviour i dont think but you, me your brother can learn, read Ms@Appleblossom messages. Shes a wise woman.

Back in a tic.....

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Not feeling wise at the moment .. @PeppiPatty

but i like the way you are good to @Troubled_One

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@Appleblossom hey, I understand about the deaths and you are not bringing me or anyone down I think, if you want your own thread you could do that I think Anne did that. @NikNik did that I think, but if not you are fine here.

In my life I have never had a unlucky thing like that happen to me about, pneumonia, my nanna had it but lived through it.

WIth the drugs and everything I still feel my mother loves my brother more than me. When he was 10 she told my brotehr to not listen to my father because he and I would gang up on him. But never told me to not do this I was only 11 how was I supposed to know what was right and wrong but we never faced this issue, never callled my dad dad, just made up names and there was no 'family' love.

I started taking drugs at 17 and I feel like this total lack of communication wrecked everything in my life.

Now they are fine and wondering what is wrong with me.

@PeppiPatty yeah I undertsnad your kind words. I am me I am responsible for me and that is that, just I am always in a panic attack lately and nothing seems to work with my family.

But I can understand where I have a voice and I think that is something you might be telling me. Thanks. Anne.

Damn where did the good days go

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

dear lee,

I cant remember if you have a psychologist. .......i must be going weird.......

Can you remind me?

Sorry! I have an idea.......would you like this?

Can you and me and other people discuss how are we all going to work together about you meeting others in your situation .......to get you away.....just for a little while .....from having troubled thoughts about your Mum and Dad.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Thanks @Troubled_OneIsnt it funny how sometimes people change and pretend they were perfect or never did wrong?

I can go back to my thread and write all my problems out there and give caring empathic support or feedback specifically to each poser on other threads that moves me.

Last week a poster told me of a method called Clean Language which I like a lot but had not heard of before....my responses have probably been opposite to that style.But it is a one to one therapy not a peer frorum.

I dont believe that true objectivity or neutrality exist. I believe we are all subjective and that if I revealed my bias and pain then I was being more transparent, honest and responsible. You get a more complete picture. I think being empathic is a varied artform. Each person is unique in how they approach it. In my counselling course they taught us some stock phrases which made me gag.

Generally I have been quite clear in separating things out in my professional life. I dont tell my parents about my teenage life and I dont think they need to know or that I am doing anything wrong or secretive in that.It really is history. My kids will bring it up when it suits them and I have to live with that, because I told them to protect them and warn them of the dangers.

I did tell my boss when a teenager in the public service and he understood my need to break patterns to get off dope. After I resigned and returned from O/S they gave me a fabulous well paid part-time position back in the time when those jobs were not common. I felt very validated and did not betray their trust. Our office was on Fitzroy Street .. stuff was all around. Somehow I thought if I entered into the forum as a peer that I should roll up the whole of me in my posts. I thought that would have more beneficial effect for me and the forum.

Maybe without the grit of my lived life nicer words dont not carry as much weight, and could become patronising. I dont know, it wasn't completely thought out, but instinctive.

I dont get a real sense of relief or understanding unless others have revealed some pain and struggle and their warmth and understanding. It is why it is hard for some of us oldies to get a sense of real support from younger generations, though I do believe in a multiage communities and general diversity.

When I was In the orphanage the kids cared a lot for each other ..5 year olds, 10 year olds, 15 year olds, in ways lots of todays kids seem to have lost. I know I gave care to my parents and my children have given care to me but across generations power and responsibilities are different. A lot of posters on the forum complain about their parents but I thought I would try and go with the humanity of being a child of one generation and a parent of another .. nobody is perfect.

I thought if it is obvious that we are all just human, people find the bits in any post that help them finds parts of themself to grow. Does that kinda make sense.

@Troubled_OneI really hope GOOD days come back for you even better than before

251 - 260 of 336
1...252627...34