FORUMS

Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

  • 47,612Members
  • 1,358,869Posts
  • 1,400,000Visitors
Something’s not right

Being misstreated

Being misstreated

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

336 replies

11 - 20 of 336

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

:0)
thanks. @kristin is very good and has hands on experience whereas I'm a bit jaded. :0)
you picked that up!! clever man

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hey justanother47yr,

Guess what? I took your advice and only moments ago spoke to my brother for the first time in over 10 years. It was weird we got along well and he was happy to have the family to come together to talk.

Good on you and thankyou!

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

thank you.....but am mindful that this is you and your journey. your experience is completely individual.
My only suggestion was to stay in the present and be yourself.........
you are the one that's showing all of us here that you can 'listen' to others and take onboard what can work for you. This is from very thoughtful therapy that you have had the maturity to take onboard!!

We are all interested, your story is amazing

Like everyone here, we have our own individual stories. So proud of you though :0) I actually just told my good friend that someone I was writing to on a website just called his brother after 10 years and he said, that's very cool!!

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Oh yes ofcourse. I find as a family to stay in the present is very important and for me to stay in the present.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

I am having a meeting with my family in two days on teusday and was wondering any advice until then to remain calm about my family and trying to live with my father until then.

My father is very touchy and its like you can not make a bad move around him with out him knowing.

He knows we are meeting on teusday and I feel like he is doing everything in his power to do the opposite to make things work?

@CherryBomb@kristin@shanc@Alessandra1992@-karma-@peace@PeppiPatty and anyone else I missed.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hi there @Troubled_One,

Waiting is the worst, isn't it! Especially when it's for something very emotional like your upcoming meeting wiith your family. It's wise of you to seek out ways to stay calm. You mentioned that your dad is very attuned to what's going on around him, so hopefully if you can remain calm, he'll pick up on that too.

Are there any particular things you've done in the past that helped you destress or calm your mind? If you have a smartphone, there are actually some great and free apps you can get which offer mindfulness exercises that can help you to calm your mind. My personal favourite is the Headspace app. It's simple to use, it shows you how to do a 10 minute mindfulness exercise each day. If that's not your cup of tea, then other things you find soothing might also help - a soothing bath, patting your pet if you have one, or just taking a minute each time you feel stressed to stop and take 10 long, slow deep breaths.

If you're really feeling wound up, and you want someone to talk to before Tuesday, you could give Lifeline a call on 13 11 14. They're there at any time to talk, and the counsellor would I'm sure be able to chat with you and offer some techniques to calm yourself.

I hope your meeting with your family on Tuesday goes well.

Kind regards,

blithe

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hey @Troubled_One

Good for you, you have been reconnecting with famliy and working on trying to foster some healthier dynamics. That is amazing, well done.

If some mindfulness stuff works for you it sounds like it would be a good time to use it. That way you won't be too overwhelmed anticipating Tuesday. Would it help you to get out of the house and go for a walk to get some space from your dad's watchfulness/anxiety?

It might also give you a bit of time to reflect on what is important for you in the meeting, for instance how you will stay grounded through it. What is the most important thing you need to communicate, and how might you do that in a way they can hear? BTW I hope you read this in the morning as I don't want you thinking about it throught the night - I hope you can get some good sleep.

I think one of the most important things to remember is you can only bring yourself, your goodwill and love, your openness to this meeting. The others bring what they bring. You are not responsible for them. Would it help for you all to agree some ground rules to start with? For example - if anyone is really feeling upset all take a break for 20 minutes to allow calming down time. (I know that sounds a lot, but I read somewhere this is needed to allow for people to be back to rational after being overwhelmed emotionally.)

Another thing is where are you meeting? Inside around a table can be good, but sometimes outside or even on a walk can be helpful. I find talking with men especially is so much better when walking, guys seem to be opened up by the movement somehow. I also find it calming to walk and talk. The activity removes some of the stress which can build up.

Anyway these are just a few garbled thoughts. If any of them are some use I will be very pleased. I take my hat off to you for the investment you are making in trying to help grow these relationships in a new direction. I hope the others come on board.

Hope for improving family relationships endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear @Troubled_One
Good to hear from you.
blithe is very clever on advice hey?

Your Dad, without sounding negative but doesn't sound like he's coping with his defences.

Idle want those memories to go away too.

So why don't you focus on you having a good support system on the phone with lifeline ?
Call your brother or email that your looking forward to seeing him ...... He would like that....
Write lists on what you would like addressed
Looking at the positives on having your brother back in your life
What you can tell him about what your doing in your life.
Where you would like you and your brother to go/do together
DVDs you both could watch.





In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hi blithe, @blithe I will definetly try and do some relaxation through today monday and see if it helps. The problem is I have never felt like this, not having any emotion or feeling only waiting for this, before I was living on some hope now it is just 100% waiting.

Hi kristin, @kristin Thank you for your knowledge kristin. I will be meeting at my mothers where there is a table and chairs inside. All of what you said makes complete sense.

Hi justanother47yr, @PeppiPatty Yes it is very hard coping around my father wiith him knowing the meeting is on and he seems to be holding back all of his emotion and feeling. It just sucks that it seems like I have to wait for it to happen before it can work. So to me I do not know what to say and do.

I have thought about calling my brother, mother but I do not know what to say, I do not want to ruin anything that we have already set.

I am pretty sure on what to say and have written it down.

I am thinking of my family in mind but I am hoping the positives outweigh the negatives.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Love what @kristin has said about where to sit.

this is for you @Troubled _One You rang your brother because it was high time that you took care of yourself.
Maybe....
this is just an idea: you could begin the meeting by saying only positives, how good he looks and how much you have missed him.

you can only take care of yourself and you could just say how it affected you.
Self punishment via: alcohol and drugs, like cleansing your own soul but try to stay in the present and what you could so you both doing. Now.

What does everyone else think??

I think that calling lifeline is a really strong thing to do.....
11 - 20 of 336