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Being misstreated

Being misstreated

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

336 replies

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In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear lee,

Haven't forgotten you but I've been busy with my life then my dog, 'Arlo,' had been needing me /0) because he's had an operation

My friend, could you list down your part of this twisty story. Forget who's given you advise or have suggested you to do something.

Like this way.

For example :

1 Date. 2 . Activity or action. 3 Outcome
Like :

1: 3 November, 1966. 2; I called my mother
I said.........
She said..........

3: I felt sad that she answered angrily.

Or you could write

1: 2 November, 1966 2: spoke to my Dad. He was quiet but went into the dining room after I finished telling him about this last phone conversation with Mum.

3: I felt he was passive, I felt he was letting other people tell him what to do. It made me feel like wanting him to shake him because he will not change I felt and I still Feel confused. Must take this to Psychologist.

End of example.

So do you think you can do this Lee ?

It's not about remembering who did what and advising who to who but its about you giving yourself reason about owning what work you have done.

I can only tell you this in that You have given me bits of confidence in that I have gotten official go ahead to care for A little girl in crisis every Friday. I'm not writing ' it's you who's done this but your willingness to take advise and read different messages, acknowledge others and me : work through others dilemmas (and my stuff ) has given me a bit of the confidence to do something I've wanted to do.
So I can own where I've moved. Can you own what good stuff you have done in your family but also acknowledge where you have acted well?

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hey anne.

I have dates and all on everything, I will not go back to all dates but give you a good estimate.

So,

In the first place after living with my dad for two months I get parents to say they trust me, and everything was running as smooth as it could with my dad. About two months later I called my brother on the 17/03/2015, which is listed in this thread.

About a month before I only just thought of my brother and wanted him to come down and say he trusted the family. After about a week of talking to him he agreed to do this, so on the 24/03/2015 we would meet.

On the wednesday 18/03/2015 I was talking to my mother and was urgent for my brother to come down, but did not tell my mother this (usually she picks up on things when I want them but this time she did not)

I spoke to my brother on a thursday and he said he could only make it down next tuesday 24/03/2015 and I said I do not feel like that is going to work for me.

In that time he spoke to my mother and my mother messaged me friday and said, I know you want your brother to come down on sunday but it will have to be teusday, because she was busy she said. In the end I decided tuesday was what I would have to go with, but I wish I had of realised why tuesday was not right and have resolved it at the time.

I told my father friday that my brother was coming down and I noticed he changed his behaviour to me. I took note of this but did not make to big a concern about it. We met on tuesday and said we trusted each other but it felt like it was not meant the same as when my parents said it to me at my fathers.

I realise now that my father did not want to wait for tuesday because that did not suit me. I thought he would understand it but now I look back I do not think he did, because his behaviour changed to me.

I look back as well and I think if I lived with my mother I would have seen her change her behaviour as well, but because I do not live with her I did not get to see this only her say that tuesday would work, on the phone.

I trusted my family and thought it would work out, but I feel that the reasons I stated in my last post are why generally why it did not.

And my parents just argue with me about it and think I am wanting everything my way and I do not know what I am talking about and to stop thinking about it, but they do not see things from my POV only that I am a pain in the ass to them.

BTW, I am gald you are doing what you are doing and its great you are hanging out with your dog arlo.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

So anyway, @PeppiPatty

That was a big story? lol

I rang lifeline and the guy gave me a good understanding of what I am doing. Basically I am seeing love my way and forcing that, and the more I force it the worse it gets. As @kristin said the more the push the further people go away from you.

I am trying to understand that, and I guess getting my whole story out on the forums has helped me do this.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hey @Troubled_One
I have been following your journey and I am wondering whether perhaps you might like to consider slowing down?
I read that you are super keen to have your family trust each other and acknowledge each other's differences..and ultimately have an open and honest and loving relationship with your brother, your mum and your dad..
What I am reading is that your brother is in contact with you, your mum is in contact with you and your dad lives with you.
To me it looks as though everyone is trying, which I think is wonderful. It may be you are not getting the responses you want, but maybe, time and practice talking with family and it might..

Credit yourself with progress Lee, your family are listening to you ( and not agreeing with you is pretty typical in most families)...

Hope this makes sense ..
Hope for healthy communication for everyone..

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hey @Alessandra1992 yes I have slowed down as I have gone through this process.

I thought I would post this message as I kind of had a epiphany on what I have been doing wrong. Basically I have had all these memories and ideas on what has happened and feelings attached to these, as I have slowly worked through it all I have realised that I am not giving my brother of all the opportunity to say how he feels.

I guess maybe this is the process we had to get to know each other more, idk, but I realised yesterday after calling lifeline again and my mother that I need to stop and ask how my brother feels, or just let things be.

I think this is the basis of my problem. I am hoping to speak to my brother tonight.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

I thought I would update this thread, that I was hoping to speak to my brother tonight, to say that I never gave him the opportunity to say how he feels, but just like this whole process he is one step ahead and brushed me off.

I did not like this and rang lifeline again.

The guy was really understanding and said I am doing the right things I just need to give it time.

I am going to try and do this, lets see how I go. 😕

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Perhaps you might wait and see if your brother calls you in the next week or so..sometimes @Troubled_One
Our family members can feel very pressured when we try to explore family dynamics and make sense of our relationships...in the spirit of emphasising what is..your brother speak to you on the phone and if you keep that fact in mind..maybe he will call you up next? Often it is overwhelming for family members to suddenly start talking about feelings and trust and love. These are huge topics if your family hasn't talked openly about them before....it is okay for your brother to not want to talk about the same topics as you, maybe he is still getting used to the idea of what you want to talk about...take care Lee, I think you are heading in a healthy direction!! Warm hugs for you!!

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hi Lee

You are working so hard ..... @Alessandra1992 is a clever lady suggesting to have a break ....
I'm personally just going to let you know that my big thing is that you and your brother are in touch. I wonder if this was your thing all along with the trust thing.
I've spent many a night on lifeline.

Thanks for your list of your actions too. It feels like if you read it you can start owning all the hard work You have done.

My dog Arlo had an operation last week. The vet who performed the operation was practically crying telling me how ill he was when I picked him up from the last owners. The vet did the operation ...... Working for over an hour for very little pay to get him better. I had been taking him to a different vets trying to work out what was wrong and am so so grateful.

When my help, Silver Chain comes tomorrow ille be able to start a wall mural with a clear head .... Not concerned about Arlo

Keep on writing ......

Anne

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Thanks for the advice @Alessandra1992 I am trying to do this.

I feel like my head is being squashed in on and there is nothing I can do.

Anne, I think you are right that this trust thing has been about my brother the whole time, I really thank you and sandy for understanding this.

I sent my brother messages saying I am hurt that he did not call me last night when he said he was going to. I said sorry if you feel it is my fault, I am trying to make this work.

I am not sure what to do from here, I feel like anne that I am going to be on lifeline every night and just not sure what to do.

Thanks for the help anyone reading and helping me in this thread. 🙂 Lee.

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