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Something’s not right

Being misstreated

Being misstreated

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

336 replies

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In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hello Lee,
As I was scooting around my part of the world doing things.... I thought for a minute about you. Isn't it interesting that this huge twist is way of living in your family that you are beginning to focus on you.
No, you shouldn't be the family therapist
yes.....you are allowed to tell your Dad that it puts stress on you.
Yes, you haven't run away but tried to suggest a more honest way of living together
Yes, you contacted your younger brother.

People here care for you.

Be Well, Lee

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

I was thinking anne that if I lived with my mother she to would have changed her behaviour like my father did.

I messaged her and said we need to see the psychologist and straighten out these issues and I think would be best to get the answers I need.

Thanks for caring.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Golly gosh your teaching me stuff

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Good luck Lee. Families can be difficult and painful. Sometimes they are just not capable of being who we need them to be. Sometimes we have to accept they are the way they are, and even if they wanted to they can't be anyone else.

I'm not saying you are there yet - but I've had to come to this realisation with my younger sister and my dad. I see they are incapable of having the kind of relationship which I long for. So now the hard decision is with me. Can I have a relationship with them at all? Sadly I've realised that the relationship with my sister is just too toxic. With my dad if I don't drive it and keep in contact then we pretty much don't have one. It is very painful. But it's the reality.

I hope your mum will come to the psych appointment, and that you get a helpful response from her.

Take care of you in all this.

Hope for building healthy relationships endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

yeah I hope so that would be good. I hope we all learn somethiing from each other. 🙂

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

I feel what you are saying kristin, I know with my father if I did not put effort in he would just live in the hole he has created for himself. My mother accepts this and this is why nothing ever changes.

For me I do not have the option to rest in the fact that I can not do anything, between both my parents there is no love to hold on to, is why I am desperate for this to work out.

Do you only have one sibling?

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

I hear your desperation Lee.

I'm concerned about how much of your own well-being you are investing in this particular outcome. In my experience the more desperate I am for a particular outcome the less likely it is to happen, mainly because I don't allow other people the space to chose the outcome I am hoping for - instead I try to make them. People generally don't like being forced or pushed in to something, they usually push back instead.

Yes I now only have one sibling - my younger brother suicided about 20 years ago when he was 21. I do have another sister in Canada, my dad's other daughter. I've only met her a couple of times and she doesn't want to know the rest of us, mainly because my dad abandoned her (when she was 😎 to the vagaries of life with her mother who was extremely ill with schizophrenia. I can't say I blame her greatly, although it took me many years to understand something of her perspective.

Take care of you.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dearest @kristin,

I am startled to read of your family. And at your age is so unfair..

Golly, you know I'm one of your many admirers....I know some others here that admire you too.
I think you admire me, in a tactful message, you mention, ' Anne with the beautiful heart,' ...may not have 'noticed,' something .............but I choose to focus on the positive but seems like that wasn't the way to go in that thread but you still called me, 'Anne with the beautiful heart,' which I carried today while I went out doing things......

I also have spent years trying to understand why my parents will never be the parents to understand me. One year My Psychotherapist was talking about me being. Another unloved child and seriously, I wanted to hit her.

Out of it came that my father drastically mentally abused me to even get my Mum to hate me, he diddled me out of my home.......but not with a psychotherapist but with Sane forums help I went through this.

I made up with my Mum. But she still had to keep her ego intact by telling all her friends I'm completely bonkers. The relationship is good.
the relationship is at the best it will ever be.

I feel, maybe you an agree or not.....they are missing out on us, with our sensitive minds, our good parenting and they can never take that away from us.

I haven't been sexually abused. I have been homeless and placed in very dangerous circumstances.

I always look and read your messages, @allesandra1992
@Crazy_Bug_Lady @Former-Member @Rick @kenny66
......love the bug talk......



Lots others.
I a, so Impressed with the incredible resilience of us all. I love you all.

something that really helped me in 2005 was that a Psychiatrist was going to write my story for a neurology magazine because of the medical effects of the head injury I had. I wrote a page and half of my life after the head injury....it started with........
I felt my body was cut in pieces........or something like that. But felt I was only ready to face reality about my step father and Father when I joined Sane Forums........

Xx

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@PeppiPatty Thankyou for sharing all of that, i think it shows that by listening to each other and seeing differences and similarities between us all we learn so much and slowly over come some things.

@Troubled_One, Families are so hard, and im still here listening, it sounds like your brother is really angry with your dad, perhaps there is a reason for that anger and its something that can only be sorted out between themselves and can't be forced right now? It sounds so hard because I think from what you are saying that you have hope of reuniting your family and living honestly and happily together. Just remember that you have done what you can, and ensure that you dont take on the responsibility for everyone, you can only control you,

take care,

LJ

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Well guys the stress is really getting to me now.

I am really angry and frusterated to say the least.

I can not help this, it is like all the effort I have made has been wasted and back at square one and everyone is thinking there is nothing I can do now.

I am not sure what to do all I know is I feel really angry and stressed and never felt like this before. I want to not do anything and leave things but I can not for some reason. I try not thinking about it but it just makes it worse.

I feel like I am about to lose it and it may be at my father because I live with him and there is no other way out.

I do not know what to do.

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