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Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Hi Everyone,

I'm sharing this in the hope that it encourages, someone, anyone, at any time to sometimes make a hard decision.

Today, I had to decide that for my family and my partner, my children, fur-children and parents. That I just wasn't coping as well as I should be.

I was suffering with intrusive thoughts, and not great ones, and so I packed a bag and checked myself into the local ED.

I waited for hours, sobbing, in an emergency room surrounded by strangers, who I thought must have been looking at this odd giant of a man, who didn't seem to have anything physically wrong with him, I guess he just looked hurt.

So here I am, sitting in a bed, the monotonous sounding of alarms singing to each other across the hallway, the hiss of the too cold air-conditioning.

Soon they will ship me off to another hospital with many psychiatric patients, expecting a full 2 week dry out, its going to be agonising, hard, and all hell's of uncomfortable.

When I look at the pictures of my children, my dog, my partner, I sob uncontrollably because this choice, I made for them. Ill return stronger, a better man, a better dad more able to love them and the world around me. To care more.

To the lovely forumites of SANE, make the hard decisions or as one of my favourite movies quotes "Choose life"...

16 replies

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In response to: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

I wish you well but you must remember to do it for yourself as well man and be kind to yourself please it makes all the difference.

Be proud of yourself for following your favourite movie quote.

Love, hope and pray. @Anonymouse1000

In response to: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

This is such a beautiful, vulnerable, and powerful share @Anonymouse1000.

I am so proud of you for asking for support, that takes so much courage.

Would you feel comfortable sharing your updates with us? We would love to walk alongside you throughout this journey, so that you know you have support and a whole forum full of people cheering you on.

No matter what your ebbs and flows look like, remember that you are so wonderfully human. You're allowed to cry, to get it 'wrong', to not know what's next - and you're allowed to learn, grow, and experience a life that feels lit with love and joy.

Big hugs and talk soon.

AuntGlow. 💛

In response to: Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Thank you @auntglow and you @REDLINEZ750 ! Ill keep everyone updated on this journey!

In response to: Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Hi @Anonymouse1000

That is a tough place that you find yourself. My hat off for your courage.

Your story reminds me of another that was broadcast on an brilliant podcast called "Invisibilia", the episode was titled "The Secret History of Thoughts" that may resonant with you.

Best wishes for enduring and overcoming your plight.

Regards

J.

In response to: Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

@Anonymouse1000 im also in rehab facililty dealing with mental health issues, bad choices learnt as a kid and after 8 yrs trauma responce set off a relapse im not comparing i thought it might make you feel a little more understood and suported.

i was in isolation for 2 years before funding SANE & the members i used to look forward to daily became the support and family i never had, since transformation centre is very isolated i have limited access and schedule can make it hard to respond in timely manner.

the people here are great and plenty of good lived experieance, my journey and assistance im recieving may differ from yours but the non judgemental support and guidance you will ercieve from @AuntGlow & so many others wont be @Shaz51 see how it goes blue @Anonymouse1000 if it doesnt then user wont get notification i just saw it on your last post to auntgloew and wasnt sure if you were aware,

all the best, im interested in hearing your journey fellow forumite please dont take no responses in timely manner personal i had 30 min window to get on laptop today and phones very restricting more frustrating so uyeah....

hard to hear and follow your heart when heads full of noise.

i pray you are in trauma informed residence and being treated kindly and heard.

In response to: Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

How are things feel today? @Anonymouse1000 💛

In response to: Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Hi @AuntGlow today is day three on the ward.

I was allowed out for two hours today, its surprising how fast you get acclimatised to the institute. There have been lots of classes/groups, talks with doctors, nurses and carers. Lots of stories collected in the gardens, lots of shared experiences, some painful, powerful and emotional.

The patients are so willing to share all that is raw, all that has hurt, all they are trying to resolve.

I have seen lots of broken people struggling with themselves, from many different places, some are almost like a broken mirror and in the fragments I see myself. We share some of the same 'cognitive errors', the looping spiralling thoughts, the deep depths of our experience as humans.

I also see families coming to see their loved ones, and the beautiful scene of the reconciliation of people being wanted and loved, and that loved being received. A caring hand on the shoulder, the final embrace before they go home again, sometimes without their loved one.

I've seen so much in such a short amount of time.

In response to: Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Thank you so much for updating me @Anonymouse1000 💛

It sounds like there has been a lot of connecting and sharing throughout your stay. I can imagine that must feel really nourishing and grounding for you; to know we aren't alone in our experience is one of the most healing parts of our mental health journey. I am really glad you have had a safe space to share and process what you have been through.

How are things feeling now and where are you at in terms of your care?

I am looking forward to more updates - please don't hesitate to keep writing in here as you go, I will always get back to you whenever I am here.

PS: Your writing is beautiful and paints such an evocative picture. Do you write often? 😍

In response to: Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Thinking of you @Anonymouse1000, how is everything going? Are you back with Middy yet? Or not quite yet? Take care my friend ☀️

In response to: Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Re: Today, I had to make a hard decision.

Hi @Chasingsunsets, @AuntGlow,

Hope you are both well, today is Day 12 on the ward.

It has been challenging getting used to the institution. I imagine once you are used to it that's a good reason to go. Its going to be uncomfortable & over-stimulating, being truthful to myself and my family.

The experience whilst challenging has been cathartic. Now, and 16 weeks from now, I think that I will be even further from a relapse.

I have been given strategies and will need to work on establishing healthy beliefs which I struggle with. I see a myriad of mixed beliefs in here, some about the self, some about others, some paranoia, some depression some of this and some of that.

Its like the spices used to make a complex dish, each neurodivergant flavour add to the final full course.

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