thought cabinet

ohhhhh so the melancholy and regret i felt last year just before my birthday wasn't just a one-off the melancholy and regret is forever and endless i get it now

i don't even feel like staying up until midnight this year. my eyes hurt

i talked before about how i get bored of my friends and how i feel guilty and shallow about that. someone suggested bringing uno and i wanted to go on a rant about how i can't stand uno, it's gotten so old but it's all you want to play and i can't understand the house rules people use and i get frustrated so fast. and i don't know why it triggered me so much and how i'd probably just come off as bratty if i went on to my friend like that, so i just told them nah.

i feel like all i've done is bitch and moan about minor dramas and this is all i'm doing because i hate talking about my CPTSD. i don't know why i'm so angry all of a sudden. i'm going to bed

weekend of being normal and sociable is over it is time to remember i have work tomorrow and start panicking

i am ashamed that this puts so much dread into me when it is only a temporary gig and also 2 hours. i hate how little stamina i have and how poorly adjusted i am to the real world but i still keep having these fantasies where i'm a productive and prolific member of society or thinking it is feasible to achieve

Hey @mallory_strife - I do totally understand that feeling of 'missing out', when you see stuff posted on social media for example it can definitely leave one feeling a sense of loss, a sense of yearning, and a sense of being left behind whilst others are out 'living life'. I try to remind myself that people generally only share the good stuff on social media, and keep their own struggles hidden. It can mean we end up feeling quite isolated when we may not have as many 'highlights' to share, but you never know - maybe they are just as miserable on vacation!

I am hearing that things have become a bit stale with some of your friends too - I don't think that makes you shallow at all! In fact, it sounds like you are craving more depth, more stimulation, and we do need novelty and fresh experiences to keep us going.

Maybe there's a level of this kind of depth that you're missing in some of your relationships?

I'm hearing how hard it is. I hope that you have found some connections with folks here on the forums, I know text-based stuff isn't always the same, but it can help us feel 'seen' when we are accepted in our vulnerability.

Appreciate you sharing 💜

last night i hid in bed and listened to porn audios because i was so scared and upset and of course i couldn't deal with a sweet whispery one because it made me feel wrong and guilty and undeserving so i turned on a degradation audio and my CPTSD liked that more

technically had the fastest shift at work i've had but i felt so slow and sloppy and overheated

i've had thoughts percolating from that thread about the rapist friend but it feels too melodramatic and inside-baseball to bring up. i'm so bad at summarising drama (i know how minimising that word is, i'm sorry) and my eyes glaze over when i read about others' so surely mine would be just as pointless.

i've been thinking about calling a helpline but i think i will do that tomorrow. i have to wake up early so i am just going to mindlessly watch TV

been distracted all day while trying to study and it's been upsetting me even though there's no time limit

i have been talking to someone recently. they have a lot of the same tendencies of moral OCD that comes from spending way too much time online. i don't know if i would call myself their friend but i am addicted to giving advice even when i don't have empathy or experience and most of my advice turns out wrong. i helped them with not seeing their persecutor alter as evil. i liked that there was progress. i don't like seeing them be down on themselves and i like thinking that i can help

last year i was infatuated with someone who was unreservedly a human tar pit. like, you could mention that you were grateful for your partner being so supportive and they'd tantrum about how you're rubbing it in their face and confirming that nobody will ever love them. anyways i was drawn to them with an "i can fix them" attitude because i recognised we were both deadshits and thought that if i poured enough emotional labour into a vampire then they'd love me back. most of this was completely imagined because i am a delusional closet romantic. i lost track of them but last time i heard i couldn't help but feel vindictive over how they ended up.

i think in general i think i make poor company but i could serve people by being co-dependent even when i often fail at being a white knight. i don't know if i should pull back or not

i keep suspecting other posters of being AI from little writing cliches. i am like the major from inglourious basterds seeing the three fingers right now. and this might be my hypervigilance mixing with the fact that i am feeling neglected compared to others on the forum so of course my tall poppy syndrome is kicking in again even though i have been acting rather antisocial on the forums. i think i need a drink

Hey @mallory_strife ,

Sounds like a bit of stressful time. Is there anything in particular you wanted to share?

If you feel like a more social thread, feel free to connect at https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-space/Friday-Coffee-and-Chat-30th-January-2026/td-p/1809026

@tyme i signed up here in the first place because i'm sick of pretending to be a functional adult who's past it now or being the rock for other friends and give myself full permission to be the weak little miserable 12 year old i am deep down and let out my worst thoughts. but of course now i can't socialise or open up here because people won't understand, i'll be whingy, my jealousy and resentment and paranoia is going into overdrive and that isn't very nice of me, people don't want to speak to someone who is never in a good mood or has something nice to say. i don't like seeing other people being happy and i always have to draw a line to declare someone completely unrelatable and not worth talking to.