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I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Blackfish73Contributor10 Jan 2026, 6:45 pm AEDT

I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi,

I’m hoping that I will find some hope in this group.

My husband is a Veteran who served 32 years including overseas deployments in both war and peacekeeping zones.

He’s a been there done that Soldier. (I hope people understand)

I always told him that he would know when his time was up and one day he literally woke up with a near mental and physical breakdown so time was up.

Then came the huge admiration process of getting him home and the support team he needed to help with the transition process.

I ended up having to give up my employment to be with him for his appointments both physical and mental for which some are still ongoing weekly today.

He discharged officially about 4 years ago.

At first I was strong. I was a 30 years experienced teacher and qualified counsellor. Skills you may think would be helpful in supporting your husband through this difficult time.

Over the past 4 years I’ve been reduced to a quivering mess. I’ve lost confidence, have panic attacks, developed health complications (High BP, eye complications, issues with my type 1 diabetes and more)

He is obsessive about how things need to be done including what time things should occur and how long it should take.

if I go to the shops I get multiple messages, have a time frame calculated by him and then if I get home late it’s ww3.

i get called things that no woman should ever hear from a husband that loves her.

i am accused of being lazy and not domestic enough if the bed isn’t changed, washing washed and ironed and house cleaned all before his timings for each day.

i have had to rehome some of my beloved pets knowing that he wouldn’t take care of them when I was sick.

The worst thing that he has done is over night he went through my purse, removed my key/bank cards, car keys, gate opener for our driveway and house key. As we live in a rural area (due to him wanting/needing to be away from people) this effectively trapped me for several days until I could convince him to let me have them back.

Now he is telling me that because of my health issues I am toxic to him and he has given me until April to rectify a list of things or he said our marriage is over.

i know I am not the perfect wife. BUT I have stood by him and defended his behaviour when he does go out even to checkout operators for example who dare to pack the groceries wrong!
I manage to go back in and apologise profusely.

I am scared for both of our futures. I am committed to my marriage and I still love the man beneath the injuries.

Any encouragement here would be appreciated

Thanks for reaching.

32 replies

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In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

BecomingOkayPeer Guide13 Jan 2026, 9:34 pm AEDT

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

@Blackfish73I’m really glad that my words helped, even in a small way, and that you were able to release some of the stress and tension you’ve been carrying for so long. That big breath matters — it’s a sign of just how much you’ve been holding inside while trying to survive an incredibly difficult situation.

You deserve to be heard and believed, and I’m truly sorry that you’ve had to go without that for so long. What you’re experiencing is real, and it makes sense that it’s taken a toll on you. You’re not weak for feeling this way — you’re human.

Please know that you’re not alone in this. The SANE community is here to support you and to stand alongside you through this very difficult time. You don’t have to carry this by yourself anymore, and we will continue to listen, believe you, and walk with you at whatever pace feels right for you.

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Shaz51Senior Contributor23 Jan 2026, 4:43 pm AEDT

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hello @Blackfish73

wondering how you are going today my friend

sending you lots of hugs

My husband has MI problems but has never been in the arm forces

we had a very small self employed business which we had to give up due to my physical health problems which I have a lot which family members say it is caused by my husband`s mental heath problems

The hiccup now is that my husband is not coping with retirement very well

we go everywhere together and have no friends

being on this forum has helped me including i like playing word games on the computer or phone

click onto this link Coping Toolbox ( what is in yours to help you cope ) to have a look , have you got hobbies or things that you like to do too

@BecomingOkay , @Oaktree , @Forest_Fairy , @NightHedgehog

In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Minx13New Contributor25 Jan 2026, 11:48 am AEDT

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi, I don’t think this is the wrong place to talk. I’m getting similar advice from my healthcare professionals but in the end you have to do what is right for your sanity/health. My personal opinion is you need to get out of there for yourself. You could try a separation if you don’t want or can’t leave this toxic relationship. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and see if you like who you are when you are with him… you need to love yourself and then you will find your own answer. Thinking of you and hope you find your happiness. Life is way too short to be unhappy. 💞

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

tymeModerator25 Jan 2026, 2:06 pm AEDT

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Welcome to the forums @Minx13 ,

Thank you for sharing.

I look forward to seeing you around and getting to know you more.

Hello @Blackfish73 @Shaz51 @BecomingOkay @Oaktree

In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Magpie22Peer Guide26 Jan 2026, 9:18 am AEDT

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

hi @Blackfish73 and welcome to the forums. It sounds like things are really difficult right now. I haven’t been in exactly your situation, but I have had to make a decision to leave my marriage because of alcohol issues.

I understand you have been seeking help and the advice has been to leave. That must be really confronting after everything you have sacrificed to support the person you love. But it’s really important for you to be safe, and some of those behaviours sound like maybe you aren’t safe with him right now, and that maybe his own illness isn’t being managed effectively. Leaving, even only temporarily to start, might prompt him to seek further help. There are some veteran mental health services in Tasmania that offer programs for members and families. https://www.openarms.gov.au/about/news/2024/open-arms-help-more-tasmanian-veterans

Many of the programs are available to you, whether your husband participates with you or not.

Whatever you choose to do is up to you - it sounds like many of your decisions and options have been driven by your husband, and now you have professionals telling you what to do. It’s always your choice, at the end of the day you will know what is right for you. Im

not saying stay or leave, only that you are not passive in this - reflect on what you need.

I can hear you are feeling really alone, so I’m glad you have found the forums. This forum is only new (less than a year) so we are still building the community. Apologies you felt unheard. But know, I hear you, I believe you and we are hear

to listen.

In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

K-KNew Contributor07 Feb 2026, 10:40 am AEDT

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

I'm in much the same position as you and I now face the fact that my husband needs to be in full time care.He goes into respite and when he is away I feel like a different person. He is a Vietnam veteran and now he has Alzheimer's we lived with PTSD all these years but now I'm looking forward to being myself again and not a carer who is to blame for everything that goes wrong with his life because he doesn't have a problem!

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Forest_FairySenior Contributor07 Feb 2026, 10:46 am AEDT

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Welcome to the forums @K-K.

We are glad you have found this wonderful community for support.

It sounds as if you can see some positives with this recent change, I'd be curious to hear - what kinds of things would you like to be doing, in order to reconnect with yourself?

Forest_Fairy 😊

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Blackfish73Contributor07 Feb 2026, 6:38 pm AEDT

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi @K-K

Thank you so much for responding.

You certainly have a lot of miles lived in what sounds like similar shoes.

I do manage to get some time here and there when I can encourage him to go visit a mate somewhere interstate. At those rare times my life is completely different as well.

How are you going with finding full time care for your husband?

Mine doesn’t have a problem either so they are members of the same club.

I hope all goes well and happy to chat anytime.

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

GalaxyGuideModerator18 Feb 2026, 10:07 am AEDT

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi @Blackfish73,

I hope life has been kind to you lately. How is everything going? Have you done anything for yourself recently?

Sending you lots of warmth and support 🙂

In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

PilihCasual Contributor13 Apr 2026, 12:24 am AEST

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Dear,

You make decisions based on what you think it's right for you and him, and your family, not because someone told you so.

I almost gave up mine when it was 5 years. I stayed, till the end, 23 years later. He passed away 6 months ago. I was glad with my decision to stay and look after him whole heartedly. He's a special man.

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