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I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Blackfish73Contributor10 Jan 2026, 6:45 pm AEDT

I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi,

I’m hoping that I will find some hope in this group.

My husband is a Veteran who served 32 years including overseas deployments in both war and peacekeeping zones.

He’s a been there done that Soldier. (I hope people understand)

I always told him that he would know when his time was up and one day he literally woke up with a near mental and physical breakdown so time was up.

Then came the huge admiration process of getting him home and the support team he needed to help with the transition process.

I ended up having to give up my employment to be with him for his appointments both physical and mental for which some are still ongoing weekly today.

He discharged officially about 4 years ago.

At first I was strong. I was a 30 years experienced teacher and qualified counsellor. Skills you may think would be helpful in supporting your husband through this difficult time.

Over the past 4 years I’ve been reduced to a quivering mess. I’ve lost confidence, have panic attacks, developed health complications (High BP, eye complications, issues with my type 1 diabetes and more)

He is obsessive about how things need to be done including what time things should occur and how long it should take.

if I go to the shops I get multiple messages, have a time frame calculated by him and then if I get home late it’s ww3.

i get called things that no woman should ever hear from a husband that loves her.

i am accused of being lazy and not domestic enough if the bed isn’t changed, washing washed and ironed and house cleaned all before his timings for each day.

i have had to rehome some of my beloved pets knowing that he wouldn’t take care of them when I was sick.

The worst thing that he has done is over night he went through my purse, removed my key/bank cards, car keys, gate opener for our driveway and house key. As we live in a rural area (due to him wanting/needing to be away from people) this effectively trapped me for several days until I could convince him to let me have them back.

Now he is telling me that because of my health issues I am toxic to him and he has given me until April to rectify a list of things or he said our marriage is over.

i know I am not the perfect wife. BUT I have stood by him and defended his behaviour when he does go out even to checkout operators for example who dare to pack the groceries wrong!
I manage to go back in and apologise profusely.

I am scared for both of our futures. I am committed to my marriage and I still love the man beneath the injuries.

Any encouragement here would be appreciated

Thanks for reaching.

32 replies

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In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

CarryOnPorkChopContributor28 Aug 2026, 4:25 am AEST

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

@Blackfish73, instead of leaving immediately I would insist on moving house closer to a hospital. You both clearly have health issues that require proximity to a hospital. Maybe just an air bnb if this calms him down that it's only temporary. Your health issues are also somewhat related to the stress of living with the shadow of your former husband. I had to withdraw recently to prioritise my own health due to debilitating migraines. Hubby is now struggling horribly with PTSD as a result of me focusing on myself but I now have the energy to focus on him again. He will never not have PTSD but it's impossible to always prioritise him first

In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

ShebaNew Contributor06 Sept 2026, 10:21 am AEST

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Gosh your story sounds so much like mine currently apart from taking things from the handbag… I drive him everywhere as he is on so many meds and seeing so many people we are constantly at appointments. On the outside he looks fine and to others he is amazing but behind closed doors if I say something he does not like I get things said to me no wife should…. He says it is how marriage is???

He is nearing 40 years plus and being medically discharged due to his mental illness.

I have tried many counsellors and marriage and he people pleases then once out he just resumes where he left off….. does not take any advice from anyone and says he cannot stop what he does.. but he loves me….

I am ex serving but am just a wife in his eyes.. I have to remind him that I served at times as he throws what ever he can at me… they Drs tell me that his brain is not functioning to his mouth and he does not stop and think but he can do to others outside the home.

The only others who know are his two adult children as they lived it too..but I have not told them how bad he has got…

Lots of lies and double life have come out in the last 4 years and here I am still supporting and helping him. I feel so betrayed that I was not the only and he wanted to die with these lies (his words) but his mental health has gone down hill and I do not see the man I married… and I question our marriage now to was it all real or was I just the wife and carer so home life did not fall apart and he was this amazing man at work and he playing up on it all and loved the attention and accolades… I have been told to leave the marriage but this is over half my life and I do not want to break the family up and do not want to start again…. It’s sad I am sad….

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