The me no one knows - SI warning

@Flutterbug9 oh that really does hit home so hard for me too.

Thankyou sweet. Thinking of you too and sending love and hugs ❤️

Hiya @Flutterbug9 @Captain24 always happy to talk about ADHD stuff!

I miss y'all too fam, for real 😢

What would you like to know?

If you wanted to see some of the questionnaires I think the two I did are free to download if you google them + pdf - I did the Jasper-Goldberg and the DIVA 2.0.

Small personal anecdote - in the J-G one there was a question that really threw me, something like 'do you feel like you're always running on a motor'. Initially I was like 'huh? No, that's a weird thing to ask.'

After getting medicated, and feeling my entire body actually come to a kind of resting state; and then feeling the meds wear off and sensing this immense internal 'buzzing' feeling return to my body, I was like OH. OH MY LAWD THIS IS THE 'MOTOR' THING!!

So if you do the questionnaires or when you're chatting to your supports, it can be good to get a little more insight as to what questions mean before you answer, cos sometimes our 'default' (that we think is the same as everyone else) is actually not the 'norm'!!

Just saw your post @AlwaysMyself and this seems eerily similar to your description of 'always-on brain' 🤔

I never had to get a parent into any of my appts but I did bring a whole bunch of anecdotes from my childhood to help - stuff like always forgetting school supplies or always losing track of time as a kid, even the little things like how I used to forget about food in my school backpack until I was cleaning very gross, very mushy fruit from the bottom of it.... I think I had at least one anecdote, sometimes two (one from childhood one from recent history) for each of the criteria for ADHD in the DSM-V. Having a look at the 'official' criteria can potentially help too, so you know what is gonna be most relevant to talk about.

Sorry to hear you had a tricky interaction @Flutterbug9 regarding the croquet roster. Without knowing too many details (so take this with a grain of salt) being told you're wrong despite you sharing evidence to the contrary, sounds a bit like gaslighting. I'm sorry that you're not being listened to, or respected in your expression of your needs.

Hope your therapist is helping/validating you throughout all of this too, sounds like they've been super supportive 💜

@Flutterbug9 I don't understand the rostering person's decision either, lol. Mystery to me as to why they would do that. 😑.

Update read: Oh, good - they realised & acknowledged that they made a mistake from what they had intended. 😊 I am glad they did let you know they now realise what you were saying. I think that is important as a way of showing you respect and validation.

Argh, the constant back-and-forth of "I need to do xxx. No, I need to do yyy." would be frustrating to have going around in your head. 😖. I'm guessing that making a list of the things and adding to it as you think of them doesn't help stop the flood of thoughts from overwhelming?

Mmm I would prefer to just know what they are going to do and not have them changing it every week! 🤣. I am happy for either a full day or 2x half-days, so long as I know clearly when they are and thus can plan around it. But like I said - thankfully I am not trying to orgnaise work meetings around it 😊, and I can/will say upfront to them that it is my current availabilities and that I can block out the advised time when I am told if it is still available at that time, and request they please let me know ASAP what the decided date/time is to help ensure I am available.

Thankfully most of my appointments I could move around over the upcoming 2-3 weeks (e.g. chiro, massage, counsellor, peer worker, non-MH GP) 🙂, but anything related to the clinical trial or my MH GP I can't -- I have to take what times they offer. I'm not worried about it - I have learned to roll my eyes and sigh.

It's the study course practical assessments for my RPL (as opposed to the written assessments).

@Flutterbug9 understand the anniversary and being a trigger.

I think watching DVD with the feet up and the cats nearby sounds a perfect plan 😍.

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@Flutterbug9 wrote:

Tuesday hairdresser appointment, croquet each Wednesday morning. Next week catching up with a friend for morning tea. Next week I’m thinking about going to (need to push myself to go to) game of Mexican trains for couple hours. Trivia once a month in afternoon. Local cinema showing movie The Choral on Sunday afternoon. Friend has said they will go if I go. 😂

Part of my struggles in keeping the interest in going and then actually going.

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It sounds like you have a number of things planned to help keep you connected to people @Flutterbug9 . I will also be interested to hear how it feel for you at the time of being involved in the activities. I recall from reading on anhedonia that the most common form of it (generally speaking - not saying this is you, just generally!) is that people don't predict things to feel/be good/interesting or feel the motivation to do it, but do then feel enjoyment or "good"/better when they are doing it.

I really do hope and wish this will be your experience too for these activities even if you may feel unmotivated leading up to it. Like with the model trains the other day! 😍

@Jynx So much of my life I just accepted that was how things are. Way too young to start with to know any difference.

Lots of things I “remember” I don’t know if my actual memories or “memories” my mind has created from things I’ve been told.

Only clear memories I have from primary school are teachers names, that small bottles of milk were delivered to the school, one for every child, swap cards, how I vacuumed up every maths lesson I was given in grade 5. Snippets of random other things. High school memories are no better.

it’s not all the time. I have times where my thoughts mid sentence of thoughts jump from one topic to another over and over. As quick as it starts, it stops. For years I’ve just thought it’s how my mind works.
cleaning entire house, I start in one room, mid stream my mind saying I’ve should be in another room. Once again, the pattern continues.

worst I remember was myself and few relatives doing final clean before putting a previous house I owned on the market. I remember being part way through cleaning kitchen windows, stopping and saying I was going to start working on the study. Relatives got angry, I felt totally confused and struggled to concentrate.

I have initial appointment with psychiatrist in June and have said on patient info online form they asked me to do is I’m wanting to have meds review

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@Jynx wrote:

Just saw your post @AlwaysMyself and this seems eerily similar to your description of 'always-on brain' 🤔

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@Jynx this made me smile and laugh 😅, because i do relate to a lot of what I hear friends with ADHD describe - and the techniques that they learn about and share are often things I have to pause and stop myself from saying "well, yeah - isn't that a normal technique for everyone in life?" 🤣. And I honestly do not know what is "normal" for other because funnily enough I have never been another person to know what being anyone else is like lol.

But the thing is, a diagnosis requires it to have caused impairment in childhood. If one develops their own coping techniques (or has been taught them because perhaps their parent is a psychologist?) then they may not show impairment. 😉 And if you don't show impairment, then no one will see the symptoms. And if you can't remember your own childhood experience/feelings/thoughts you can't know what it was like for you during those times either lol.

I think I have a number of "mild" ASD and ADHD traits - but managed quite functionally thus to not display impairments.

However I will be interested to meet and get to know the psychiatrist i am being assigned to for the clinical trial because I read his online profile on his private practice website yesterday, and guess what some of his other treatment areas/interests are? (other than PAT for TRD)

... female adult adhd and audhd.... (as well as male and other things too, but I noticed that he specifically also mentions female adult)

@Flutterbug9

I won't raise it with him per se, unless he asks anything around those things. But it would be curious to see if anything I say in whatever we do discuss gives me reason to raise it. Oh, and if I get the "comparable medication' instead, during the trial, I will be so interested to see what happens -- because it is an ADHD med 😉. so.. if I had a dosage of that and I felt ... less brain-on..? that would be interesting. But equally if I had a dosage of that and I felt the complete opposite - that is also very informative about my neurology lol.

@AlwaysMyself The paper lists can be good or make me feel worse. I break jobs down into small components, cross off when finished.

days lists don’t work eg bedroom to get the laundry, realise I haven’t made the bed, mid way through brain might say to weed the garden, that leads me to garage to get gloves etc, in the garage I get a thought about something different again.

ive read an item that is like “hey, that’s me”. Can never find it when I want it.

this morning my thoughts bounced from one thing to another for couple hours. Planned to unload dishwasher, then I’m thinking about researching specific DVDs I would like to get. Get up to get note book and pen …. I need to phone the electrician. Phone number is within app for where I live, go to app and start looking for details about activity I’m thinking about doing. Realised need to phone electrician job finally done and booking made…… ..l think people get the idea.

Croquet brings out the competition side of me. Get there early and last year was known to stay for awhile after my game finished. Short walk home and not long before I’m feeling flat.

Musical tribute night on the weekend @AlwaysMyself Sounded good, something I’d be ok to sit through without getting bored. Forgot to put my name on list for seating. Had time still when I remembered, by then had lost all interest.

same think for few bus trips or few hr boat cruises last year.

I see things that catch my eyes or appeal to me. Sometimes within an hour I’ve completely lost all interest in going to or being part of. Doesn’t worry me afterwards that I missed out. It’s like I don’t care at times

Part of me knows I need the social connection and interaction. That it’s ok to enjoy and feel happy, if it happens.

friend who has been struggling with their own MH and family things this last 12mths enjoys Trivia. Couple hrs out of our own houses once a month. Something about domino game Mexican Trains has me intrigued, thinking about going couple weeks time one Tuesday afternoon for couple hrs (this games been on my mind various times in last 12mths so has more chance of me possibly going).

couple activities a week, exercise program set by my physio, chores, medical appointments …. That’s plenty for me atm.

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@Flutterbug9 wrote:

I see things that catch my eyes or appeal to me. Sometimes within an hour I’ve completely lost all interest in going to or being part of. Doesn’t worry me afterwards that I missed out. It’s like I don’t care at times

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1000% yes @Flutterbug9 . Sometimes just the idea of having to commit to something ahead of time is such a detractor for me. Not to mention if I factor in the cost of something. My mum said to me recently about something I was interested to do when we go up north in a month, "If its something that sounds interesting to you - do it! don't think about how much it will cost - just do it!" Now, my mother is very financially responsible - and I have inherited that thinking too. But she is also understanding of mental health and anhedonia and where I am at in my life currently -- hence the encouragement to not even think about the cost of it (which to be honest is less than $200) but just to do it if it is something I might like to do.

... but have I booked it? Nope.

I did ask my sister who will be there if it was something she would be interested to do with me (our mum isn't able to do it). Know what she said? 😅. "I'm not sure... it's a bit expensive". 🤣. Yep, we grew up with mindset haha.

And the motivation to do it alone - not so much. I like to share experiences with people.

I am considering offering to pay for it for my sister, but I don't think she would accept it because she knows that I am not working this year and my sick leave will dry up soon. But hey, I should offer - because if I don't, then I am ruling out that possibility without giving it a chance.

If she doesn't want to accept the offer or do it, then I will probably wait until closer to the time to see what else I might find to do or see how tired or not-tired I feel.

But yep - I get that very brief glimpse of maybe that could be good to do motivation before it vanishes again lol