The me no one knows - SI warning

@AlwaysMyself @MissGremlin @Captain24 @Cuddlebear

Ive been causing upset and problems last few days for everyone. I offer my apologies

best for everyone I take time away from the forums.

@Flutterbug9 sweetheart you have nothing to apologise for. I only wanted to check in cos last thing I want is to upset anyone here. I care about you and everyone here so much.

I understand if you want to take time away but please don't feel that you've upset me at all. Hugs my sweet ❤️.

Hey @Flutterbug9

Im sorry if I wrote the wrong thing. I was trying to be supportive, you have definitely not upset me. I’m sad for you of what you have been through. I’m also sad that you feel like you have upset people.

I can’t speak for others, just myself but I like talking with you and getting to know you. I may not have the right words as that is just me and I struggle with it but I’m very much behind you and holding you.

If you feel you need to take time away then that’s ok, you have to put yourself first and do what you need to do.

Aending hugs

@Captain24 @MissGremlin

Neither of you have done or said anything that has upset me.

its me. I feel like I can’t or say do anything right.

Feeling overwhelmed.

Feeling angry with the world, my back pain has returned already and is really bad at times.

@Flutterbug9 my sweet, you've never said anything wrong to me. I try to remember something myself when it comes to reading chats/posts like this, It's really hard to get emotions/context across to people who are reading. So at times things can come across the wrong way without anyone meaning for it to happen. Also given that this space is one for mental health at times things that are said can be sensitive in nature to others for various reasons. But please know that you matter here and your feelings matter.

I'm sorry that your back pain has returned, hoping you get some relief from it soon.

Firstly, @Flutterbug9 , you have not said anything to upset me. Nor would i prefer you to disappear for awhile -- unless its because what is most healthy for your recovery. I love having you here to chat with, learn from, and be encouraged by, and to be able to offer you care and support too.

Big hugs on the pain returning. 😭. I can imagine this could impact your mood and thoughts a lot. How much of a role do you think it is playing in your current anger/irritability/frustration/etc?

Please do let me know whether your pain eases up again at all, or whether it seems to be sticking around.

How does it rate compared to pre-RFA pain levels? Is it the same spot, or a different area?

I wish i could take the pain away. I hate the days when my pain is bad, and i imagine it is absolutely no where near your levels of pain, given the treatment options you have explored already - i know they dont offer them to mild cases at all.

I'm so sorry people haven't believe you in the past when you have mentioned things. 😢. That is very hurtful and harmful. I am fortunate that i have been believed, except by my father - he could never reconcile his perception of the person against what they did. I am lucky to have had a mother who could explain it to me when he said that, and that i was also old enough to understand it - and perhaps not having a good relationship with my dad already made it a bit easier to be less hurt by it because i already knew he didnt understand MH and was very tunnel-vision in his beliefs/perceptions of the world in general.

You deserve to be believed; you have never come across to me as dilusional or unreasonable/exaggerated. Never given me a reason to even consider doubting you.

I will always be open to hearing about ypur experiences and who you are - whether or not it is MH. Our lives are so complex, and all of our selves are important. All parts of you are important.

Family taboo's are fascinating! Different family 'cultures' have taboo on such different things.

In my family it was mostly set by my dad - or at least, we knew what wasn't safe to talk about when he was present. We weren't allowed to watch TV shows such as The Simpson because it had "too much sexual references" - and I'm talking the PG rated episodes even 😆. On the other hand, we were allowed to watch MA-rated gory action movies when we were under 10 years old - because they are what he wanted to watch 😉. So violence = A-OK, but sexuality? Oh no - don't even think about any talk of that! Anger was an OK emotion to express (but expect anger in return), but sadness? Nope. Disappointment? Nope. Tenderness? Nope (unless you're talking about your dinner steak).

And yet i had a fairly "safe" household - much more functional than many people have, and even more so when compared to peers with mental ill-health. I realise this and am grateful. Most of the time I can't fault my mum at all. And even my dad was "well intentioned" even if he didnt have emotional regulation, insight or an open mind. He didnt deliberately hurt me.

I am curious what was taboo in your family. But thats just me and loving to learn about people and how their life and families operate, etc. You dont need to share unless you want to.

@Flutterbug9 I want to reassure you that you have not caused any upset. I like you very much. I like having you on the forums.

i very much enjoy getting to know you and to support you when you need it. I appreciate all the support you’ve given me too.

Please don’t feel you need to leave the forums due to anything you have done. You’ve been an excellent human. But if you need the time out I understand. Just want you to know you’ve done nothing wrong.

@AlwaysMyself Resting and back pain eases.

Various possible causes.

do you know what the cause of your back pain is?

options you have been given to help reduce the pain?

do you know what causes your fatigue?

Not everyone has same views, beliefs etc regarding theme of the movie The Sixth Sense. For some people the theme of the movie is fact.

One family taboo - “women’s things” were not to be discussed with my father or when he was home. One of his rules.

another rule, family only allowed in the house always. Other Adults allowed into Lounge after house fully built, no other rooms. Children in my level at school never allowed into Lounge after the house. All his rules.

if sport (any type of sport in broad terns) was on TV, that was only thing to be watched. Another of fathers rules.

showing anger was never permitted. I was never physically punished by my father.

That is really interesting @Flutterbug9 . I can understand why they may have not wanted people in the house when it wasn't finished being built (eg shame, embarrassment, fear of judgement, etc..). Very interesting that adults were allowed in the lounge afterwards, but not children. Do you have a any theory as to why? (E.g. because he wanted to deter you having friends over? Such as if he didnt want ti have to deal with "noisy children running around")

I'm very OK with having different beliefs to people. 😊 i do believe supernatural senses or experiences can happen; as a christian i do believe in the spiritual realm. However most things i just have an open and interested mind to and don't specifically believe or not believe in. I enjoy listening to peoples perspectives and experiences on it though - i enjoy a podcast that celebrates this diveristy of beliefs and experiences called "we can be weirdos". Weirdos being a positive term in this way 😍. Life would be so boring otherwise!

I think i am really glad no one in my house liked watching sport 🤣😅. But then again, maybe if someone did I would have grown up to enjoy it too so who knows lol.

I'm glad (for you) that he didnt physicially punish you. But i suspect, as we both know exists in the world, there was probably other forms of punishment and/or neglect at times, and that can be just as hurtful and damaging.

Some of my aches and pains we dont know the cause. Same for fatigue. So it was lumped as "chronic fatigue" when i was 16. Did blood tests 6 years ago to rule out lupus and rheumatoid finally.

Since then i have had specific aspects of pain looked into - my knees have maltracking and cartlidge deterioration which causes inflammation and pain. But the inflamation and degeneration is more common in athletic people or older people -- neither of which i am/was.

My lower back pain has always been presumed as from damage from falling off a skateboard - that was the initial onset of chronic pain when sitting. 20 years later i'd never had a scan to see what was wrong, until the chiro did an in-house xray. L5-S1 has no spacing and is not a good angle -- likely a result of an injury and 15-20 years of deterioration they said -- which fits with my skateboarding injury. Chiro is helping with the spine pain; i notice it returns when i dont have chiro (holidays).

Most of my GPs have just dismissed my pain unless i have really pushed for investigting. And i dont like to push unless i am at the very end of my tether.

Orthopaedic specialist said not to do running or impact things, instead do swimming or cycling to strengthen knees. Strengthen VMO muscle and release/relax ITB muscle will help knee tracking.

Otherwise only ever get told to lose weight to lighten the load on my knees. Which of course is easier said than done lol.

@AlwaysMyself I’ve been noticing between different posts that you and I have various similarities.

knee tracking, ouch! I’ve had to have one knee strapped few times due to me putting kneecap out of alignment.

I’ve got set of muscle strengthening exercises I’m supposed to do at home which have been set by my physio as part of specific program. Increased muscle strength helps reduce knee pain. Am thankful my previous podiatrist told me about Good Late Approx Dome.

enjoyment of watching sport was ruined for me

I’ve spoken to regular church goers whose look has been of total disbelief that I used to have nightly conversations with a relative for weeks after their death

L3 to S1 I’ve got a bulging disc and 2 discs almost no space between. T6 to S1 scan 12mths ago showed sever OA, moderate OA C1 to T5 with disc degeneration C3 to C5. Disc degeneration aligning with having cracked 2 discs first year high school when shoulders landed on basketball court at end of somersault

Does it drag my mood down at times? Yes. Does it lead to bed rotting at times? Yes. Did/does it impact on everyday life? Yes. Is there anything that can be done? No