Hi Niqua
Thanks for your wonderful response to my message about love - and that you think my love is pure. I had never thought about it before but maybe it has been purified through fire - my life was anything but untroubled for many years and something good must have come out of it because I am still here
My going to the places where only the homeless people go - oh how I remember those days and those people - and how I learned to trust them and trust me. Of course the bags of food helped but I did what ever I could for my son except enable him - I thought I have over-invested myself in him but my uncle told me that no one could love anyone too much - and he would know - but those people were real - they were honest with me - maybe because I was honest with him
How many people would go into a flop where the homeless shelter to hear something about someone they love - actually where I went was only outside - a place near the station and another under a bridge - but for some time - years - they would come up and speak to me in the street - there was something incredibly humbling in doing that - but there is a strong Biblical presence in talking to the outcast - however they have become outcast - and my son had a good home but chose to be a homeless person - so I something wonder. Who will attend the Wedding Feast?
My father did eventually overcome my mother - but that was a long time ago - I wrote to him and told him the truth about certain things and long story short - he wanted me back in the family and until he died I did attend events in my parents' home - but only with my daughter - Dad - who had lost his vision - would hold onto my sleeve and keep me where he could see me and no one ever asked me to move away from him and we could talk about the past - and he loved that - and I think I was the only person who would talk with him about what his short term memory loss had not taken from him.
But after he died my toxic sister decided it was time to pull her weight and drag back the past - and I have no idea what it was all about because I was never told much - but now I don't have anything to do with my siblings - and I am better of without them
But it has taken a long time to get here - I have felt the sting of loneliness - learning to like being alone has its roots back in my marriage when we were two people living in the same house - and yes - you are right - love and sex are not the same thing - my then-h felt that he needed some affection - that was how he saw sex and it had become mechanical - a long time before I locked my bedroom door - it's lonely living with the mate with whom I had been great friends but alas - he found his own way to lacking "affection" - his silence and morose behaviour sent me looking for a social life away from him - so when we did finally seperate I had my own social life and I learned to live alone walking along the isolated beach on cold January evenings that seemed to last forever and found myself - and never lost myself - and how to share how that was processed - I would if I could but I think I had to accept who I was and I do not tolerate anyone trying to enforce themselves on my behaviour
When I still had young children I told my mother I was emancipated and she laughed - of course she never was but also - she never understood what that meant and that emanicipation is a state of mind rather than circumstances
Something I have found about sharing on these forums - yes - one thing is that people here are so often trapped in their feelings of not being worthwhile - or being too much for other people - I understand that - I felt like that for a long time until I broke out of that shell and my kids were still young then - that was when I went back to school and continued for a long time - people - including my mother - tried to make me stop but I continued - and if I had a gift for so many people here - including yourself - it's that we are all worthwhile people and to shake away the concept driven into us by our mothers from an early age - we were once small helpless children whose mothers tried to force into a mould - and I get it - I was there once - but I woke up one morning and decided it was enough - I was not going to spend my life doing nothing but care for a house and the people in it and be unhappy - I still cared for the house and the people in it but I put my own interests first after breakfast, after dinner, after work - when I got up when I pleased, worked at a job I liked and was qualified for, cooked meals that pleased me and spent my evenings studying -
So I think there is a balance here somewhere and it is doing things for other people AFTER we have considered how we fit into the programme - and it is so hard - it really is so hard - but for years and years keeping away from my family of origin meant I could keep away from the mixed messages from my mother
You are right that society teaches us that blood is thicker than water - and this is not always true - people with whom we share a home will want us to be what they think we should be even if that makes no sense to us at all - and I have had a lot of therapy but as far as I know - this was not something my family had so yes - I was the one who did the changing and they did not - how I see this repeated here over and over again - this is something the forum has has helped me with
When we seek therapy we change - but those around us who do not have therapy do not change and they are likely to resent the changes we make and try to make us unhappy the way we were
Alas - we may never be really happy and I wonder if that's the main thing in life - but here's my idea - I would rather be unhappy on my own terms that be unhappy because other people do not like the way I am
I wonder if this makes sense - I read so much unhappiness here and people might want to know why I stay - that's easy to answer - I am used to my own fragile state and I have my really bad moments - I can just tell people here I am having an anniversary or whatever it is - and people here understand and don't try to change me. I also bring a gift of life - people are worth so much more than they feel they are and I want to tell them that knowing that it will never be enough but still - I know it takes thousands of repetitions of "I think you are great" to overcome the bad mother-messages that have already been taken to heart -
But I try
Niqua - I know I am okay - really I walk between the light and the shadows of my life - the shadows give the light relief and I see it better and the light gives the shadows definition and make them less scary
I truly believe you are a worthwhile person - I believe the people in the forum a worthwhile people
Sometimes I open up like a flower as I have done here - it is a worthwhile thing to have shadows in my past - I have learned to accept them -
Dec
@Former-Member
