Good Morning Mazy
@Mazarita, Claire @outlander, @Faith-and-Hope , @Shaz51 , @CheerBear and Everybody 🙂
I hope everyone's feeling good today 🙂 or at least not bad I'm not feeling bad today, exhausted from travelling 5 hours there, having a mad blurring for the night & then travelling 5 hours back home!
I made a bit of a spontaneous decision when I hopped into the car to go, I programmed a particular beach into the GPS where I could take the dogs. It was a bit crazy really, it was raining - it rained the whole way. I knew that visiting the beach would probably make me late for the BBQ - but I just did it . . . anyhow?!
I got hopelessly lost when I got close to the area with the beach! I really rely on my GPS, particularly when I'm somewhere I've never been! I saw a turn off/exit that I knew was on my GPS but the gadget didn't 'tell' {it talks to me} me to turn. I think my maps are a little older now, I don't re-new them, and that the road had been slightly changed; the turn off, I think had been a little further down the road in the past.
I did go past a beach, I even saw the walkway signs to it, but the GPS just kept turning me around, it must have been a big circle cause it took about an hour for the gadget to get me back to that exit!!! I took it the 2nd time I saw it 😄 I followed the GPS to the beach I had programmed it for, one that I'd researched during the xmas break, as a dog friendly beach.
I was getting a little desperate by the time I did pull up. I was already late for the BBQ & we hadn't walked yet & we had to travel back to my child's place! It was still raining, in fact it was getting a little harder - but I was just so determined that we'd go for that walk on the beach!! I'd brought the oil-skin coat, that I associate more with muddy paddocks & I'm not sure if they're seen much on beaches? 🙂 & took the little compact umbrella that my child had given me from their work . . . and after a couple of beach blows said umbrella was destroyed! 😉 . . . but none of that mattered; I wasn't even sure if it was 'the' dog friendly beach, though I didn't see a sign stating dogs weren't allowed?
I knew I had to send my child a text message as I was travelling & they would worry about my being late. I think perhaps something in the back of my head had planned the beach walk to be kept a secret & I could have lied but in a way it felt good to confess that I got lost getting to the beach to walk the dogs before I visited. My child has an extremely full on life with many stresses, I think sometimes it's easy for them not to see what goes on in other peoples lives & what they stress about: The xmas kerfuffle was really quite huge for me, I think it's still affecting me - I think it had a lot to do with why I decided I would bee-line straight to the beach first. I think it was my only way of saying to my child 'I'm sick of doing a 10 hour round trip, where I pull up 1/2 an hour short of a beach . . . & never seeing it. I'm sick of the Center of my Universe visits being nothing but stress. I need to do something for me about it, even if my child will do nothing for themselves about their situation.
It did feel like a very strange focus & I did think 'It's raining, why am I doing this?!?', as I'd thought very similar thoughts when I typed in the co-ordinates as I left home. It was almost like an automatic action, I was just following, . .. maybe my head. It was definitely a 'this isn't real' blur. But it was & the rain just made it more perfect really 🙂 There was hardly anyone on the beach, no other dogs - so I let them run off-lead. They had a BALL!!! 😄 😄 😄 Though we didn't stay long, it was raining, the umbrella broke, I was getting wet & kinda cool 😉 + the young fella kept looking like he might 'take off' into the bush at the back of the beach, but it wasn't really bush, just a thin nature strip of small trees and beach scrub with an esplanade road on the other side of it! And I did feel guilty about the fact that I was late {it wasn't really intentional - well, not to be that late anyhow} and that I still had to go into the Public loo and change. {<that was so outside my comfort zone . . . & yet it felt kind of fun & exciting, kind of young & 'throw caution to the wind' sort of stuff 🙂
I was about 2&1/2 hours late when I arrived {I'm actually very glad now;)} it's a typical small suburban front yard - very small . . . . it looks like a car-park!! One of the reasons I felt I needed to go, was because my child had been sounding very depressed at the fact that they had contacted a couple of friends to attend the BBQ but had heard nothing back & thought that no-one was going to go. I was shocked by the car-park, I wasn't expecting it 😮 I couldn't pull into my usual spot, where I have a permanent cot sized cage I can put the little fella into.
Luckily another one of my last-minute decisions was that I'd kick my eldest grandboy out of his room {he's the only one with a room of his own & the fact of the matter is - he doesn't like it, he gets scared}. I think I'm also sick of having to pack an entire bedroom and outside shade facilities too?!? But also a case of lucky we did go for that walk on the beach, cause they spent most of the rest of their time in the back of the car. They did sleep in my grandboys room with me that night, but that wasn't until 11pm, & the young fella did get a bit of a run in the backyard in the morning until more people started rousing. In fact he was doing fine with the kids, I'd put his halter thingy on as my grand-nephew? {is that what you call a nieces son?} is still quite little & I didn't want the young fella knocking him over. But as more & more people arose it was just to hard to contain his want to 'join in the excitement' . . . any excitement . . . he'd been sitting in the back of the car forever!!!! 😄 {unfortunately all that got him was more sitting in the car until about lunch time when we left, where he only had 5 more hours of . . . sitting in the car to go!}
It turns out that my child didn't have many of their friends attend the BBQ, a couple of young ladies arrived later in the evening from the workplace & my child did seem to 'chirp up' a higher level after that {though it probably had a bit to do with the strength of the drinks they were making too ;)}. Most of the 'car-park' was full of relatives, like xmas my child has tapped into their Fathers side of the family & yet again I had to face the side-effects of my brain trying to process the ancient memories that aren't entirely positive. Though I must say my child's Grandmother is very sweet, & gave me the feeling that she was not judging me in any way ❤️
There was only 1 couple there that I had never met when I arrived, friends of my child's partner; they just happened to be the first people I saw as I walked through the door. I quickly said 'Hello' but really HAD to get to the toilet! When I came back out & turned around the corner I saw my child & eldest grandgirl in my youngest grandgirls room with her sobbing - obviously in trouble over something {by this stage it was about 6pm so a lot of lollies, chocolates & excitement had been going on - she went to a 'bounce park, where they have huge trampolines for you to play on :)} I tried to say 'Hello' but it was all a bit much, I had not been expecting a full-on party & yet there I was & it was going full-steam ahead!! I made a dash back out to the car, thinking 'I've got to set up the critters'!
I did a lot of 'checking on the critters' throughout the night ;), but I did as much socializing for as long as I could as well 🙂 I sat in the corner a lot, but that's where I needed to be. Even when I'm expecting a party or social gathering of some kind, I never really expect the reaction I personally have to them. But I've been having that reaction my whole life so I guess I've found ways of managing. If I can sit in a quieter corner I can just watch whats happening & I will retain some flashes of memories. I have many positive ones from that night, conversations with my niece & nephew, a couple of really treasured ones of my child's partner hugging me and Thanking me for all my help; & the most treasured happened the morning I left, when my child opened & read the card I'd gotten & written for them - there was laughter & then silence & then they looked up with glistening eyes & said 'Good on ya, you've made me cry', with this enormous smile on their face 😄 I could feel the bonds of love pull tight, despite a few frayed bits here & there, still strong & unbroken ... unbreakable ❤️
So when I sit in a corner I'm not hiding, I'm managing, I'm doing what I personally need to retain some good memories from the blur.
But all-in-all I think it wasn't a bad trip 🙂 It was a blur, absolutely. From beginning to end, it felt like an 'out of body' experience with the beach thing & then to face the yard full of cars & party that I just did not expect! I'm exhausted! But I'm Ok 🙂 I think it was a good decision to just go overnight & I've made a conscious decision that each time I go to my Center I will first go to the beach with the dogs 🙂 Which reminds me, today is an off-lead walk day, I'd better start winding down this was 'Good Morning' - now 'Good Afternoon' 🙂 blurb 😄
But I've got a bit more stress I want to get out first. I'm glad I went to bed when I did, before it was noticed my eldest grandgirl had 'slipped out'. I can imagine my child's panic from the xmas kerfuffle, when she refused to come home. Apparently she returned at some early hour of the morning, what that 'What . . . what's the problem' attitude; coming up with a couple of different stories about where she'd gone & who'd she'd seen. Even though she was sleeping on a blow-up mattress in the lounge room, with all the noise & chaos of little ones that had lollies for breakfast {there's another positive memory - the kids eating those lollies that may taste like something good eg. caramel; or something bad eg. dead fish! (00): this is what they where doing at breakfast time (00) . . . I think they took Nanny/Great Aunty saying 'there's cereal in the cupboard or bread for toast, feel free to help yourselves in the kitchen' as - YAY Free for all to the lollies left over from yesterdays party! 😄 😄 😄 But they had sooooo much fun, there was soooo much laughter 😄 🙂 Why they do it . . . I don't know & there certainly seemed to be far more icky tasting ones than good ones!?!:D}. The Eldest grandgirl did not open her eyes the day I left, I went around lunch time.
I was able to do a proper 'Goodbye' this time, I wasn't - for the first time ever - after the xmas kerfuffle; I go around each member of the Family & give them a hug & a kiss 'Goodbye'. Last time, again for the first time ever, I did not say Goodbye to my eldest grandgirl, I feebly waved to the 2nd eldest grandgirl & my child's hug was barely there. This time the only one I hadn't said Goodbye to was the eldest grandbaby who's mattress was right at the front door; so as I walked through it to leave, I looked down & said 'Goodbye young lady, stay safe <3'. I can't believe, unless it was somehow substance induced, that she could still have been sleeping & not have heard what I said. I do love her, it was just the 3 of us way back in the beginning of her family, herself, my child & me. I've been there, if somewhat in the background as I've gotten older, through all the 17 yrs of changes in her life. I do remember, though I was a little younger, the madness, the sadness, the shame and pain of 'becoming independant' & 'growing up' The blur spinning faster, more violently, so completely out-of-control sometimes. The hurt inflicted and the hurt caused at such a tumultuous stage of individual changes is something I can only remember in snatches of a blur. I do feel for what she's going through. I just can't go through it again, once was enough for me, I have to back away now. I'm glad the Universe gave me an only child. I wonder if my child ever considers the fact that they are 34 their partner is 2 years off 40 & they are both still very dependant on their Parents? My child's Eldest is just starting to reach out of the nest, they have 4 more fledglings yet to fly & each will continue to return for a lifetime.
Thank-you for your constant companionship, your anytime your able, anyway you can, anywhere at all friendships ❤️
Love to all that need it ❤️ Understanding to those who've been through similar experiences & acceptance to those whom I have not experienced their struggles ❤️
Niqua
-- do you know 
