General chit chat

Hello Mazy @Mazarita, Claire @outlander, @Faith-and-Hope and everyone passing by 🙂

I've been writing this big long blurb all day. I had started it with 'Good Morning' but I've missed that mark well and truely. *Warning - extremely long Blurb!*

My child has rung me every night for years, ever since I realized that trying to make a phone call myself triggers physical reactions in my neuro-biological processes. I had actually asked if I could Skype them each day, as I was still able to press the call button on Skype . . . and I could see them on the screen - but their lives got too busy for that, and they began giving me a phone call each night.
I hope at least the texts continue, it will be very lonely without my child in my life.

But my childs life has become to chaotic for me, their lifestyle has become a trigger. It seems my child and their partner are constantly stressed, angry, upset - and often I have no real idea why.

One situation will start, not get resolved and another situation will already be in full motion, whilst yet another will be brewing, at full boil, in the background. There is no time for the brain to process all of what is going on.

My feelings of guilt I think stem from the maternal instincts to protect your child - I can't protect my child from their own decisions. My child is no longer a child, they have 5 children under their care and they have been independantly raising those children for nearly 20 years.

I think that feeling of being used is the underlying trigger for uncontrollable saddness.

I am angry at my child, but I think the underlying true truth about it, is that I'm afraid for my child. I can not deal with where their decisions have put their household. I have lived a life and know how desperately hard it can be . . . and I only had 1 child in tow.

I had no choice but to leave, the truth about that is that I ran away, that's what I do. I never even imagined having to do that so obviously with my own child. I am second guessing myself, was it really that bad, did I just over-react . . . was it just my brain malfunctioning?

But I do remember a moment of, well not pride but a more positive moment; when I realized I was recognizing the physical responses to being in over my head - out of my depths. I had had extreme difficulty sleeping the night I decided I could no longer, safely and appropriately, look-after and care for a 3 year old; I thought I had found a solution, but still felt extreme anxiety when I told my child I could not look after the youngest and offered to pay for day care. I think it was at this point where my anger began to grow. I didn't feel any appreciation for coming up with this solution, which cost a lot of money - instead I felt a dissappointment to my child. I think it was at that moment where I started to feel dissappointed in my child, through the anger I felt for my 2 eldest grandgirls . . . which all kind of leads back to me.

I have noticed that my child seems to do some things almost entirely oppostite to how they were brought up. The obsession with every gadget that lights up and makes noises - my child was brought up in very basic/old homes {some were legally considered 'unliveable'} with no power, mains water or flushing toilets.

Yet I have noticed that my child seems to be repeating some things almost exactly how they were brought up. We had a very low income when my child was a child, and yet quite a lot of our income was wasted on alcohol and drugs. My childs household has a much higher income, but I think the amount of that income that gets wasted is also much higher.

I find myself having to remember that I have been 'there' for my child for 34 years, I have been 'there' for their children for 17 years - and this is the first time the ride has gotten too rough and I've had to jump ship . . . 2-3 decades, not a bad track record for a looney hermit nanny really.

A couple of days after 'day care' began, my eldest grandgirl threw a spanner in the works of my brain process that my child then hammered in further. It was all done innocently and with a sweet smile, simply asking if she could go to the beach. I was already fighting to subdue the anger I felt from my eldest grandgirls not coming out of their rooms until afternoon {aparantly their usual waking hour} and not helping to the point where it had cost me not only financial loss, but loss of dignity, belief in my own capabilities, and definately loss in my ability to cope!

She wasn't supposed to go out and she knew it. She used her knowledge of Nannies frazzled brain - I thought I'd done well getting her to help the younger one's and do the dishes {not something these children do on a regular basis, it's not a part of a daily routine}, before she went out. I was sick of facing the kitchen from hell every morning. No-one in that household does, what is blatently in-their-face obviously needed to be done! Then to add to the drama she turned off her phone & was uncontactable. That's how the situation was at about 10pm that night, my child & the 2nd eldest grandgirl were tearily worried and upset. When contact was finally made, the eldest was refusing to come home. I don't think I was told the whole story, only that she was 'going through something' and that my child had promised not to get angry or even discuss anything for a few days; they just wanted their eldest back home safe.

I guess I can understand that, but I couldn't deal with it. My child had taken away my right to react to a situation I'd been directly involved with. The next day the eldest slept until afternoon as usual, then stumbled out and flopped themself onto the couch with a pillow and blaket and prompty went back to sleep under the air-conditioning. My child said nothing, actually they started playing a video game with the youngest grandgirl, which was probably the most interaction I'd seen them have with any of the children for quite some time. I could not sit in the room while this was happening, so I spent the afternoon and most of that evening, sitting in the back yard. My anger was peaking, though at that stage I couldn't put my finger on why.

Sleep did not come that night, I have not had that happen for a very long time. I knew. By morning I had come to the decision I had to leave. I knew I would have to sleep first, and that I would have to sleep before packing as I suffer nausea as one of my neuro-biological malfunction responses. But telling my child was possibly one of the hardest things I've done, they weren't obviously angry, or upset - they weren't obviously anything, I basically got the silent treatment . . . which I'm basically still getting. Silence leaves me with nothing but guesses, and 2nd guessess and 3rd and so on. The more I tried to explain, as gently as I could, that I think my childs rules/directions with the children and the running of the household, is not working and that I know it's thier family, thier home, thier way - but I couldn't do thier 'way'; the worse my physical reactions got, until they took over. I can actually feel an attack coming on, it's like a wave of electricity washing over and through my body. It's not just my head, my thoughts involantarily scattering - all my muscles all over my body shake, my breathing changes and there's nothing I can do about it. Breathe in though my nose and out through pursed lips, like I'm blowing on a spoonful of hot soup - that's all I've ever gotten from the years of Doctors . . . and I think it's something I already did - I just didn't have the entree in mind when I did it.

But when I noticed it was 2pm in the afternoon, I knew I had not slept that night and yet I was only mildly tired; I knew this was a huge physical change, and the environment that I was in would only cause it to deteriorate rapidly. So I did lay down and manage a few hours sleep before facing my child again. Their partner did step-up that night and not only cooked a nice dinner, but washed up afterwards; but what I saw during the visit, was that the partner wasn't helping on a regular basis - no-one in that household was helping on a regular basis. I think the main reason that happens is because, although I don't think they're honestly looking at it, but my child won't let them. Many people, including a profession psychologist, have told my child that in a household of 7 people, everyone has to do their bit; the professional suggested a roster, . . . it never happened. I was visiting every fortnight during that time to ensure my child would go to the sessions.

Yet there is a little part of me, that whilst I sit back in my quiet little bubble, I think could be ever-so-slightly relieved that the maddness of chaos peaked. I doubt I'm going to be asked to help for a while. Without that regular trip to my center . . . I might just get out and see a bit of the rest of the Universe? I did turn up there with all intentions of going camping, I was really worked-up and looking forward to it; maybe if I'd been able to do more walks on the beach with the dogs, but I never was able to do that again as by the end of the day I was too exhausted and sore to be moving the little gazebo and large cage at the back of my ute, and my child never offered to take me.

Well this has turned into a monumental blurb, but it's really helping to release what almost feels like a physical pressure in my head, so Thank-you! I really do appreciate my friends just 'being there' for me, I really do want to try and express my gratitude for your not forgetting me, thinking of me, caring and giving me the most positive support.

I'm glad every flap and slap, every itch and scratch, is going to remind you I love you Mazy

You made me tear-up Claire, my beautiful cyber-grandgirl. I want to try and express how reading "You are enough Niqua" felt so good it overwhelmed me a drop or 2: it was like having a billion bubbles of good floating up from the bottom of my chest, moving my face muscles up into a smile so fast it squeezed a drop or 2 out the corner of my eyes 🙂
I love looking at the stars, though I still don't know which one is Sirius, not for certain - though I do know with certainty the Southern Cross when I see it now 🙂 But when I'm not trying to figure them out, when I'm just looking at them, I definitely find them peaceful, and beautiful, and so incredibly vast!
You know what helps me find peace within myself, when life has become a Universal tornado . . . my friends ❤️ Thank you for caring about my soul, a person who you'll never know any details of, and yet know better than those closest to me ❤️

My dearest Faith&Hope, Thank-you for your friendship, for having the type of deep understanding that only a true friend can have. I didn't realize it at the time, but your absolutely right . . . Nanny was saying as loudly and clearly as she could - "this is not okay, and I can not pretend it is any longer!"
The physical environment of our home is a huge part of our lives. I struggle with basic house-hold chores on my own, with just me. But I don't struggle with them because I want to fit into society, I want to be able to find things, have clean clothes to wear, clean dishes to eat off, etc. It's like my child isn't processing things in thier brain properly. Maybe a case of having bitten off more than they can chew; but they decided to take the bites. What I'm seeing is a chain reaction, I'm the Nanny link connected to the link that's my child, which is connected to 5 links from toddler to teenager. There's many other links, some bits of chain hanging off the chain, some little pieces of chain connecting the main chain into little loops - it's a complicated chain.
I've done my best to make it noticable that the chaos level in that household is too high. I hope this rant helps validate your own great efforts and helps you understand why I am in such awe of everything you have done, trying to be noticed ❤️

Love to everyone that needs it
Gratitude to everyone that gives it ❤️

Niqua

Evening @Former-Member

that was a long post however you said you felt releived. Im am glad some of that pressure has been released and thank you for having that trust to be able to share these thoughts with us

what your desrcibing sounds really hectic esp when your not use to it. I am sorry of your recent experiences esp since I know you love your visits to your centre. It sounds like a little bit of organisiation is needed in there end. Hmm there are a few things that did catch my eye.

The first one is guilt and being used and I am also sensing control in there too this for you I am guessing does come from your maternal instincts- I cant say I understand that part as im not a parent however I have been helping raise my sisters so can understand to some extent. Ive heard that children leaving the nest so to speak is a really hard phase and each phase that comes like every newborn baby becomes a new chapter in their lives so really you think youve just adjusted and something new pops up. Loosing that control can be really stressful and watching them struggle is even more a trigger. One of my triggers are also guilt and control. The guilt comes from not feeling good enough and trying to make up for it in other ways like gifts, or adventures orhelping more even at the expense of my own health- which seems to have happened to you too. The control your lacking- youve raised your child well and have to trust that they will do whats best for them however you wish you could help them. Not feeling in control rises your anxiety and makes you panic and second guess everything youve done- if im off course them tell me- these are more observations.

Being used- I ma glad you have acknowledged that. It is hard to find a balance between trying to help but without letting people take advatange of you. A balance most find very hard and its clear you have reached your limits and from what ive learn about you, you will grow. Itll hurt like hell but there will be some growth somewhere in there.

The second one is chaos- your not use to chaos and your upbringing and the way you raised your child is very different to the way they live they. I am not surprised you feel overwhelmed at all actually. Im glad you tried to incorporated some of th older kids to help out, and try and get the house functioning all together. Im sorry it wasnt continued on though. I know this one will be hard but try to brush that one off a little bit, long term habits are really hard to change. I understand the chaos. I live in and with it every single day. When the habit becomes long term, it can also be distressing to hange from all angles. I would much rather a peaceful life as do you and im sure they do as well but they arent use to the calm. In a way they are a functioning chaotic family- if that makes sense so even while your child is taking the brunt of things

(can understand that well) they adjust- doesnt make it right though and they deserve help.

Im also picking up that silence is a trigger for you. Being ignored isnt something your use to either. That doesnt make it right and really I think your child should sit down with you and apologise and thank you for your help and all youve done with you. As with any mother no matter their wrong doings you still love them despite those feelings of disssapointment (which is perfectly fine!) but it doesnt give them the right to simply ignore you. It takes 2 minutes to write a msg, it also doesnt take long to make a phone call.

One more thing- you said 'but my child wont let them'- this wow- this is a major trigger for myself and I wonder if maybe it is for them too. They might have a larger household and so more things are needed to be done, but im wondering if they have similar thoughts to myself in the fact that it casues them anxiety. Gives them their own guilt feelings? Like when they dont do something and force someone else to do it, gives them guilt and anxious feelings? Just abit of food for thought perhaps.

Anyway that turned out to be a way longer post and its probably not what you were after so I hope its ok to discuss those with you, if its not then no hard feelings and completely ignore that msg

You are enough Nanny Niqua, you are more than enough Youve had your fair share of life dramas and you are a wonderful person, I wouldnt change you for anyone. I can tell you have grown from everything happening which is why I say even though this is a tough situation I feel you will learn something from this

I love looking at the stars too, theres something peaceful about them isnt there, maybe a nightly ritual could be going outside and just simply looking at the stars and admiring their twinkles. Sometimes you will see satelites. Often at around 9-10pm if you find the big dipper- the one that looks like a saucepan- there will be a satelite passing through. Im in nsw near the east so if your further west im sure not of the timing there esp with daylight savings. They look like a white orb floating across the sky, they dont blink they just remina a constant white light.

Your friends here love you Niqua, and if it helps being here and interacting then your always welcome (your always welcome anyway) to talk, rant, or even just sit and be in good company whenever you need. We are always here for you

lots of love, hugs and gentle hand holds as youve done for me many times

hello also @Faith-and-Hope@Mazarita 🙂 i hope your days going ok for you

Hi Niqua,

It was good to read you unwinding things here, on the page, getting it out, clarifying things for yourself (and for us who care). So much better to be able to express things that way than leave them bound up in a tight knot of unresolved silence within. I used to journal pretty much every day for about 20 years for this kind of reason. These days, I do that kind of writing here on the forum. I find it is even more helpful when there is the possibility someone is listening.

I hope your child continues to text you, at the least. I hope there can be phone calls again before too long. I hope your child realises how lonely your life would be without them, and takes care of you in that way. In the time I've known you here on the forum, I have certainly seen you helping your 'centre' in very many ways. I hope they do ultimately realise how much you give, and act accordingly, perhaps after the tension has eased a little. I feel this will happen for you, Niqua as, despite the raw feelings just now, I don't feel the conflict that arose was of a serious enough nature for anything other than reconciliation to occur with a little time.

It is a reasonable cause for anger, feeling used. However, it will be the opposite of anger that heals, I believe: both of you perhaps coming to see a little more each other's position in the situation. As @outlander suggested, there may be an opportunity here for both of you to grow in the process, perhaps even become even closer in understanding.

Again, I'm so glad you had that positive recognition of what your limits were and, as @Faith-and-Hope said, have now stated your boundaries. In fact, you went on for a couple of days with these warning signs increasing, trying to stick it out. That's how dedicated you are. But knew when to pack your kit and depart for the good of all concerned, a great strength.

Your eldest granddaughter, totally understand the anger that arises out of worry. If she is over 18, I suspect she might feel entitled to go out alone, and even to turn her phone off (though it was very inconsiderate of those who care for her). As @outlander also said, if she is around that age, a little less, a little more, it is a tricky time of transition, and often a time where boundaries are tested and broken recklessly. I remember my own youth and know how many naive and foolish things I did that worried my mother. Again, it's not always possible to completely protect. But I don't know how old she is, so I will stop talking about this. Also, never having children of my own, I tend to look at these situations with the memory of being that young age, rather than from the point of view of parents or grandparents.

The chaos at your child's place: it may possibly be helpful to your reconciliation with your child to accept a little more that it is their choice to live this way. I can't really imagine how a family with five children of such wide age span could be anything much less than chaotic, though I can see how it would work a lot better if more of the family pitched in. Also can see that substances do seriously complicate things. Totally understand your worry about that. Not sure there's really anything that can be done to stop it. That kind of choice has to be theirs, I think.

Perhaps the best you can do is what you have been doing up until this trip: going for short visits to assist within your limits. Stay away and pursue your own life adventures (such as camping) for as long as you need to replenish and be ready to tackle the madness there again. And be there to comfort and support if there is a crash. I suspect that the only thing that really went wrong with your presence at your centre this time, was that you planned to stay too long. This meant your child expected you to be there and may have been disappointed to lose the support (hence the silent treatment). And that you were stretched to breaking point.

I've probably gone out on a limb saying some of this and some of it may well be off the mark or unhelpful. As @outlander said, please just ignore wherever I may have got it wrong. Or feel free to set me straight. I will take it well.

Streaming love and strength to you for your period of recuperation from this experience. Always wishing you well.

@Former-Member

Hello Mazy @Mazarita, Claire @outlander, @Faith-and-Hope and everyone 🙂

Thank you for all the effort you've put into reading and listening to me. You have made what felt like a really bad situation, ease a lot quicker than it would have.

My eldest grandgirl is absolutely stretching and flapping those wings, strengthening the muscles readying for flight; and it is a huge part of my child's reasoning behind their reactions. I do feel guilty, my child didn't have a picture perfect upbringing; I was my eldest grandgirls age when I had my child; my child was a little younger when my eldest grandgirl was born. Neither my child or myself made it through year 12, if my eldest grandgirl does it, she'll be the first in my bloodline to do so.
I think your spot-on with your observations, your wisdom yet again far exceeding your years! I think even my child acknowledges the financial abuse/use - they have said they will be putting money in an account to 'pay me back' some of what I've been putting in - and that was before the child care thing. I have been throwing everything I've got in financially, because I know I don't have much to put in physically. Maybe the growth will be in a better understanding of that.
I hear you and you again are spot-on with the long-term habits. I think that's why I've always had the 'live and let live' attitude; it's my child's home and family, how it runs is up to them. But I think what hurts is that they didn't think of me, they weren't honest enough with themselves about me. No-one in that house-hold really was, surprisingly the 2nd and 3rd youngest grandbabies were extremely helpful and the partner & their parents seemed very understanding, they actually thanked me for the help I had given.
I had never thought of it as a functioning chaotic family, . . . that's exactly what it is - I'm often in awe of how the hell they do it! 7 people in the household, 4 of them work {the eldest grandgirls work part-time at a take-away}, 5 children from toddlers to teenagers, 4 of which go to school, 2 of which don't take the bus and 1 little fella that needs constant supervision. Just the taxi-roster alone would be a nightmare!!!
It is extremely hard to watch the stress my child is under. What's harder is the fact that I believe it's due to their own choices and decisions - and that's effecting everyone in their lives . . . which is everyone in my life.
Your insight is amazing. Silence from my child I think is a trigger because that's pretty much the only noise I've let stay in my life. I received a phone call last night, it was awkward and short, but it was a huge relief and extremely settling.
I think the lack of an apology {especially from my granddaughter, and especially that my child ruled out having to even speak of it, never loan face-up to what she'd done} and gratitude of a thankyou is what cuts the deepest. I have been trying to figure that out, what straw it was the broke the camels back, or triggered the neuro-biological malfunction. I think that was it.
In a large family, in any large group of human beings; each individuals decisions, choices, actions, effect every other individual in the group. My child is constantly stressing about things like, not having any bench space in the kitchen, not being able to find clothes, towels, tea-towels etc; but my child never encouraged their children to learn how to manage those things - yet they are the things those children have to face my childs stress about every day. It creates a whirl-wind of emotions for everyone there!
You can discuss what-ever you want with me Claire ❤️ if you trigger anything in me, I'll just back off a bit 🙂 You know, it's just occurred to me that's exactly what I've done with the Center of my Universe - I've just backed off a bit, be it in a fairly dramatic way . . . I still love everyone there; in fact it's because I love them that I've tried my hardest to say there's too much going on & I can see that if things changed a little, it wouldn't have to be so stressful. I'm still trying to help.
I think I might try to motivate myself enough to light a little fire in the pit tonight, then sit back and look at the stars, maybe I'll see a satellite 🙂 I've mowed around the house - I knew it was going to need it when I returned as it kind of needed it before I left 😉 So the grass is down around the pit at least 🙂
The critters are definitely glad to be home! I think I've been home 5 days and the dogs have had 4 walks 😄 The cats just glad to be out of a cage, because that's where he spent the best part of a month, in a cage, outside in the heat. The little fella, had a chain instead of a cage, but he was right there with the cat. Even the young fella, though he had the run of the back yard sometimes, had to go on a chain in the corner of the yard whenever someone sat outside; as whenever he went up to anyone {just going up to them, not jumping up}, he would be told to get out of it and appeared to be annoying just being there. For the young fella, 1 walk, not matter how fantastic it was jumping through the waves as they broke onto the sandy shore - 1 walk in about 1 month, was hell & he even started looking depressed by the end of it.
In all my ranting and raving I have not yet asked 'How are you Claire?' ❤️ Is your household quieter now that your Mum and Bf have moved out? What's happening with caring for your Sisters? Please tag me into the best thread to catch-up 🙂
Love to you Claire ❤️

It was more than good to get stuff out of my head Mazy, it was healing; almost like a necessity to begin repairs of the malfunction. I think that's what journalling/ or do you remember the days when you picked up a pen and wrote on a paper page in a little book they called a diary, I think sitting down, having some quiet time, recollecting the thoughts that stand out in your head, writing them down and giving your brain time to process them, helps create calmer emotions; or/and reduce more stressful ones.
It is more than helpful to know someone is listening to me and cares! Having a secure, safe feeling about knowing that someone will hear me is something that I cannot express enough gratitude for - to know I'm not alone in my thoughts is to precious for words.
Your right the conflict wasn't of a serious enough nature for anything other than reconciliation to occur with a little time and both of us coming to see a little more of each other's position in the situation; Thank-you for pointing that out to me 🙂 Sometimes things get so cluttered in my head that it's hard to see the obvious. I'm frightened of the same thing my child is frightened of . . . being rejected by my child. The leaving home phase is often a tumultuous one; it was dramatic when my child turned 16, at 15 I was basically faced with take the job and the flat that was nearby it or get out anyway . . . I took the job.
I know that when my child flew the nest, the stress felt like it would break me, but it didn't and we ended up being a permanent part of each others lives. Although the chaos in my childs household overwhelms me, I also see a lot of love. I believe that my grandbabies flight will not mean my child looses them, it will simply be another beginning in continuing being a permanent part of each others lives.
I've been thinking about future visits. At first I imagine they're going to be awkward and short like the hugely relieving phone call last night. So to try and make that easier on me . . & everyone, I think next time I 'visit' I'll camp at the spot I had in mind to visit while I was there last, and just spend 1 night in my childs driveway before I go home?
I think your suspicions are absolutely right! The main thing I couldn't cope with was the length of time I was there, a major guilt is that I'd said I'd stay until the end of school holidays and I couldn't. I did turn up there expecting and all packed up for, camping. To discover the pre-arrangements for the kids {their aunty} fell through; and as far as I could tell there was no-one else. I wasn't expecting to be put in charge of a toddler and a household of 7 people! That my eldest, now 17yr old - excited about being an adult this year grandgirl and her 16yr old sister did so little to help with either their youngest brother or the household, just leaving it to their grandmother who they know doesn't even pick the little one up! - and then the eldest did her thing - I was beyond disappointed, I was angry, I still am. My leaving was definitely Nanny saying 'I am angry', even if my child had promised they wouldn't be and nothing would even be said as long as they came home. In fact I actually did say something, which probably did spiral my anxiety - thinking about it afterwards and realizing I'd defied my childs promise. I even remember what I said, word for word, which is odd, like it's seared into my brain. I was plodding into the veranda outside the kitchen yet again, as that's where the smokes are put, on a table out there where your allowed to smoke; and I saw the eldest casually raiding the fridge; I had already decided I wanted to look at what the time was, I'd said good night at about 8pm just to escape everyone and everything; I'd been out a few times to get more smokes and wondered how long I'd been sitting in the back of my ute, ranting and raving in a fury to myself? I kept plodding and grabbed a few more smokes, I think I was trying to stop myself from going in - or giving her time to get out before I went & checked the clock on the microwave? I don't know, it's a bit of a slow motion memory, she was still there when I went in, it was 2.30am, and the words just fell out - I said I can't sleep because of you, she did the innocent face and asked why? I told her it was because she'd lied to me, I even remember I used the wrong words, I said 'telling me' I should have said 'asking me' - about going to the beach, when she knew dam well she shouldn't be going anywhere! I then said 'As for turning this entire household upside-down because your going through something - well, your putting everyone through something! and then I turned and walked out, went back to sitting in the back of my ute, ranting and raving to myself . . .
Sorry, another eruption of blurb!
Thank-you ❤️
I read on another thread that your seeing a specialist about a sore arm today. Sending you back the healing and positive energy that you so freely send to me <3.
I've been writing this *extremely long blurb* all day again, on and off. I need to get off and get to the library to collect a dvd I've ordered.
Hoping the problem with your arm is found and easily tended to, sending you extra love ❤️
Niqua

I bet this is really good to be getting out Niqua, your sounding better than your first few posts.

There seems to be a lot happening in all your lives and it can be really unsettling. Its understandable that your child is stressed about your grandgirl leaving the nest, but also an exciting time too. They just have to get through the mud first.

Money means a lot yes but I doesnt mean they should abuse that but im glad that they are recognising at least that part. They may be a little embarrassed at needing money from you too.

Walking away because you care is one of the hardest things you can ever do but I think the msg was received that your not putting up with it anymore. Its ok to take that step back Niqua

I hope they know how lucky they are they have your help. I am so glad some of them thanked you, at least that was recognised. I know recognition isnt always the most important part but its still nice esp in a chaotic brain.

Your not use to the chaos but they are, so really the choas mightnt look like chaos to them but more like a regular and normal thing. Im sure that when the younger ones get abit older things will die down. They will be able to do things more themselves and the older ones will help. This will work out Niqua, youve done the hard yards and made your child a beautiful person, who is just struggling abit right now. I hope that on one of your next visits that grandchild will apologise to you, and I think camping instead of a lengthy stay will suit you much better. Chaos is a trigger to you- understandable and is perfectly fine

I feel I can discuss things with you, you tend to have an open heart, but also know that if I overstep- then do tell me. I learn that way too. I learn from my mistakes or try to anyway and if I trigger you on something then let me know I will be more mindful as to what I say surrounding that topic.

I think having a fire outside looking at the stars with your pets sounds like a wonderful idea. I do hope youll see the stars. You know Dec has an astronomy thread. Teaching of the universe and planets and stars, maybe you would like to join in, I can always tag you into there if you would like?

I am ok for now, I havent been and I was in hospital over night. So many things are happening. I gave up on help including my dr etc and I have been finding it incredibly hard to reach out and better to shut down. This week I finally worked up the courage to speak to my gp, though over the past 2 days ive had a few let downs from mh professionals, things I hope will come together soon enough. I lost my job- the farmhad job but am still a carer but my pop is becoming a little more difficult to handle but with more me time it is better. I may study a few nursing units when im better . With the deterioration of my mental health my physical health is really paying the price of constant pain, and just feeling so unwell. Usually I can mange to get up and do the house work etc but over the pas few days ive barely moved out of bed. Everything inside of me is changing, even the way I dissociate. I dont really know who I am anymore. My house is a little quiter yes, but pop is still really noisy and tends to have lots of visitors. I still help with my sisters more often than not and not having the second job to go to doesnt help in that aspect. Makes it harder to say no to them.

Im on new medications. One of them I need constant blood tests as it can casue liver damage so monthly bloods are a must. And the other tablet im on is a sleeper, but its super addictive which means I have to be even more careful and can only take it 3 nights a week with at least a day in between. So I cant take the next tablet till sunday now.

lots of love and hugs xoxox @Former-Member

Hi Niqua, middle of the night here and I've just got round now to responding to your post. I had a rotten day yesterday and have since been caught up in my own kit and kaboodle of emotions and obsessive thoughts. I've written a very long ranty post about it in 'The Long Rave'.

I'm so glad that you writing here, and the responses you have received, have helped you recover some equilibrium after a tough time. Also very happy that your child called you so quickly after the rift. Even if it was awkward, it shows they love and care for you to do that, when they themselves might too be smarting from what was said and done.

I wonder if you lit the fire and took in the stars last night. I can imagine you in a remote place where the stars are very bright, outside in front of a camp fire with the young fella and the little fella and maybe the cat too. I wish I could join you. I'd bring my guitar and maybe we could have a sing. That would be for when we'd had enough of stargazing, or chatting, or just silently enjoying each other's company. I used to be very good at spotting satellites. They are usually not as bright as stars. What gives them away is that they visibly move across the sky, past all the other stars, until they are out of view. Sometimes you can spot a number of them over a shortish period of time.

Great to hear the dogs (and you) have had four walks in five days. I'm sure that would have helped shake off their cooped up feelings, and the difficult thoughts and feelings for you too.

Oh yes, Niqua, my twenty years of journalling was just that - writing by hand in diaries.

I too think it's a great idea for you to spend only one day at your child's place next time, camping the rest of the time.

I'm glad you got to speak your mind briefly to your granddaughter. It might let her stop and think about her actions a bit.

Yes, I saw a specialist yesterday. But it was about my gut disease, not the sore arm. I've just put the sore arm in a wrist brace for now and will probably see the GP about that next week.

Sending more love on down the line to you. @Former-Member

@outlander, so sorry you had another night in hospital. Sending you lots of hugs and love too.

Good Morning Claire @outlander

I am very lucky to have you and friends that I can 'get everything out' with It has definitely made me feel better 🙂

Not only can you, but I want you to discuss anything with me 🙂 If I cannot hadle a situation or am unable to respond, I trust that you will respect me not reject me for it . . . I trust you

I am so glad to hear your Ok now, especially hearing what you've been going through ❤️ I have a picture in my head of your family being a 'functioning chaotic' one - just the thought of it makes me tired, and I know how easily I'd be trapped in a very unhealthy brain process.
Try to focus as much as you can on you, you have your own room now - close the door, put on some soothing music, light your favourite incense, wear your best outfit & perfume and do the things that help you find you; draw, write; write me a poem about a paddock and it's peacefulness - the quiet whisper that rushes over a field of grass; and draw me a picture of a soul being lifted in it's freedom 🙂

I love you my beautiful cyber-grandgirl

I won't stop nagging at you to never give up 🙂

Nanny Niqua

Evening and Thank you @Mazarita I hate going there, but it was better than what was happening.

How are you going? :

heart: Im trying to following along to the other thread but sometimes get overwhelmed and lost as to what your all talking about.

Evening Niqua @Former-Member

im glad your feeling better 🙂 thank you for your trust, that means a lot to me and no of course I wont reject you for it

oh I forgot to tag you into my other thread, ill do that after here.

Im ok on and off but not as bad as what I was. Its just a rough time all round I suppose. All of me is different from sleep deprivation and stress. Yes my family is a choatic functioning one, thats how I recogised your child family unit as a functioning despite chaotic. I do feel pretty trapped but its also my traumas and the emotional abused ive copped from them over the yrs but at the same time I am use to it.

You want me to write you a poem and a draw you a picture? I can do that for you

hello also @Faith-and-Hope how are you going? howd your day pan out?

I love you too Nanny Niqua and I wont ever stop nagging you telling you that your enough