Heartathome

Humidity is shithouse @Bunniekins I hope you feeling better soon if have no air con it's rough

Morning my sweet @Bunniekins, hope you get lots of rain today and that your appointments go ok. Love you beautiful ❤️

@heartathome we are about the same vintage heart 61 here. can i ask your birthday? just wondering what zodiac sign if you. i may have already asked i cant remember.

I'm a Pisces with some Aries in me @Bunniekins . I can have a hard exterior (not much these days) but am marshmallow inside. I went to an old age expo yesterday. I was definitely the youngest! 🙂💚

@heartathome heart your birthday must be coming up. my daughters is on the 8th march. psices are beautiful people!

My birthday is on the 18th @Bunniekins I'm not impressed being called old now! My son is enjoying it! 😅 I still feel like a defiant and rebellous teenager...with old age complaints! 😁 💚

@heartathome i love being 61 just sometimes i look in the mirror and i am like omg! i am all grown up now ...... still listen to https://youtu.be/H5UQE3QnZwI

I just found this long, long, long poem on my phone. I didn't know it existed. It's about my drug addiction and abstinence. 💚

RECOVERY

It started out so innocently

It was just a bit of fun

Drugs covered the feelings I had

Until I was left with none

Drugs became my best friend

And I gave them all of me

I lost who I was to them

And reality I didn’t see

I tried being abstinent

But gave up far too soon

The thought of not having drugs again

Left me an impending doom

I tried moderation

But that button broke

When I realised it wouldn’t work

I began to lose all hope

I relapsed far too often

Going round and round

I wondered why it was that way

So little clean time found

I would rather be by myself

I’d prefer to isolate

Sharing didn’t appeal to me

So my loneliness took shape

When I used, I had no choice

Recovery was a fight

Abstinence was impossible

Although I knew it was right

I didn’t know it’d come to this

‘Cause it had a good disguise

I couldn’t believe the aftermath

It took me by surprise

Clean and sober left me empty

And I didn’t know what to do

I wasn’t impressed with my life

Good days were far and few

Watching the clock by the minute

Time went so slow

I obsessed about feeling good

But instead I felt so low

I hated the world and everyone

And I blamed everyone else

It wasn’t fair that I couldn’t use

And I didn’t like myself

I missed the familiar feeling

And was angry there was no more

I was sad I had to let it go

I wondered what the point was for

Then I was just an empty shell

And I didn’t know how to cope

I hadn’t a clue who I was

And there seemed to be no hope

Hour by hour I hung on

Life sucked but I didn’t us

My mind told me ‘just have one’

But I knew what I would lose

I knew my mind told me lies

I’d heard it all before

There’s no such thing as only one

All I want is more

Eventually I was clean one day

And wondered if it was luck

I wasn’t sure if I could do it again

It almost felt too much

Each day was a constant fight

I had within myself

I was coughing up black shit

And I felt worse than I’d ever felt

When I ventured into NA

I thought that they were nuts

I thought they were religious

And probably were corrupt

My future life I couldn’t see

At least not really well

They promised me it did get better

But they didn’t live in hell

They told me ‘take it day by day’

One day at a time

I found it went by hours

Because daily was a grind

I struggled on everyday

Until I was clean a week

I was so proud of myself

It was a monumental feat

My head was scattered; I couldn’t think straight

I thought that I was mad

They smiled and said ‘keep coming back’

And I wanted what they had

I became self-critical

How hard I didn’t see

Nobody else could change my thoughts

It had to come from me

I felt anger and a grief

That consumed my soul

Living on life’s terms

Was never a conscious goal

Weeks turned into months

Ninety days I was clean

But I forgot how bad it was

How bad that it had been

I knew enough to tell myself

That I couldn’t have one

It felt so intently final

And I thought I’d have no fun

Around that time it did get better

The fog started to clear

The compulsion to use diminished

Though it was always near

Throughout the months I often thought

‘Something’ would be nice

My love of drugs still existed

And I was looking for a vice

I go to meetings consistently

I find they actually help

I feel a sense of belonging

And I feel better about myself

My friends are in recovery

It has to be that way

I try to keep in touch with them

At least every second day

My black and white thinking

Changed to a grey

My all or nothing thoughts

I didn’t want to stay

Twelve months was up and I celebrated

But only with a cake

Having a party seemed strange

In a clean and sober state

I swapped my addiction

Because it comes in different forms

I didn’t understand why I did

But they told me ‘it’s the norm’

My head still wants me using

To take away the pain

But I know by staying off the drugs

There’ll be more that I can gain

The obsession I don’t have anymore

Although I’d still like to use

But I can’t use socially

I can’t help but abuse

When I think of giving up

I remember from where I’ve come

To go back to where I was

Would be really dumb

I have to be vigilant

With what I think and do

It’s now become a way of life

Although relatively new

I keep watching carefully

And I need to keep a plan

A cunning and baffling disease

Will seep out where it can

Now I’m over three years clean

Life has its ups and downs

Although I admit it’s much better

Than going round and round

My addictions still alive and well

It pops up now and then

It only takes a trigger

But I don’t know where or when

No one says it’s easy

They’re lying if they do

If they don’t suffer with addiction

Then they haven’t got a clue

Now I know how it works

I know it’s a sneaky game

If I go back to use again

I only have me to blame

I can’t speak for anyone else

But NA works for me

I keep going to arrest the disease

And set the madness free

Living now one day at a time

There’s a hope that I can see

It doesn’t matter who I was

I’m who I’m meant to be

September 2012

@REDLINEZ750

Thanks for the tags @REDLINEZ750 @heartathome

I love the poetry and the courage of you both doing the journey.

Hey @MissGremlin @Bunniekins @TAB

..I'm no Poet ..and I know it .. ha ha lol @Appleblossom 😎