Hi

@Tryingtobenough Hi friend good seeing you here around and hoping you find the right people to support you through this time.

Depression is no fun to have to deal with and neither are marriage troubles. i've been through those two as well, although no siblings trouble for me. We always got on fine.

The short answer to your issues i know to be is hold onto to love with all you got. While the long answer is cultivating love needs the right environment as well as takes time to grow in place.

So survival strategies are essential to be put in place.

Peace.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tg8g4Va3qUo&list=RDTg8g4Va3qUo&start_radio=1

hey @Tryingtobenough welcome to the forums!!

thank you for reaching out, we're glad to have you here. i'm not married myself, but i have had my fair share of sibling drama. are you and your brother [edited] close? have you gotten support for your depression before?

tagging a few members here @Dimity @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Dark_Olena @Ruby61 @Stuart9726 @JBG @Strider1981

p.s. i've edited out your name from your post (this is due to our anonymity guideline, we avoid sharing parts of real name including nicknames/social media names, etc., to help keep your identity safe - hope that makes sense 💙)

I dont have any sisters, i have a brother. No i havent seek for any help. Usually i try fixing things myself but only to make it worse. My brother always fabricates an issue against me using my dad. I also feel like my wife doesnt love me, she makes me feel like im not enough, and also she loves her friends more than me. Maybe im wrong i dont know

oops for some reason i read sibling as sister in my head! @Tryingtobenough

oh that's tough. is there a reason why he doesn't like you 'using dad'? did you and your brother get along well in the past?

it sucks to hear that you don't feel the love. have you told her this before? i'm also wondering, what makes you feel like she loves her friends more than you? i ask because i've recently realised that the way i show/receive love is different to how my family shows/receives it, and i'm wondering if it's similar for you or not.

i know it can be hard reaching out, especially when we're used to solving things on our own. it shows a lot of strength.

@Tryingtobenough

Hi, sorry to hear you are having sibling dramas as well as worries with your marital relationship. This sounds complicated and even more so when you factor in depression as well. Is there any self-care strategies you could employ to help comfort yourself?

Hey @Tryingtobenough

Thanks for the tag @rav3n

Really glad you reached out. It takes guts to write something like that, especially when you’re already feeling worn down. I’ve been in similar spots myself, where family stuff piles up and you feel like you’ve got to carry it all on your own. It gets heavy fast.

What you said about your brother hits hard. When it’s your own family causing dramas, it cuts deeper than anything a stranger could do. And feeling like your wife doesn’t love you or that you’re not enough, mate, that’s a horrible place to sit with. I’m not doubting your feelings at all. They’re real. When something hurts, it hurts, and you don’t need anyone telling you that you’re “overthinking it.”

There’s something I wanted to share that helped me a while back. People give and receive love in different ways. Bit like speaking different languages. You might be speaking French and your wife might be speaking German, so even though you’re both trying, the messages get scrambled.

Some people show love through time together. Some through talking. Some through helping with things. Some through small gestures. If her way of showing love doesn’t match the way you naturally feel loved, it can leave you thinking she doesn’t care, even when she might be trying in her own way. And the same goes the other direction. You might be giving love in your own language, but she’s listening for something different.

It doesn’t magically fix everything, but sometimes understanding that mismatch takes some pressure off. It gives you a bit of clarity instead of assuming the worst.

You don’t have to figure all this out alone. Talking here is a good start, and people get what it’s like to feel pulled in five different directions at once. Whenever you feel ready, you can share more at your own pace.

You deserve support. And you’re definitely not alone here, also here if you just need to vent mate. You got this brother.

@Tryingtobenough welcome to the forum. Glad some members have already responded.

I really relate to your profile name. Big Time.

Depression can be hard, but also there are layers and levels and times when feeling low energy, or melancholy are the appropriate response to situations. We all learn to regulate up and down, as fits with our moment-by-moment experiences.

A long time ago, 30 years, I was introduced to the concept of GOOD ENOUGH parenting by Winnicott. It is fundamental to my survival. It needn't only apply to parenting but all of life ... another concept I follow, is due diligence ... so I put in the work ... but the issues of other people's expectations and demands are often, actually, their problem. All the different interpersonal situations need teasing out, but you have the right to have some sense of self respect, dignity and sense of being good enuff. I deliberately misspell it ... lol ... as I am a bit against ... all the 100% ... and/or ////purrrfect .... BS that is current fashion in colloquial talk. Please people find a bit of nuance!

Also within Family Therapy approaches, is a concept or "identified patient".

So can you see that I am not overly into unnecessary pathologising of behaviours. It is understood that family dynamics are complex, and some families do practice avoidant behaviours where they transfer some of their issues onto one member ... identified as the one with the problem, so they dont have to reflect and work on themselves. Eg competitiveness, lack of honesty about past, fair inclusion and respect .... etc

The forum can be good, reaching out in both ... lighter social ways ... to meet people ... or sharing the deeper stuff.

Finally, I am witnessing some really good male behaviours, online and in real life, where men are beginning to learn to process their feelings and give good loyal ethical support to each other in a spirit of mateship. Not that we haven't always had a good tradition of mateship, but the working through FEELINGS, for men, is becoming more common.

btw ... I am supposedly female, haha, gave birth twice, but also identify as a tomboy.

Anyway cheers

Apple

trying to maintain my running routine on most days each week [edited by moderator], thats the only activity that is keeping mental health stable for now

Thank you so much, that gives some clarity on my situation with my wife. Her love language might be different. But the other things that she does that hurts me is when it comes to her friends. When her friends show up or contact her i get easily taken for granted.

@Tryingtobenough

Well done for reaching out in a safe place.

Depression is such a hard condition.

I was your age when it hit me the hardest.

I still to this day never feel enough. Slowly working on that.

I started walking up the hill out the back as much as I could when I had childcare and inbetween work. Usually it would be 9 or 10am and hot as Hades! But it made me feel in control. All I had to do was one foot in front of the other, no one but me pushing or pulling.

I'm not saying anything about your health status but...I wish someone had told me about the hormone hell in store for me in my 40s. Take supplements now!

Listening to dance or good music helped me too. I makes me feel less alone when lyrics ring true with my own situation and feelings.

Take time to sit with your feelings. Disappointment, loneliness, frustration, whatever. Name it. Then challenge it. Justify it. Be honest with it.

I research my issues. Sometimes I find things that scare me a bit. Make me feel defective.

Feelings are just feelings though. Name them. Then tell them to go shut up and sit in the back seat because you are enough and you are beautiful and interesting and amazing.

I don't always have the right things to say but...I find in these forums, it helps me clarify my position and my own issues when seeking to help others.

Take care. Breathe.