alone where family should have been finds siblings known but never seen

you never change your colours @MissGremlin

i hope tagging you when im on posts is seen as thin king about you

how is casper growing?

@REDLINEZ750 i always love seeing tags come up from you ☺️.

Casper is soon to turn 1, he's basically fully grown now and he's such a good boy.

@REDLINEZ750 always welcome to tag me, no need to think about what else may be going on for me. If im able to read and reply i will, and if im not able to then thats also ok and i wont. 🥰. It is safe to tag me either way.

I am SO PROUD of you!

1. For returning when you realised how you were thinking and feeling and the risks of relapsing into usage. Wow!!! Amazing insight and strength!

2. For recognising and talking to them about how things in group triggered you and lead you to not attend. 🥰. I am glad they are working WITH you on this, and whilst they may not fully understand how hard it is and that head knowledge doesnt translate to emotion in this case, their training has hopefully helped them understand this happened esp with PTSD and ypu wont have been the first for them to have triggers that are making certain parts of the program harder to engage in. I hope they can help provide extra support during those group sessions, which may even include you being allowed the room to leave and talk to someone when triggered?

I am so proud of you.

Thank you for sharing! @REDLINEZ750 You've got a lot going on at the moment! I wish I could make the boy feel safer so you could feel more settled. Thinking of you! I'm here for you! 💜

connections slow, thank you for your words @AlwaysMyself

i think it helped me having a team of psychologists and a psychiatrist advize them not to put me in any environment that triggers me or causes me to feel not safe

otherwise it jusy looks like someone throwing off trying gegt away with stuff to them i spose

@REDLINEZ750 I am not sure exactly what triggered you, or made you feel unsafe. You said it was something physical. Did your mood shift? It wasn't people in the group?

I do hope you get through the med dosages issues. Do you have a lot of commitments in the next few days, or can you take it alittle easy?

I think it was great you did the rehab, and worked with them on their program and requirements. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

I felt a lot of unsafeness today so I have some idea. Somehow I got across town and back through busy traffic. I am also somewhat divided into a vulnerable and carer part. Trying to integrate it, but how. I try and accept and allow, and notice and gently move through.

The bike in the garage looks well loved and used, in a good way.

@Chasingsunsets @MissGremlin @AlwaysMyself @heartathome

hey there @Appleblossom ,

it was comments made by participants trying to give me parental skills when they were carrying on about wanting to ne dads not unallowed to use word donors so i replied i just told my kids to f off what that make me?

well, that's the difference one said i don't want to be a unallowed to use word donor and then a number of others jumped in with pure shock and horror. I'd never talk to my kids like that etc etc etc

i said I'm not talking about the cute kid you got at home that's only known you 1 yr of its 3 yrs on earth coz you been in jail last 2 my kids 1-yrs older than the facilitator running the meeting and used my grandkids for emotional blackmail and it hurt so i made the boundary clear you're not using my love as a weapon against me coz i don't drop my plans to build your fence when you want it done on a certain day and part of me that has been in a box many years shifted and the lid started to open so i left before i took it where they weren't ready for but it triggered that thing inside me that made not just the ignorant people but the whole room itself feel unsafe and the facilitator clearly missed the signs of how close i was to walking toward the mouths instead of away.

no matter how strongly i told myself I'm an idiot for letting idiots get into me like that or they just had no idea my grandkids are older than their kids my body stored a reaction to judgement and being bullied to the point that going back and letting it slide almost put bile in my throat it wasn't safe because of my trauma response had been triggered not because i was afraid of any of them.

my case worker and facility manager put me up into the next level of the programme so i could stay as a participant and next Monday the whole programme splits into two sites, 1 will be for people paying to be there by choice the other will be people trying to do easier jail and placed in the programme by drug court magistrates. some of whom are serious about change too but most who just want to get back out and do same thing.

when that move happens i go back to very first phase of programme again and if i keep abstinence and finish the whole 3 months they are going to help me transition to WA for a further programme that will help me with housing and support networks as i have never been there before and that's why i want to go there.

I'm glad you made it back across town @Appleblossom and i hope you have found the middle ground between vulnerable and carer as both alone are taxing at times and combined can just be overwhelming and overload our senses to where we forget the self-care and kindness, we are also so worthy off.

yes, you have a keen eye to match that lived experience and highly educated mind i respect so much.

it's a storage shed i moved out of where i was staying and it saves me near 700 a month to do so although I'm again homeless but at least i have a fixed address for next 3 months I'm residential rehab and if WA is where I'm being pulled as it feels i can sort it out once learn where the good lord wants me to land.

sorry for late reply to your responses will never go unanswered even if i don't respond in a timely manner.

i hope you get this message @Appleblossom

know you are valued by an anonymous

@REDLINEZ750

It was good to receive your open and honest reply. Family context means a lot, and frustrations build in different ways, but in many of my conversations, with people in all walks of life, I am hearing many families are fragmenting. Lots of people in our generation are squeezed out of extended families and manipulated. Somehow the pressures to be perfect, make it harder on everybody. There just aint such a critter. It helps nobody to pretend. We need to find more accepting, tolerant ways of communicating, which includes being able to express some genuine frustrations. However expectations these days may be out of kilter with what is even possible...

I am glad you have a roof over you head in the longer program, and hope a more permanent option opens up.

So, I am getting the gist of the other members of the rehab. It makes sense, that it is a broad spectrum, as they are all human, but definitely a CHALLENGE to get a good mutually beneficial group culture going.... with a broad range of concerns.

I have been reflecting on group therapy a bit lately. Even on how things play out here on the forums, as it is a kind of group. It can actually be good that the forum allows more latitude with time and responses, so dont worry. I used to log on most days but I am going to pull back a bit, and check in every few days.

Yes, it can also take a lot of forbearance, dealing with much younger facilitators, who are often frankly out of their depth, but often unaware of it. It takes energy from the participants, and strongly limits the so called help supposedly on offer. They make obvious suggestions, we may have thought of and tried to implement, 10 years before some of them were even born. They may feel good in giving the advice, and we are not heard, not helped and wearily try to keep within decent boundaries. Dont let it get you down. (Take your own advice apple!)

https://youtube.com/shorts/xddRz8x1HUQ?si=sm3eMwH8LVsKbH_6

this tickles my funny bone...

anyway, take care, keep following the path that brings out the best in you.

@MissGremlin @AlwaysMyself @heartathome @Chasingsunsets

Thanks for the tag @Appleblossom

Yes, it can also take a lot of forbearance, dealing with much younger facilitators, who are often frankly out of their depth, but often unaware of it.

I agree with this! I recently stopped seeing a counsellor because she was inexperienced and only told me what I already knew. I've probably done the same studying she has. It was frustrating. I think I'd rather speak to someone with a lived experience next time. 💜

Hello, my beautiful friend @REDLINEZ750

Thanks for keeping us updated and sharing so openly! Thinking of you and sending you hugs, love and this, the first GIF image that came up! Don't ask me why I'm posting it. I'm weird! 😀💜 

@heartathome @Appleblossom @AlwaysMyself @MissGremlin @Bunniekins @Chasingsunsets @ENKELI @creative_writer @StuF

@TAB @rav3n @tyme

https://youtu.be/8WPBDgFK_gs?si=z7hwUgYlnKZ7i1jk