Narcissistic abuse

Firstly, welcome to the forums @Chosen1 ,

I'm sorry to hear how hard things have been for you. I can see why you are reaching out. It takes a lot of courage and strength to do so.

What sort of supports do you have for yourself and your children now? Are you children school age?

@Chosen1 healing is hard. i think many of us feel the same, and this isn't something we can "fix" although ppl step in and try and say they have the answers or a direction to point us into.

healing hurts. we also often hold onto relationships from when we're young - i think many ppl marry someone they know from when they are young - makes sense as your world is being shaped and feelings are so strong then.
In terms of rebuilding, and healing, i feel like its 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I thought i was healed and then more abusers entered the scene. They prey and smell the wound. I have become very selective, set boundaries, and worked to look at how i feel with someone - not to fawn or give them what they need to feel good about themselves, but to give myself what i need - space, self-care, and my own boundaries.
Still, bad ppl come sometimes. Its 2 steps forward one step back. I hope you and your children are safe and okay tonight. Relate to the wide-ranging psychological damage. I also have cptsd and feel its very misunderstood or assumed to be other things.

Hey there @Chosen1 good on you for noticing the "sinking ship" situation and getting yourself and the kids out of there. Literally this is "the beginning of the rest of your life" with the continuation of your old one, and the loss of your old life too, merging into something new and different that may not be clear to see at this point. Are you getting the situation where you finally have a break from the old situation so your brain/body is throwing up all the memories? That can definitely happen.

I agree that healing and recovery is hard if not harder than riding along on the sinking ship. "those people" live in a storm of chaos and problems, those of us close to them catch the problems and attitudes then need to solve problems and rebalance perspective after being around a strong influence or controlling person.

Have you got a dream board going on? Something that just helps you literally see and remember 'the dream life' you were hoping for. For a long time in my own life, I was hoping just to "not do certain things and do other certain things" which involved throwing away addiction and self destruction to "become stable and normal". Like filling a hole or panel beating a car, it was boring, frustrating and very difficult to get through that first phase of "undoing damage and learning better life skills".

From there I could "add stuff into life that's actually positive, not just undoing negative"...to try to depict it:

(messed up life)<-----(repairing damage)----->||NORMAL/STABLE||<-------(adding better stuff in and seeing what works)---------->(better life)

After 15 years of serious recovery thats how I have come to see it. I recall it was very scary to recognise all the damage done by others and self inflicted, then to address that, then to grow from there. But, I look back on my life in wonder now and I think, wow it took a lot of effort to build a dam to stop self destruction, but once I did that it was pretty self-perpetuating to get the rebuilding phase together.

Do you have good physical and emotional supports? Are you in touch with counselling type relationship who can help you with the hard stuff and push you towards the better stuff? Have you taken stock of what you "lost" and what you need to get back? Self respect, self esteem, peace of mind etc.

Be careful you may find yourself VERY angry at the abuser/non-responsibility-taker and you might find when they're gone you are stuck with a lot of anger/sadness that is hard to shift. It is very important to get this anger and grief out of your system, it's your body screaming out what was wrong all that time and it NEEDS to come out by expression, movement, fully feeling the emotions/pain and resolving those into strength and meaning.

All the best, yourself and hopefully your three kids will thank you for making the effort. My Mum didn't leave my dad til it was too late, and I feel sad for her she lost so many years. In order to keep her dominance over my brothers, she didn't resolve the bad behaviour and disrespect that keeps them enmeshed in abusive relationships with men. She is now in her mid 60s and still having daily fights with her own children which give her a sense of power and control. But she is desperately unhappy in her interior.

What I am trying to say there is dont compromise and don't lower your goals and standards after you have gone through this pain it's a brand new chapter ahead to truly write the next chapter of life, and make all the sacrifice worth it by setting yourself up for a much better future WITHOUT the nasty things that dragged you back the first time, and I don't want to be a downer but sometimes the kids choose the easy way that was demonstrated by the less responsible parent. I did that for some time and then I realised that I wanted to rewrite life from the ground up which was doing everything the hard way but also never going back down a rabbithole of opening myself up to familiar pains and frustrating circumstances which came from staying in the familiar chaos and no wonder I had familiar problems in my life.

Last but not least congratulations and good luck, in this time suck up every resource that helps you move forward, reconcile the facts of the past, and things that let you cling on to hope for the future too.

hi @Sugarshack well put regarding anger and the healing process

there is post-traumatic growth - a well of life and healing after abuse

i got very stuck in anger because whenn i had a very traumatic time and unfortunately also it led me to the worst possible place - the ppl around me could not support me - could not hold it - but through this pain i've learnt to be so careful who i entrust to look out for me - you get a better radar, over time, although it always hurts to be close in any way to someone abusive.

keep learning and growing through the pain @Sugarshack @Chosen1

Hey there @EternalFlower yep I have lost my whole family because they have taken the path of abuse but, it hurts so much...mentally, physically, spiritually to be involved in constant fighting, degradation and competition against family and friends. It can be hard to truly believe in "the new way" but I try to think of who I was back in school, always wishing for a better life and now I have one and doors have opened, opportunities have knocked and I am grateful for my own efforts.

It sounds a bit mean but I look back to my family, and recently I visited my hometown area and saw some people who would be me if I hadnt changed my ways and I did look at them and think, I might have some doubts and gaps in my own life now but at least I am not stuck in the dogpile anymore...those people walk with a stone on their backs and I am fairly happy with my life, and know where I want to steer it which is further away from various ruts I have been involved with by choice and by circumstance. All the best, keep looking forward and developing healthy relationships with yourself and others around you.