Struggles in caring for a partner

Hello and welcome back @TeaPositive

Thank you for your update and sitting with you my friend 🧡

@AuntGlow

Hello @TeaPositive,

Thank you so much for sharing this with us, and thank you for the tag @Shaz51. I can really relate to this story. 🥰

As someone who works in mental health, I truly understand how challenging it can be to hold space for your own inner life, the people you love, and your clients. It's genuinely so much to carry, and based on what you have shared, I think that you're doing a beautiful job of being there for your partner alongside everything else you're managing.

I am sure you have all the tools to support him/safety plan, which is really positive! What I am hearing is that you're needing lots of TLC too, and honestly, I think that's so understandable. I can imagine there would be even more pressure on you to show up in a certain way due to your training and a feeling of falling short when your very human emotions/reactions naturally come into play. I don't think you're selfish at all for missing him when he goes quiet and withdraws (my partner does this when he is overwhelmed too and due to my anxiety/abandonment stuff, I can also find it very dysregulating). What do you think you need most in those moments?

Overall, it seems like you're there for everyone else at the moment and that you're just really needing someone to be there for you right now.

I am wondering, if you could have any support, what might that look like? 💛

Thank you for the beautiful empathy @AuntGlow and also for everyone who's replied and shared hearts 💕

Yesterday and today have been the hardest as my partner has slid further downhill and secretly hiding that he's been struggling with some risky coping tools [edited by moderator] (I am onto monitoring him, have the local mental health service number close by, and also taken the day off work so we can take things hour-by-hour). The two of us have never navigated this before as usual coping strategies have usually been a day in bed watching movies together, distractions, or just a verbal acknowledgment that things are rough.

In the moments of dysregulation I am trying to stop and notice my thinking, using my own professional skills to talk myself through, and allow emotions to run through me. I think the hardest part of the last few days is the rapid decline in my partner, myself not knowing if or when to escalate to a mental health assessment team, and sitting with the dread of this now being outside my area of expertise.

In answer to the question of if I could have support what that might that look like:
- once this crisis is over I would like to have a sit-down with my partner and his current psychologist so we can develop a future safety plan for if or when this happens again;

- I think I am needing support from someone with medical and mental health expertise so I can navigate my partner's current medication use; and

- support right now would also be time off work without the financial strain of loosing my pay.

Thank you all again for your replies - I honestly did not expect anything and your kindness with these simple acknowledgments have been a balm.

Thank you for sharing, I feel a bit less alone after reading. I too work in a similar field and find it triggering seeing similar things present in my parter of 7 years. I'm struggling to express my own needs in our relationship without feeling guilty or worry about adding to his mental load. Add to the mix an active 5 yo child and I'm struggling with burnout. How do you find balance? I find a bit of peace with yoga and meditation though it's hard sometimes.

@KFay , @TeaPositive , @pete777 , @AuntGlow , @tyme

Here is a link to click on to

Coping Toolbox ( what is in yours to help you cope )

I am also a carer and a wife even though my husband says he does not need a carer , am also step mum to 4 adult children now

Good evening @TeaPositive

Just checking in - how are things going at home this week? 💖

It must have been really overwhelming to learn that your partner has been coping in some risky ways... I know you are equipped to manage moments like this, but it's always more vulnerable when it's a loved one. I can hear you are doing everything you can to keep yourself regulated and to monitor the situation closely... it would be a lot to hold. Know that we are here with you and you can stop by and let us know how you're feeling at any point, okay?

I think working towards a future safety plan is a really good idea... have you been able to talk to work about time off at all?

Looking forward to chatting more soon. 🫶

Hi @KFay lovely to hear from you and how you felt a bit less alone after reading my post. Isn't it a struggle to express our own needs in relationship without feeling guilty or worry about adding to our partner's mental load!? I don't have a child to add to the mix though, but find a dog and cat enough for me. I am finding balance through dog walks, sticking my nose into a good book, and trying to get back into some kind of routine. I feel guilty even doing yoga or meditation alone 😫

Hi @TeaPositiveI love a good book too!

I've also started (maybe 3 weeks now) setting a timer for 60 minutes and doing a house clean/reset on the Friday night. I find setting a timer keeps me moving and I get it done faster, also frees up the weekend a bit. Works for me anyway 🙂

Thank you for checking in @AuntGlow Things at home are finally quietening down. It has been really overwhelming, and also shaken my trust when I learnt that my partner has been coping in some risky ways. Despite being equipped to manage moments like this, it is a whole other ball game when it's someone you love. I am grateful for the support of this community, my partner's psychologist who was willing to talk with me, the hospital and mental health team. My partner is now away for a while in an inpatient program, I have some space to breath and some time to regulate again. I will be working towards a future safety plan/agreement that my partner and I can use for any future events like this. As for work, I am not comfortable in disclosing and do not feel supported. I will however get myself some external support through counselling as I can recognize that I may need it.