A song that describes your current emotional state TW

@TAB I was hoping I got that right and you followed the Power. Lol

..I dont mention it much on here @Mustang67 guess you follow them ?

@TAB no I don't. I don't really follow an AFL team, as I follow the Penrith Panthers in the NRL. I used to be a member of the Sydney Swans when my girlfriend's brother played for them a while a go.

fair enough @Mustang67

Dear @Mustang67

yes Yes and yes. Have you met my cherub friends @Bunniekins @SmilingGecko @Glisten @ENKELI ?

@plasmo is my fellow MAFS watcher sorry @plasmo i so believe in honesty so I’ll admit to being addicted to another shocking show - Homeand Away.
@TAB abd I think @Jacques knows I watch it well they know now ……

Thank you so much for your message. It really helps to know someone else understands. I hear what you’re saying about the antidepressants; 24 years is a long time, but if they help you think clearer, that is what matters. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about what you need to survive.

I really felt it when you talked about your partner. Realizing that fairytale was actually control and abuse is such a heavy, angry grief. I’ve had a similar unmasking with my mother. Over 40 years ago, after I was hit by a car, I came home to find she had cleaned out my room and thrown away every single piece of clothing I actually liked. I told myself then, i can get through this, but now, with my husband’s support, I see the depravity in it—to hurt your child when they are already broken.

You mentioned your mum calling your partner by your ex's name. It’s funny you say that, because I do something similar—I call my husband Peanut, but I also find myself calling him my ex’s name fairly regularly, and even my brother's name just today! It’s like the brain gets wires crossed when we’ve carried so much stress for so long.

Regarding the shaking: for me, it started when I was 16. It is definitely the stress. Even dropping a dressmakers pin on the floor can trigger it today. Please don't be embarrassed at the shops. I walk around feeling extremely vulnerable too, but guess what? I am a survivor.

and so are you. And my darling wonderful friends here. @TAB @ENKELI @Glisten @Cuddlebear etc etc @AlwaysMyself @DownMoreThanUp etc etc sorry forgot your name …..

I’m glad we can be "in bed" together on this forum and not feel so alone in it. Enjoy your book and I hope you get that early night.

@PeppyPatti ⛪️🧹🐕🍀❤️🕷️

Thank you, @AuntGlow In many ways, my journey is no different than many others—we all find our own ways to survive.

Actually I hold my family here on Sane forums with such importance.

Growing up in an academic family in Perth, I was surrounded by prominent theories about my mother, but the experts never saw me - I cleaned houses, I had 2 children but happy to not see. Actually I remember one saying ‘ her youngest was so broken until he was 9 then she became a good mother.

what these people didn’t know was his neurologist told him and me that he was going to start cancer treatment as a teenager and at 9 the problem resolved itself.
My family is the same as many others. My situation is very usual.

Because of a head injury and overwhelming empathy, I had to be very intentional with my boundaries. Focusing my care on my second ex-husband, who has schizophrenia, was a strategic choice to avoid being destitute or filled with 'sorry cases.' I’m fortunate my husband cares for him, too.

The real 'win' came last week. I realized I had been seeing my therapist for so many years that we had both grown old together. I felt a deep, persistent dislike for her for years but I always felt I was too stupid to not go. Weird hey. …. yet I felt um …… propelled to keep going. I finally realized it was transference. I was projecting the old mother onto her. In my eyes. All these intellectual words all these intellectual diagnoses mean nothing unless you can actually feel them

Seeing that truth was like a tonne of bricks. It’s a heavy, solitary realization to admit the love simply wasn't there from my mother. But being 'correct' about it—and finally seeing the therapist for who she is, not who I wanted her to be—is a relief. Im guessing even though my husband and I bicker like all the time it’s safe. safe harbor has finally allowed me to look forward.

Freud once said the goal of therapy is to move from neurotic misery to common unhappiness. That’s me. It’s a heavy, solitary truth to admit the love wasn't there, but being 'correct' about it is finally a relief. Having husband safety means I can finally stop being 'the problem' and just be myself. 💛

Thank you for your beautiful response @PeppyPatti It has put me in an up lifted mindset to read my book and hopefully drip off to sleep.

We don't have a TV in the caravan, and it is probably just as well, because if we turn too many things on at once, it trips the power cord that has a built-in safety switch. If the air conditioner is on, and we have our mobile phones on charge, we can't do much else. My partner went to make me a coffee today and it tripped the switch. So, we had to turn the chargers off to use the coffee machine. But where I was headed with all this is that I don't watch any reality shows, as I hate conflict and there always seems to be some sort of conflict going on with these sorts of shows. And as far as Home and Away, I haven't watched that since I was a teenager, I think. My mum still watches it religiously and we are not allowed to disturb her while the show is on.

I remember my partner telling me that when he was in jail, they all watched it in the common room. So you have all these big burly tough blokes all sitting down watching Home and Away. It obviously appeals to a wide range of different types of people. I just can't believe how long some of the actors have been on the show for.

It's funny that when I am talking to my mum about my partner, I also have called him by my ex's name. We both think it's because the ex and I hired a caravan for 1 year and lived at mum & dad's place, in the exact same spot as we are now, while we saved for a deposit to build our dream home. So, it is obviously bringing back memories for the both of us. That caravan back then was a lot older, but it was bigger than the one I am currently in.

I have a BeeTV app on my phone and I can access most TV shows and Movies on there, so I just watch shows on my phone with it hooked up to my Bluetooth speaker, or I read, or go inside and see my mum for a bit and then have a cuddle with my beautiful cat. Lately every time she sees me heading towards her, she gives me a little meow, as if she is saying hello.

Your mother was definitely very hurtful person. Does she have any sort of mental illness that you are aware of or is she just a nasty piece of work. I can't believe she cleaned out your room and threw away every single piece of clothing that you liked. It is bad enough doing that by itself, but doing it after you were hit by a car, and then coming home to find what she had done. That is just downright cruel. I am so sorry you had to be raised by a mother like that. It would have been very tough for you as a child, or didn't you know any better at the time?

And you are correct PeppyPatti, we are both survivors and eventually we will get through this and be so much stronger for it.

Oh yeah, what sort of dog is peanut?

I am off to bed now. Enjoy the rest of your night and thank you so much for the chat xx

Hey @Mustang67 ,

I read ypur post the other week re: meds but didnt comment as oi was a few days (a week?) behind and others already had. But since it's come up again briefly mentioned, i hope its OK to add a few supportive comments?

Firstly, medications are always invididual choice. And individuals body respond differently too! I dont believe there is a universal "right and wrong" - Just trying to do what works best for yourself 😊.

I am really glad that medication overall seems to help you and that it makes life better longterm to be on them longterm. It is a shame there are some side effects (not uncommon) and its always a matter of weighing up the benefits vs negative-impacts (disbenefits) - and only you can do that for yourself 😊. And hopefully the doctors can help advise on what the options are for either treating the side effects or whether there is another antidepressant they would recommend that might have the same benefits but without the disbenefits.

My experience has been less common with medication. I didnt get most of the "normal" physical side effects, but i did get a number of common psychological negative side effects - but my doctors (incl psychiatrist) never explained these to me or monitored for them so i had no idea. The medication also never improved my mood - and the doctors decided after my 3rd one to just keep me on it longterm because "it was the best option" (due to comorbidities and some slightly improvement in what i now know to be adhd symptoms). But those 15-20 years of medication-induced emotional-blunting have been debhilitating; and i say this because of the difference in emotional range since ceasing them this year. But its also how i now know that the medication was treating then-undiagnosed adhd effectively 🤣 -- but perhaps thats also been a negative because the adhd was never picked up on? And depression was never considered as a sign of possible high-masking autism either (until this year by a doctor; 1-2 years ago by myself).

So for me, because my medication was never properly reviewed/monitored by doctors *and* the doctors never looked further than the stereotypical models of mental health, my medication experience has been harmful. (I have also had other minor physical negative effects of the medication such as weight gain, increased insulin resistence/production, etc - making my comorbid health conditions harder to manage, but not insurmountable). But i dont believe medication in itself is harmful. And i do believe it has a valid place for many people in conjunction with psychology treatment, and that it may be short-term or long-term needs. 😊 i can see that my personal experience is not 100% fault of medication (doctors could have done better) and that its also OK that medications didnt improve my core depression either. That just means anti-d's may not be right *for me*, whilst they still are for others like yourself 😊🥰🤗. And im glad medication helps many people!

@AlwaysMyself thank you for sharing that with me. I can see that your doctors have let you down a lot over the years, and that must be very frustrating for you, especially when issues have gone undiagnosed and not correctly treated. I think I am on my 5th different antid's and while I feel ok on the current ones, I do feel that sometimes I just feel, I want to say numb, but I do still feel happiness from time to time especially when I am with my daughter. But most of the time it's just the same numb sort of feeling. Which in a way isn’t too bad, as I don't feel overly sad either. And considering I have just gone through being kicked out of the cabin my partner and I were living in and forced to rent a caravan as we couldn't get a rental in time, probably isn't a bad thing. On my previous meds I would have basically been staying in bed not socialising with anybody and just locking myself away. So at least I am not doing that. But what disappoints me the most is, I was put on a certain brand of antid's and I felt the best I had ever felt since my partner died 24 years ago. I felt like I had got the spring back in my step and I actually felt happy. But it only lasted a few months until for whatever reason they discontinued making that brand and I was put on the generic version. And that's when I felt like I had gone from this high, down to a very big low. It did not put me in very good place mentally. I am still on a generic version of the original medication, but just a different one now. So the big lows have gone, but so have the highs. As I said before, most of the time I just feel numb.

When I saw a support worker a while back she was telling me that her depression masked the fact that she had ADHA, and after a few sessions we realised that we were very similar, and she seems to think that it is very possible that I have it as well. But I haven't looked into it further.

Are you on any medication for your ADHA? And if so, has it helped/harmed your depression side of things.

And I didn't realise that depression was considered as a sign of possible high-masking autism. Wow, you certainly must have been surprised when diagnosed. Do you feel that you are correctly diagnosed now and on the correct medications for your conditions?

I really feel you, with all the suffering you must have gone through being incorrectly diagnosed for all those years and not having the correct support systems in place. I truly hope that now your are correctly diagnosed and hopefully medicated, and that your life quality is better than it was, and you now have the correct support that you require.

@PeppyPatti hey PeppyPatti how are you this fine tuesday 😄 . my support button isnt working for the first time in ages so here is a support bunny and bird for you.xxx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBY_t62c2XI