thanks @heartathome you really are valued part of my days now and yeah i dont have to feel like you dont see me just my words now.
my mum was like yours when i said something about her brother too, along the lines of its happened to her with my aunty its ok type thing.
i remember thinking its a bit different left it at that and didnt bother telling her about nieghbour or camp leader just knew adults lie and none care and stopped listening to them which landed me in a foriegn country, ironic how age didnt protect me from them then but protects them from me now.
its bullshit that you felt safer on the streets as a 16yr old girl in Sydney than with family, your a survivor and im grateful you are because i enjoy your conversation also all be it mostly me not giving you time to say much at all recently 😋
my youngest is 22 oldest in thirties. i can forgive him for his involvement in what went on.
to protect him i stay away so he doesnt get caught up in siblings getting nose put out or doubling down on slander hes been through enough.
i tried keep post short , i hope not to come across as poor me or they are bad im good,
thats just the skux of what happened, and hoping to show why is not a lack of or inability to love.
im not heartless like it would seem to read with no context at all
i thought was only love until last year
would butt hreads just boys testing metal once they got a bit size before taught size dont make you a man.
never swung on them, voice, eyes & standing firm was enough.
tput them first when needed if i had to cancel own plans id whinge and curse while doing what they needed but done it.
will always love them. they are adults and have thier own families now i wish them better success.
i told myself if i stick around earn enough and dont repeat what i didnt like done to me they shouldnt hate me. i done my best to be better for them and they let me know ill never be good enough
.i could never hate them & i learned lessons like yourself that werre never taught
i was on medication fo first time after being told to do something i said is too dangerous went wrong.
thats when they come at me and laugh at me for having anxiety.not believing i was feeling scared of everything. make sure i dont go country to sort myself out with only person trying care for me.
thats when they show me how easily they can weaponise my grandkids after they see an end to friendship older than them.
christmas and 50th not about the days so much its how they rang that bell deliberately with intent.
i learned to cut ties before 14i before love breaks me protect my heart.
saddest part is no i dont stutter and i dont annoyingly bounce my leg uncontrollably and my mind doesnt tilt as bad as it did on first meds.
it took 8 months till i was cleared to see psychiatrist and he instantly changged my medication which stopped all the visible reactions which i kept taking not knowing normal from never being medicated
ithi does increase my hypervigilance and instead of processing emotions id fixate and overwhelm on situations, rumenate what i would of shrugged off before.
treated like garbage bt those i love was never being shrugged off kindness aint weakness.
they didnt care i had a chance to heal with someone that was looking after me.
they poisened a friendship older than them by triggering her own mental health.
no word of a lie up to the time they deliberately used love as a weapon every phonecall ended with love you, love you too and every parting of ways in person was a quick hand on each others shoulder and cheek contacrt while love you last thing said and thats not exagerated.
truth is as a teenager i literally was alone, completely no more clearer descrioption i still had provisions though so nothing as harsh as street kids but even they have someone this time im not alone and truth is i forgot faith.
always had my bible right there in view, just consumed by the flesh and if not for hearing the sane ceo on a podcast and actually checkinng it out before forgetting i would not of found chasing sunsets thread and found the family that grew from the peoples acceptance on the thread.
i could of found an idiot started trouble speaking bad and would not of met you if iwe never crossed paths i would not of remembered scripture.
even then the dark had sway over me, i couldnt bring myself to open my bible when i tried thoughts of i would not of put it down if i had true faith or im not worthy for the choices i have made or not being a christian at all even afraid of acknowledging how stupid i had been made me fear openming it.
being on christian chat was more calling for me and you mentioning bible group i remebered apps so obcvious right downloaded my daily bread and the next few days every passage and post was relevant.
i was back to an open bible and realised i had lost years living for flesh and worldly desires in a blink of the eye.
i walsnt even aware i was lost in the wilderness until i prayed
praying each time his will be done not mine, thank him for his love and salvation.
i believe the shepherds led me back through it all i cant get hung up on the relapse after 8yrs abstinent.
its led me into 16weeks of residential rehab in a christian structured organisation where im being transformed not rehabilitated less than 3 weeks from assesment i have a bed over christmas?
i was told sometime next year. thank you lord praise be yours.
i have been scared about failure and wether they know im self medicating
i dont like what im doing i dont like the stigma it puts on me i dont like the effect, cost or health deprivation.
i noticed it detached my thoughts from my emotions and that immediate escape trumped reality.
how soon do l i have a flight response wnow im stopping,? am i going to be kicked out ?what about pooky ?wht if he looks for me gets hit lost or stolen? what about me without pooky? always there at night and waking me up in morning
today i open my phone app and with all these fears iand filling whole screen is Isaiah 43.2 i had to either read it or close it to get to my daily devotions i read it and its why i over write again sorry it really does make me believe in the power of prayer and faith.
how are you?
is the funeral near you or has partner headed off again for that?
are you attending also?
thank you for being my @heartathome friend
