Re: Poem

hi @heartathome

sorry i just responded on christian chat what looks like i already said here i apologise if im repeating im a bit behind and not quite with it at moment

i hope your well, i mentioned your camp over there too so wont do it again i will hopefully see where you post response and follow on from there my friend 😊

Just wanted to say goodnight before I drift off into sleep land @REDLINEZ750 💛

Missing you @REDLINEZ750 I hope you're okay! 💛

Where are you @REDLINEZ750 ? What's happening? Are you sad? Is Pooky okay?

im sorry my friend i got some big changes happening and been lost in the whole thing im a bit scared and being stoic on the surface, talking with you has got me back with God which is linked to it all and i am so sorry i got lost in time then i didnt know what to say because i missed how your glamping went then i felt bad and just my head then get negative like i dont deserve good people all i do is hurt them and i just got on because i have thought about you often and got all twisted till now i had clarity that im being selfish and i thought about you and realised i just want say hello i hope you had good experience on weekend im sorry i also dropped by quickly to bunniekins and i havent read anything im gooing now i hope to talk through day if i havent disrespected you too much i havent read anything just wanted to lsay hello i just realised how i would feel if you disapeared for days i missed my group on friday i was there couldnt get in tried chat here tried ringing got on hold i had said something on another thread night before i thought id get judged for and i dont care about being judged i care about how i react and getting in gtrouble on sane and then these changes i tilted my default is im bad and im in trouble and when i like people like you it hurts me when to think i made them angry so i make them angry by hiding vicious circle you shouldnt of been exposed to.

this is pookys why did you take helmet down and put leather jacket on face

im worried about seperated from him for months on top of it all

im sorry @heartathome i havent said hello sooner

psalm34;18

i missed you and i am sorry i caused anyone to worry

I am crying @REDLINEZ750 I'm just glad that you and Pooky are okay! Thanks for getting in touch! You're not being selfish! We have to do what we need to do to stay okay. You've obviously got a lot on your plate at the moment. I don't want you to feel you need to be stoic when you're on here with me. I've been thinking about you a lot and have been sad not to see you. I'm not angry. How can I be angry with you? I'm relieved! Why do you have to separate from Pooky? Can you tell me? I've missed you as well!!

Glamping was fun. It had a queen bed, side tables, a kitchenette and aircon. The only thing that was missing was a toilet. I found a small bucket that worked brilliantly throughout the night! 😆I liked having my privacy and got involved with what I wanted.

I gave my testimony to a young couple who asked me. My pastor asked if I would give my testimony in church. I said no. There is so much stuff, I wouldn't know where to start. I might try and write something out at a later stage.

Thanks again for getting in touch! 💛

im deeply sorry for wetting your cheeks when you only ever bring warmth to mine@heartathome as you have now.

its not fairly balanced i return bringing tears to the table and you bring grace.

i do not mean to cause you any harm im not able to go back and see old posts or i risk falling again if i see how many times its looked like i ignored the other good people in our forum circle.

my consistence being kind to myself left me ungaurded against what pssychologist calls my punitive parent who took the microphone when i spoke about kids i relived things unsaid in the post then went straight to sleep as was already tired and woke up feeling i was stupid, pathetic and bad parent and now everyone knows and the thing is im not heartless im the opposite but i never said i havent stopped loving them i will send this now so you know im here i just deleted over an hrs of typing 😐

i just need finish on next post dont worry im not going trigger anything this is whats happened and whats happening it will be brief just points and if you are curious about any of it i like it when you ask questions now you have an idea my answers are sugar coated....

just quickly thanks again for being kind

to be continued...........

i had a friend over 20 yrs was closest to me id known longer than my kids.

australia day 23 she asks me to visit i couldnt be bothered she got her kids involved i was just being lazy so i made the trek.

when we were both laying in her back yard in a thunder storm after some turkeys getting drenched we got to know each other a bit better and the next 6 months were happiest i remember being .

i was over a year completely abstinent from drugs and excessive alcohol first time since 14 and a freak incident happenred that im still medicated for and too unstable to work since.

then i had to move only not getting full wage, triggering at anything and anxiety was crippling me she said come live with her until sort yourself out.

i didnt want too said what choice do i have she owns hers and i can take dog at the time and cars so i did.

kids got nose put out i wasnt in Sydney and always with her . when they learned i was going be 10hrs away they were in her ear behind my back saying are you sure you want live with dad ?

we havent seen dad like this you know what hes like if he snaps aye?

hes never hit us but we are all scared of him sort of shit.

bad dv past she known my kids whole lives she starts splitting.

i couldnt do anything right anymore i was behind everything wrong and she was being more aggressive.

i honestly love her cant even swear at her let alone yell so when her anger escalated i walk away thinking its best move. it wasnt.

day came i was triggered couldnt process or regulate emootionally (no excuse) taking every word to heart, want to ask whats going on but stuttered.

i hated the stutter it only started with meds and she mimicked it when iwe were in car.

i threw phone in my hand like a flicking motion at dash split sec not to break it but still threw it instantly pissed at myself .

im devistated at my failure and she says your no different to any of them she cant trust me anymore she doesnt know who i am anymore and now my true colours come out emotionally im broken she says no wonder them kids are scared of you and snapped me out of defenceless.

i said you been into me since we were there whart the fucjks going on she wouldnt tell me.

it was the end of us even as friends i got discarded and im back sydney living in a garage with no water.

she says doesnt want me at her house if shes not there

im shattered days earlier she was looking at me with her eyes a light and under my arm now im not even trusted, from a shared bed im on a concrete floor with a jug and single mattress and still love her.

she tells me i cann go get some things i hire a van while . loading stuff knowing its last time im in those walls tells me ive destroyed the friendship hopes im happy.

it cut so deep i got clothes and some sentimrernytal stuff and snake. to my last apology the last thing i heard her say exposed the betrayal.

nearly finished sorry im rushing through

Thank you so much for sharing this with us @REDLINEZ750.

It sounds like this was an immensely painful and triggering time for you... it's so incredibly heartbreaking when someone we love hurts us.

I am wondering, with everything you have just shared, how can we support you? 🥰

it was winter thankfully now i contacted old numbers around sussing out shower options.

one of them options ends in the beast with two backs and eventually.

my kids used to always get upset i didnt know thier birthdays i told them remind me how hard is it and you only know birthdays coz of facebook im not on face book but noooo its a problem the significance is they know im living rough and im shattered at loss of my friend and what thier role was but im back in sydney so who cares right, on my 50th birthday with allm this they decide to not acknowledge it so i know how it felt so i spent it alone in candle light having a few bourbons i didnt give them what they wanted but i took score.

end november get asked do something,

nah cant be bothered, its an uproar i never do anything for them im this im that the ungrateful *&% the normal speel only now im taking score.

from that not invited to a birthday or housewarming party i put fence up for to save them couple grand.

over christmas i had a month without therapy and they want to demand i show how much i love them by buying them each a present from the shops i tell them grow up stop being wankers im told not welcome for christmas not wellcome at thier homes stay away from the grandkids.

im told no wonder ...... didnt want you with her after she saw your true colours.

too far. anyone else would of been dealt with i dont gotta be where im not wanted dont matter who you are and the lines already crossed now its been crapped on.

christmas spent same as 5oth.

boxing day spent in friends bed after a shower and during the night some shits offered i think why not having a good time its been 8yrs ill be right so i took some.

didnt enjoy it at all but felt my emotional tension and anxiety lighten like i dropped a load i didnt realise was carrying.

I find a home, alcohol and pot were creeping back daily so went into rehab for 30 days got out feel good a few months ago coz i dont gotta worry bout Pot in system now i run into city start buzzing intercom one at a time see who open gate so i can get to sons door in building

they all blocked me and i burn everytime i try call so im here to look youngest in the face and see if its what he wants i will respect it. im not here for trouble.

im going through this intercom i hear dad what are yiou doing leave the nieghbours alone been watching you through intercom.

said if you werent a dickhead wouldnt have to whats going on he opens gate comes over gives me hug says im sorry dad.

TW: mentions schedule

we talk he tells me he been in a hospital on schedule after feeling no one loved him. there mum passed away just before lock down he watched it consume her im taking it in not reacting not commenting being shredded inside but giving him room and space get through it and leave on good terms.

i cant shake whats in me since hearing he felt unloved and it activates flight on bike which isnt cool just lose complete control of emotional and mental health even the pan meds arent helping i end up back where i spent boxing day and got the release i remembered.

thought i knew what i was doing and had it under control.

thought it was helping but if it was it soon wasnt and im in a hole ive been assesed and accepted by salvation army and start detox very soon which is really scary and im not allowed my little lion whos at mty feet.

thats it thats the key points with a whole lot left out

god i hope your not thinking now you know my true colors i been too busy banging it out if you had told me stop i didnt know but now i will. eeeeek

i hope your ok sorry it took so ;ong to write im not going hide ok

this is my song thats beautiful when everything else seems ugly

Flight Facilities - Clair De Lune feat. Christine Hoberg