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Managing thoughts of suicide & self-harm

Need to vent

Celery67Casual Contributor28 Sept 2025, 8:17 am AEST

Need to vent

I need to vent. I am going through a tough time. I was manipulated by my ex-boss one year and a half ago. She took money from my salary by saying that I had an argument with her about something that happened at work. I remember it never happened. She clearly blackmailed me. I feel guilty whereas I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I feel very resentful about what she has done to me.

I told her I was isolated in Sydney and didn't plan on seeing my parents anytime soon. (My parents live in Brisbane and I haven't seen them since 2016). I told her this detail and she told me she would always be there for me like a mother. She manipulated my feelings and I feel furious for listening to her. I blame myself for something I didn't do. I have harmful thoughts at the moment and feel like dying sometimes because I feel isolated. I will be checking with Medicare and my GP to get a medical certificate to see a therapist to get things off my chest and talk about my problems. I would love to talk with you about my problems and get your opinion on the subject. I hear voices that put me down and remind me of my ex-boss.

I feel like her spirit is haunting me every day. I think it's the curtain of depression playing tricks on me. I need to talk to you about this. My mental health has been affected. I contact lifeline and try to do healthy activities to keep me entertained. Today I'm going to church and I'm going to do some work. I need your support.

TW: Workplace conflict/harassment

Content/trigger warning

One day I was mowing the lawn because I work as a gardener and I love my job. My ex-boss purposely blew dust and debris at me just to put me down. I asked her politely to stop doing that and she got angry. Things got heated and we had a fight. She grabbed my arm, I told her to let go of my arm and I took her hand away in a defensive gesture. She started making a scene saying I had attacked her when I hadn't done anything wrong. She was the one who touched me first. She told me I wasn't allowed to mow the lawn and that I should go home. I was within my rights to stay because I hadn't done anything wrong. Who does she think she is? She said she would call the police if I came near her house and I got scared because I have trauma with the police. When lunch came, things got heated, we argued about the meeting place after my lunch.

I left after lunch and nervous about what happened during the morning and she sent me a message saying I was fired.

Now I'm afraid the bosses will fire me for no reason. It's due to the trauma of that day. I was furious with her because she hadn't done things properly, firing me by text. I found the gesture cowardly. My father told me that she had the right to fire me like that because I was in casual and that I shouldn't be offended. I feel a lot of anxiety and hatred while writing this message. Thank you for reading me and I hope you understood me. I don't know if my message is clear. Thank you for your answers.

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In response to: Need to vent

Celery67Casual Contributor30 Sept 2025, 5:55 am AEST

Re: Need to vent

Hello @AlwaysMyself, I hope you are well.

Expressing my feelings and emotions helps me trust others. Sharing simple moments, laughing and clearing my mind with my friends. I have long-time friends who I really trust

Talking to my GP about my problems helps me regain confidence in myself and others.

I will goto the Blue Mountains on a getaway with some French people this weekend. I have contacted some French people and I am going to reach out to them to see if there are people interested in going on a walk this weekend.

I admit that because of the voices I heard yesterday afternoon, I withdrew a little into myself.

At work yesterday, the work itself required thoroughness and a lot of attention. The client had no idea how much work had to be done. I worked hard yesterday, I worked non-stop until late afternoon and took a short break for lunch. In addition, it was extremely hot yesterday so working conditions were difficult. I think the client assumed I could clean the entire garden bed in a few hours, which may have meant I was not efficient.

What helps you concentrate at work and not think about everything and nothing at work? And to be in a good mood?

In response to: Re: Need to vent

AlwaysMyselfSenior Contributor30 Sept 2025, 8:04 pm AEST

Re: Need to vent

A walk in the Blue Mountains sounds lovely @Celery67 . 🙂 I once did a horseride tour through Megalong Valley through some of the bushland, it was lovely. (I used to live in Sydney region many years ago, so I am familiar with a number of areas, but I bet a lot has changed since!)

Gardening takes a long time. My mother likes gardening, and I know she can spend hours upon hours in one area just pulling weeds! Let alone if you water, plant, mulch, prune, etc.

Thankfully I am usually good at focus/concentration, so unless I am having quite strong thoughts it isn't a problem. However if I am having a day where I find it harder to keep my mind on-track of work, I listen to some music and that helps me "get in the zone" a little -- or perhaps just the blocking out of noise from other people? or the pleasant background noise of music I like adds to motivation?

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