Need to vent

Hey there @Celery67 and welcome to the forums!

I can hear how distressing that situation with your boss was a year and a half ago. It's understandable that you're still feeling resentful and even a bit traumatised these days! No one should ever be made to feel scared of someone in a leadership position. And being worried that you'll also lose your income can make things feel extra nerve-wracking. Your response sounds totally valid.

It's so good to see that you're taking these steps to care for your mental health - so that you're set up for success in your future roles. Getting involved in communities like this can contribute to building confidence and feeling less alone. I hope you can find those helpful connections here on the forums.

Chatting to your GP about a medical certificate or a mental health plan also sounds like a great move! I know lots of people find it really helpful to be able to talk things through with a neutral party. I'm sure they'll have lots of advice for managing the anxiety, too! Let us know how you go with that.

Please also note that I did make some slight edits to your post to help with anonymity. I've sent you an email 😊

Take care today - and I hope to see you more around the forums!

@Celery67 here to chat and listen. I'm really sorry that someone has treated you that way, and even more so for it to be a boss! You do not deserve to be treated unfairly. I'm glad you don't work for that boss anymore (for your sake) - but I know this can still be very painful and hard especially if you have not been able to get new work.

Have you had other bosses before or after that one who have treated you well?

I have had bosses who were great, and also bosses that started out good and for various reasons became harmful to my wellbeing. It can feel hard not to know what a future boss will be like.

Dismissal laws can be difficult, and for casual employees and small business it can be very easy to make up a reason for dismissal ("we just dont have enough clients at the moment"). ☹️ However if they do tell you a reason and it is not fair or with a warning, then you can (soon after the dismissal) apply to the Fair Work Commission to review it. Likewise if your employer takes money out of your salary (docks your pay) this can also be reported for them to review/mediate. However sometimes going through an official process may be more stressful than it is worth to your wellbeing -- but only you can make that judgement for yourself, and you absolutely have the right to submit a claim if it meets the criteria.

Can I ask what the thoughts your voice tells you are? What do you say back to the voice when you hear it?

I notice you can recognise that there are things you blame yourself for that you didn't do - that is good to be able to acknowledge what actions/behaviours/words may have or may not have contributed to the situation, and what things you did not do that are being said.

I am notorious at gas-lighting myself with thinking i may have unknowingly done something I dont think it did - especially when it comes to tone of voice or someone else interpreting the words I say differently! 😬

What would be most helpful for you for us to chat about?

Thank you @AlwaysMyself for listening and for your empathy. I would like to talk about voices. When I do something, for example at work, an activity or a memory that resurfaces in my memory, the voice tells me "you're good like that". It often interacts when I try to have confidence in myself and to value myself. This causes me discomfort and makes me sad. When I feel sad, it mocks me by taking on a diabloous voice that scares me because I don't know where it comes from. I think it comes from a deeply buried memory.

I think I talked about it with my boss when I worked for her and this voice that says "you're good like that" reminds me of two things: the trauma I experienced with my adoptive father and my ex-boss who flattered me enormously. This trauma reinforces the idea that my adoptive father is "my father" supposedly while I was raised by my stepfather who is a wonderful man that I consider my beloved dad. When the voice says "you're good like that", I often get angry because mentally it's difficult. I tell it: oh it's okay, let go of me, you're annoying me. "You're not done bothering me". "I hate you, go away". Sometimes I tell it "you can hurt me if you want, I give you permission" because I feel helpless when I'm at work sometimes. I lack investment at work sometimes because the voice reminds me as if my ex-boss was there. [edited by moderator] I hope you understood my message. What do you mean by "I'm known for mistaking myself for thinking I may have done something without knowing it, without thinking it, especially when it comes to tone of voice or a different interpretation of what I said." I also wanted to tell you that I want to go to France for treatment because I'm French. Do you know the steps to get treatment in France? It's just a question. I can't wait to read it. Thank you for your answer.

Hi @Celery67 , that certainly would have been a difficult emotional start to life with abandonment and then an abusive adoptive father also. I am glad your adoptive mother and step-father were loving and supporting though.

It sounds like the "you're good like that" voice isn't one you perceive as positive. Do you feel it is a manipulative voice (like your exboss flattering you)?

It is good you can see when the negative voices come and you can tell they are not your normal thoughts/beliefs.

Does it go away when you tell it to?

If not, I wonder if there is a way to acknowledge it without giving it emotion (e.g. I hear you, but I don't believe you. I am going to refocus on my work instead, goodbye.) And if so whether that could help avoid any emotional churn from the voice?

What is meant by "I'm known for mistaking myself for thinking I may have done something without knowing it, without thinking it, especially when it comes to tone of voice or a different interpretation of what I said" is that sometimes I worry that I may have done something to cause the problem (or done what is claimed) but do not believe/see that I have. For example, a person may say that I was rude or passive-aggressive in what I wrote/said. But I may not see my own words that way, and I then sometimes spiral in worry that I am rude without meaning to be. When this happens I like to ask a separate person to look at what was written and let me know if they think I was rude. Then I can either be assured that it was the other person's distorted perception of my message (perhaps from their own emotions or beliefs), or if i was a little rude i can be aware for the future and apologise for how it came across and explain what I meant instead.

Sorry, I do not know anything about getting treatment in any foreign country. If you are a French citizen I imagine it would be easier though, due to residential rights and such.

Have you looked up what type of treatment you are looking for and where in France can offer it?

Are you hoping to move to France to live long-term? Or only wanting to visit for short-term treatment?

I have not really been to France (yet). Have you lived there? What is it like from your experience?

Hi @AlwaysMyself, yes I think it's a manipulative voice because every time I try to have confidence in myself or do something good (at work or in general for example an act of kindness towards others or myself) the negative manipulative voice appears and reduces my self-confidence. It also makes me afraid. I imagine it as a little monster that gets bigger and bigger until it becomes a scary purple monster with red eyes. At first, I imagine the voice as a small green monster with the appearance of a dinosaur. I wanted to tell you something that was close to my heart, my ex-boss told me that Australians were bad. I deeply love Australians, I find them kind, pleasant and good-natured. As I told her that I was isolated, she manipulated my feelings by telling me that Australians were bad and that Croatians were better. (she is of Croatian origin). I think she meant by that that I was French and that I was isolated from France which reinforced the wound of abandonment. When I feel isolated, the manipulative voice tells me "you're good like that" over and over again and it makes me suffer. It's not so much the nationality of a person that matters, it's the resentment and anger I feel towards my ex-boss [edited by moderator] because her manipulation reinforced the isolation and the wound of abandonment. Because of my ex-boss, I have trust issues, I have trouble opening up to others hence my isolation but I am very courageous and determined to get better. I realize that people are generally lovely and have good hearts because Australia is a beautiful country. It's just the manipulation that reinforced the feeling of isolation. When I tell them to leave, they answer me "Never" followed by an evil laugh. I have several voices in my head that remind me of my ex-boss, I think: when I think of my ex-boss (the voice says to me: "Oh, sweet ex-boss that I love with all my heart", when I try to remember something, "she answers me Lost, in a arsh tone", then she laughs in a Machiavellian tone"), another voice reminds me of my adoptive father (I would really like to tell you about him), and my adoptive stepfather (but I'm less sure about that). A voice often tells me "when I think of someone in general, the voice repeats the person's first name then adds the word loser". I'm a little off topic. I'm coming back to what I wanted to tell you. Even if I do this little exercise the voice answers me "Never", I think it's tenacious because I haven't accepted all the harm that has been done to me. I'm going to tell you something very important, ex-boss manipulated my ego. [edited by moderator] She basically told me that I had too much ego and this reinforced my feeling of isolation because I find it difficult to question myself now. I have a thought like "I refuse to question myself" in French. Do you have any ideas? I will speak to my GP about it today and ask for a referral letter from my doctor to see a psychologist.

@AlwaysMyself My previous boss told me I was bad at English because I made grammar mistakes when speaking. Since then, it has reinforced my complex and the language barrier and my feeling of isolation and I have a lot of anxiety when speaking French and English. Sometimes, I tell myself that I don't speak any language, neither French nor English, but that's completely false. She told me that Croatians were better than everyone else, which reinforced my feeling of isolation, even though it's false: no one is better than anyone else and it's not a question of nationality. We are all equal in rights and duties. I lost confidence in myself in French and English because my ex-boss spoke to me badly about the French language and said "when are you going back to France?" when she didn't mean a word of it, and it tormented me. It reinforced my wound of abandonment. I should accept my mistake of having taken her for my mother. A listener from SOS Friendship told me that I was vulnerable and I needed a mother at that moment and not to blame myself for having wanted to meet my needs. I will try to accept my mistakes to heal little by little. I would like to talk to you more about it. To answer you about France, it's a good question: I plan to stay in France long term but I have a plan B to return to Australia if necessary. There are CMP, hospitals and psychiatric centers in France. I would like to speak to a French psychologist because I would be able to express myself better in my native language. The French mutual insurance company covers hospital care and psychiatric costs in France for all French people and refugees if I'm not mistaken. As I am French, I must open my rights, obtain the Carte Vitale, make my security number and find accommodation and a job I hope. All this takes time and the administrative procedures are complicated for everyone (like in Australia or everywhere else). The French system is different from Australia but medical expenses are free for the French, for example if you have cancer and you have to go to the hospital for a long stay, the government pays the entire cost. On the other hand, taxes are very high in France. Between 40% and 60% taxes for the middle class and the rich. I want to live with my family for a while. I lived in France with my family, I went to school. I left for Australia when I was young so I don't have a real opinion on life in France.

Hi @AlwaysMyself. I was working in the gardens today and as I was finishing my work, my client came to see me. She asked me what I had accomplished. I saw on her face that she seemed upset. I reassured her. I was afraid that she was going to fire me. This feeling came from my feelings of resentment towards my ex-boss. Then, the voice came to criticize me and put me down. I felt like I was losing my mind and I was furious with the voice. I made an important discovery today. Let me explain, I read a book called "it" by Bev Aisbett. This book is a personal development book to combat anxiety and panic attacks. The book is illustrated, there are illustrations of a little monster representing our anxieties. I realized today that the voice sends me image projections of this little monster. I am not at all worried about this little monster who represents my anxiety. I realized that I was managing my anxiety very well and that I wasn't worried about being anxious at all. What worries me and scares me are the "voices."

Hey @bandicoot , thanks for your message. I made an appointment with my GP on Wednesday to talk about my trauma with my former boss, and to talk to her about my voices. I'll let you know as soon as possible. Best regards. I wish you a good evening. [edited by moderator]

hey there @Celery67, glad to hear you've booked an appt to talk through things. you deserve a safe space to work through those heavy thoughts and feelings 💙

i just wanted to let you know that i've edited a few of your posts to remove the name of your ex-boss. this is due to our 'staying anonymous' community guidelines - we don't share names of real life people (except celebrities) to ensure your anonymity is protected. hope that makes sense!

@Celery67 i can understand why those voices are concerning and distressing for you, especially with their tone of voice and not going away. How did it go with your GP? Were you able to get a referral to a pscyhologist?

What does your GP think about the voices?

I agree with your view that no country nationality are better people than elsewhere. 😊 there are lovely and not-so-lovely people in every country.

How did it end up with the client today? Were they OK when you went over what work you had done today?

I suspect sometimes people dont realise how much time some things can take and wonder where all the time has gone for the visible outputs. Its always good when people are willing to ask to learn, rather than assume someone was not working hard. I felt like I got nothing done at work today, even though I was so busy I forgot to take a lunch break! I just dont have much outputs to show for all the time it took to analyse things, so I feel like it didnt get anywhere.

What helps you to learn to trust people again?

Do you have some people you know that have been trustworthy? 😊