reconciling past time in psychosis and more recent hallucinations

Hi @simple-petal thanks for sharing your experiences - I am really hearing how this is something that you are doing your best to manage, but sounds like the intensity is ramping up, which can be super scary.

I don't have experience with hearing voices myself but I know there's plenty of folk around here who do. From the folks in my life and those I've worked with, I think there's something to be said for how we create meaning from these experiences - and whether that meaning is a comfort or not.

I am glad you've got the support of your psychiatrist. Sounds like you are mainly seeking clarity and understanding?

Hello @simple-petal,

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It sounds like you have done so much growing and healing over the past year, you should be so proud of all the work you have done. 🥰

I can't imagine how dysregulating these experiences must be for you... what has helped you to ground or manage these hallucinations so far?

I think it's so positive that you have a psychiatrist you can work on things with - do you also have a psychologist?

Talk soon! ✨

Thank you @Jynx

yes i'm talking about my experiences to try and understand them and make sense of it and have resolution. I'm thinking somehow talking about it will help. Maybe my psychiatrist can help. I see him regularly every two weeks but now in one week. I haven't told him all the delusions but I think i've told him the main ones and he knows what has happened over the last few years. He knows I can get quite paranoid. But I haven't spoken to him about the visual or auditory hallucinations. They don't bother me, and I gather they happen for no reason or maybe related to stress or tiredness. The last 2 I have had this year, I think I know where they are coming from at this point in my recovery. I write a lot when I am like this in hypomania and I think I will write it all down this week and give it to him next week when I see him. Talking about some of the stuff that happened with other patients in group this year helped. In hospital other patients shared their delusions with me but I never got to talk to them about hallucinations. I spent most of my time in hospital in my room. My partner knows about it all and I have mentioned the hallucinations to him. So he knows and my psychiatrist knows. The worst thing in recovery has been the fear of becoming psychotic or manic or severely depressed again. I am trying to do everything I can for self care. It has been a tough recovery with guilt and shame. I feel so self absorbed and in my own head a lot of time. I feel sorry for my partner because I know I am not much company for him. I have thought for a long time he would be better finding someone else. He is such a kind, sensible, supportive and patient man and I have been so lucky he has stood by me these last many difficult years. I would not be here but for him. I feel so lucky to have had him in my life. Anyway it has been 1 step forward and 2 back for a year or two now but at least I am walking forward more often now. Anyway writing this is emotional. So I will leave it at that.

@simple-petal

Hi friend as someone who has hallucinations since the beginning of my life, i like to share some stuff with you.

i found that my hallucinations, in retrospect, were never random, but myself projecting myself all blown apart and in pieces, myself placed all broken is pieces, but that this chaotically and therefore needs to deciphered rather than done away with as delusional .

However having said this our hallucination never speaks the truth but about our truths truthfully but chaotically and literally as to our physical reality. Which is when not psychotic completely UNRELIABLE as we lived it psychotic.

TW: Example of Hallucination

🤣

For now i can 'dine' on the recall of my hallucination without it making me conclude wrongly and costing me dearly, as it was during, and in the aftermaths of my psychoses.

I have just started seeing a psychologist regularly every 2 weeks from my health fund a month ago. I went to recovery group weekly meetings at hospital outpatients earlier this year. I saw a psychologist in hospital and they gave all the group sessions I have been to. I do mindfulness, meditation, exercise, the 5 senses intermittently, but not every day. On a day by day basis I do the basics at home, prepare food, shop, walk our dog, exercise for 5 minutes, do washing, I have a very basic routine which I can keep up for a few weeks and when I am low/flat these things become hard to do again and I spent a lot of time on the bed. But then I am having 1-2 weeks of feeling normal, maybe a week of feeling a bit too good, doing a lot, less sleep etc, and I clean out cupboards and clean windows and leave the house more, visit people, but then I slip back and end up in bed for a couple of weeks again. Such is life for the last 12 months, but at least no hospital admission in 12 months. I am happy to go back if needed but I would much much prefer to stay at home with my dog and my partner.

Thank you for sharing those insights with me @DownMoreThanUp

I am thinking the auditory hallucinations (voices) are coming from my fear at this point in my recovery and have occurred to challenge me with how my recovery is going and to prove how much I am no longer delusional or paranoid. I am struck by them because it is like I am hearing someone I know say something to me that they would not say while they are physically very close by, but not close enough to hear their words, and their words aren't very nice. I really appreciate you sharing your experience of hearing voices with me. For about a year now I am tired of being reminded of the past delusions during the mania and psychosis, like for eg, I am reminded of them when I see places I went and people I spoke to when I was unwell or hear news relating to the content of some of the delusions. it has been difficult. I wish I could just move on and forget about them which is what I want to happen.

@simple-petal it's a hectic journey you're on, and whilst I can hear how much of a struggle some days are, and how difficult it is to live with these memories and experiences, I am also sensing that you're a real trooper - you're not remotely ready to give up. Kudos.

I like what you've shared @DownMoreThanUp (ty for sharing your thoughts!) and it echoes something a few people have shared with me about their hallucinations often reflecting their deepest fears or darkest parts of themselves. Also knew someone who came to befriend some of their voices as kind and helpful spirits. We are meaning-making by nature, but we can choose the kind of meaning we want to make for ourselves - and be empowered to write our own stories.

I hope that things go well with this psych @simple-petal - and also just briefly want to say that your partner is actively choosing you and choosing to stay with you. So something in you must be inherently worth choosing 💜

@simple-petal i know this might sound paradoxical but for me to finally be able to break free from my hallucinations, especially bad ones like you talk about. Meant for me that rather than suppressing my delusions, and try to push them away, i had to investigate them in light of the truth it produced in my life since i had followed its 'loveless voice of hurt' in me.

For example loveless voices that were supposedly coming from my loved ones, i began to investigate in the light of my own unloving ways towards myself. This produced for more insight in my hurt and inability to 'forget' the hallucination, and brought me the understanding to cultivating love where i was hurting, as that was the best way to break from from the loveless powers of my hallucinations and lay them to rest.

i hope this makes sense to you. Fill ourself up with love forgiveness and acceptance where you hurt the hallucination the worst, that is where your 'sorest' spots are.

Hey @simple-petal, thank you for sharing your experiences with the community!

It sounds like you have been through a lot with your auditory and visual hallusinations for some time. You are being really brave in reaching out to your peers and being vulnerable here on the Forums. It's not easy to talk about our experiences and we often don't get an opportunity to do it safely elsewhere.

I can really relate to your experiences as I also have had similar experiences with mainly auditory hallucinations, a couple of visual hallucinations and delusions spanning nearly 20 years. I first heard voices in 2007 and had a psychotic episode which resulted with me being admitted to hospital and starting antipsychotics. I experienced this for 9 years going in and out of hospital and facing many other life challenges.

In 2016 I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and I was encouraged to go on the DSP and take some time out. I felt like it was forever and I would never recover and lead a life that I dreamed of before my mental health was present. However this was a turning point in my life and I was able to study and create a pathway into peer work here wtih SANE.

Mostly I heard voices and thought I was being investigated and people were spying on me from the next door apartments. It was a very frightening time and I truely believed the delusions I was having for 9 years. I only saw halluicinations a couple of times which were reflections in a polished surface that represented a person. They were not clear and appearing as real people like you have described.

It's great to talk about our experiences with psychiatrists and here with the community but I am curious if you have spoken with a Peer Support Worker before who has a their own lived experience with mental health. It can be really beneficial to chat with someone who gets it and can really understand what you are going through. We have the Guided Recovery program here at SANE if you would like to take a look and see if you feel it would be beneficial to you.

Also we have a dedicated thread for posting about Hearing voices and psychosis if you would like to conenct with Members there too.

Thanks again for sharing your experiences with the community and please do continue to reach out to your peers and ask any questions that you might have.

Take care

RiverSeal