I'm glad the new workplace seems nice and friendly. I can relate to "im coming to this company broken... I dont wanna be their mess to put back together." I felt a bit like that when I changed work teams earlier this year; I was changing because of workplace problems and feeling very broken and almost wondering if I just wasn't fit to work because I hadn't been coping with behaviours occuring in my work. The good news is that I'm not having those problems in my current work team, and I don't feel broken-at-work now (even if i still feel a mentally 'broken' due to my depression).
Whilst I use the word 'broken' both because it is a word you use to describe the feeling, and I have often had that thought myself using the exact same word. But over time ive come to find that even though my body and mind may be "broken" compared to a healthy fully functioning one, that doesnt make me any less valuable as a person, or worth less. It can make me different from others, sure. But it doesnt de-value me.
And i believe the same about you.
I know not everyone sees things this way, and some people do have prejudice, etc. So yeah sometimes it can wise to keep "brokenness" hidden if you dont need to let people know, but it can also be safe to.
You mentioned wanting to talk to one person who has said theyre open to if you want.
What would you like to tell them, if you knew they were safe to tell and would react well, and genuinely want to be supportive of you?
There's no harm in rehersing or planning what you might disclose and how you might say it -- even if you decide not to go through with it.
Sometimes I find it can help me figure out what I am seeking/wanting from them, and then that helps me refine what/how I tell them, and what things I might choose to withhold from mentioning (if I dont want to overwhelm them, or if I just want to test the response safely first until I know and trust them better).
I also struggle with reaching out to friends when im sad or lonely or having dark thoughts. As you say - what do I say to them? What do I even want them to do??
I sometimes reach out for a distraction (tell me a funny story? How is the dog? Etc), or sometimes could ask if they will go for a coffee/cafe.
But i think its also fine to say "im feeling really sad at the moment. I dont want to talk. But I want someone to know how I feel" or that you would like some physical present company even if you dont want to talk (BYO book? Watch a movie? Etc)
Not sure if any of these ideas are helpful. But food for thought on ways to approach. But you know you best, and whether or not these things feel 'right' for you and your friends/coworkers.
I hope the psychologist was helpful. And that the funeral went smoothly and was a meaningful farewell and grieving stage.
I also sometimes wish I could just sleep for a long while, let my body get some rest and reset the stress levels, and wake up sometime in the future when the current stresses were gone or I was forwarded to something im waiting for! I think my adrenal system might like a good coma for awhile 😅. Oohh maybe we should be like bears and develop a form of hibernation??
