TW: Im tired

Hey @Hazard357, I can't imagine how much pain you're feeling at the moment after the news of your uncle's passing, and I hear how this news has also brought up painful memories around your mum's suicide too. What you're feeling tonight is incredibly valid, and I'm glad that you've decided to open up on SANE tonight around these feelings for some support - that wouldn't have been easy at all, and we're here to listen and sit with you in these feelings.

It's also concerning to hear that these suicidal thoughts are strong for you tonight, and that you're thinking how you'd be able to do it. Yet, I can sense part of you really wants to protect your safety and wellbeing tonight too by going to the hospital or calling someone which would be some really great steps to take. I wonder if those are some steps you could take tonight, or if there are other coping strategies you could engage in to support your safety? I'll be sending a private email as well to you just to check in around your safety and share some resources and services that could be helpful for you tonight. You deserve to be supported and don't have to sit with this alone.

- calicocats 😼

Hey @Hazard357, thank you for reaching out to the community and sharing your experiences!

I just wanted to check in with you this morning as @calicocats responded to you last night and sent an email to check in with you privately. How are you doing today?

I have experienced strong urges to take my own life too and I have found it really beneficial to talk with someone who get's it. Here at SANE we have the Guided Recovery program where you can speak with a Peer Support Worker or Counsellor for 15 weeks and receive 1:1 support with the same worker.

Hey,

Thanks for messaging. I needed some time before replying to get my head sorted a bit. Last night was not a good night for me, and this morning wasn't much better. I am not too bad at the moment but I definitely need to talk to someone because I am not okay.

I'm in the recovery program and don't really understand how to organise to talk to someone. I feel very alone at the moment but I am also struggling to reach out to people. I can't seem to call or text anyone about it.

I don't really know what to do from here to be honest. I feel like I've been trying too hard not to get this bad and now I'm here I feel stuck

Hey @Hazard357 ,

That sounds so hard. I've been reading back and I'm sorry to hear about your uncle.

In line with community guidelines, are you able to let the community know what support on the these forums look like to you? What would be helpful that we can provide? Connection? Feeling less alone? Somewhere to bounce ideas?

Also, I've added a trigger warning and spoiler to your post above as it contains sensitive information that may be difficult for some members to read.

You can read our Community Guidelines here: https://saneforums.org/t5/help/faqpage/title/community-guidelines

Are you staying with anyone tonight?

I think I'd just like to know I'm not alone. If anyone understands the shame and disappointment I have in myself for being where I am right now. And maybe some things that could help. Ive been going for walks and runs lately, they helped for a bit but now I feel like it's not working as much.

I dont want to feel like this, and I feel very alone trying to figure out how to help myself.

I am with people during the day, so that helps, until Im alone and have nothing to occupy myself with

hey @Hazard357 i'm so sorry to hear about your uncle, and i can see how it brings up heavy thoughts and feelings for you.

it's absolutely okay to feel that heaviness too, but know that it will get lighter with time. i can relate to feeling stuck and lost, and not knowing if things are going to get easier. the one thing i can promise you is that this feeling isn't permanent, and things can get better.

the fact that you're reaching out here and you've been going for walks, socialising throughout the day, etc., is already such a big step. i hope you're proud of yourself for that. you mentioned that the night times are harder because your alone - are there self-care activities you can plan out for yourself? if you're finding your thoughts overwhelming, would journaling be helpful?

Hi @Hazard357 , I've only just seen your post. I know what it's like for myself having suicidal thoughts and wanting to "be at peace". I'm sorry that you feel shame and disappointment for yourself from these thoughts - or is perhaps these feelings driving the suicidality? Either way, they sound difficult and unpleasant for you to be sitting alone with.

I'm all open ears to listen to your story if "letting it out" helps?

Or, if knowing about someone else's experiences helps you feel less alone, please feel welcome to ask me about my own experiences walking this path also.

You are not alone in feeling those feelings, or having challenging thoughts. I hear you.

Thank you @AlwaysMyself I think I need someone to talk to. I feel so alone right now and the last couple of weeks I've struggled picking up the phone, only just saw this tonight. I feel like ive been drowning in my emotions and whats been happening in my life. Ive been trying hard to distract myself and it worked for a bit. But it always finds a way back as you probably know already.

Ive been trying to let myself process things and feel these feelings and I am struggling with that. It feels dark, and lonely and sometimes I cant see a way out. Thoughts of self harm have been hanging around a lot lately and sometimes the thought of suicide. That night I posed my original post was the worst of it.

I feel overwhelmed, my whole life has changed in the past month with a new job while also trying to understand and feel my grief not only for my uncle, but for my mum, who I never truly got the opportunity to grieve. It feels like too much for me right now, and im trying to hold myself together especially in front of my new co-workers and boss. I am exhausted.

I'd been wondering how you were @Hazard357 . On one hand I'm glad to hear that things haven't gotten as bad again as when you posted the other week, but on the other hand I'm empathetic and sorry that things are still really overwhelming for you and distressing thoughts.

For myself I feel like distractions just delay the root issue until I'm able to seek support to process it since a safer environment (if needed) or when calmer (if due to a trigger). Never been a longterm solution for me to just keep distracting myself. Its survival, but not thrival. (I may have just made up a new word, but it sounded better than "thriving".)

New job plus double grieving. Thats a heavy load indeed. A lot of big life stress factors.

The pressure to not 'let the cracks show' in a new job can feel huge. I hope the coworkers are good caring people and perhaps can be safe to let know if you are not feeling great? (E.g. No, I'm not feeling great today. I am missing my family member who passed away. However, I will be OK and still able to work. Thank you for your concern.) It can take time to build that trust though, absolutely.

Does your boss know at all about either your uncle or mother's passing and your current grieving process?

Have you found anything yet that helps you process the grief?

E.g. honouring their memory, sharing your favourite memories of them with others, writing, etc? (Sorry, im not as well experienced in the grieving process. I have had 1 friend pass, but we knew he was ill for 12 months with a prognosis of non-recovery, so it was something I could prepare for to say my goodbye before they passed). (My uncle passed in 2020, but I was not very close to him. It was sad, and he was overseas so we could not attend the funeral. It felt surreal because of just watching via video. It was a sudden and unexpected passing).

Its nice to know that someone can recognise that its a lot @AlwaysMyself.

Distractions have helped but unfortunately its getting harder to even Distract myself. Work helped a lot. New job, new people all excited and fresh and fun. But as lovely as these people are I feel so completely alone. My new boss is partly awear of what has happened. He knows about the funeral and thats about it. I have this thought that im coming to this company broken and if they know how broken I feel right now it will be the end for me. Not just at the company but socially too. I dont wanna be their mess to put back together. I am terrified of being the depressed one, or the unhappy one, or the self pity one. I kinda want to talk to one of the boys though. He said I can, and that hes here if I need, work related or not. But I dont wanna bother him, and again what if im too mess up right now? I dont know.

I keep wanting to reach out to people, texting or calling. But I cant seem to make the call or send the message. Because what do I say to them? Im sad again? Help? I just dont have it in me to do that or have that conversation right now. So I keep scrolling on social media hoping someone will reach out to me, ignoring the fact that what im doing is making myself worse.

I have a appointment with my physiologist tomorrow, so I hope she can help, or that at least talking to her can help me. But even after that I have a funeral to go to, so I feel like I cant win right now. I wouldn't mind sleeping for a long while, this life is taking up so much of my energy right now and I feel like im just trying to breathe.

But when it comes tk honering the person, I have thought about doing up my mums grave, but havnt gotten around to it or figured out what I want to do to it yet. But for my uncle, I have no idea, tomorrow may help me with that, im not sure.

My bain feels like broken chaos that is mooshy