Dating

@Tarmac_6

I don't really have any advice for you I'm afraid. I dated long ago. Maybe next time you meet someone don't just jump into bed with them if this is making you feel shame. I think the shame is your body's way of trying to tell you something? I hope that you can forgive yourself and move on. You never know, maybe this is your guy. If not, there are plenty of fish in the sea. The right guy will come along eventually. Maybe just work on loving yourself for a while. Being happy seems to be irresistible to others. Good luck.

hey @Tarmac_6,

have you looked into your attachment style before? our attachment styles can influence how we react/behave in relationships, and how we view connections in general. i found out last year that i have a 'fearful-avoidant' attachment (which made a LOT of sense), so i have been trying to be more aware of it and work on changing it to a 'secure' attachment.

there's a quiz i did recently on it too, and the quiz came with 'results' that gave some suggestions around what to work on. if you are interested, let me know and i can find the link for you 😊

@Tarmac_6If someone truly cares about you and wants to build something positive together, they won’t pressure you or make you feel guilty. Remember, you have the power to decide what you want in a relationship—and it always takes two people working together to create a strong positive foundation in a relationship.

Hey @rav3n , I'm curious about this now. Would you please share the link to the attachment style quiz that you think is good?

How useful did you find the feedback for areas to work on?

@rav3n

I would love the link too please. I did a test and it came back with fearful-avoidant attachment also but it didn't give me any hints on how I could change it. I think @MJG017 might be interested too.

Hi Raven,

I looked up a link last night and it also said I was fearful avoidant which makes a lot of sense. So maybe just need to work on that, thanks

I've done a few if those tests and they've all come back as disorganised (fearful avoidant) which is a combination of the two insecure styles, anxious and avoidant. I looked into them quite a but last year as Insecure attachment is very common with adoptees. It can be worked on. For me, it helped to know it was very common and not something wrong with me. That it was just difficulty trusting people, letting them close, and feeling like I wasn't good enough. It's hard, but you can slowly start to change how you see yourself and learn to have more secure attachment with the relationships you have and then start to build new ones.

In my opinion, it doesn’t matter if you sleep with someone the first night you meet them or not. What matters is whether there is a connection and a willingness to share and talk and learn from each other, and trust each other, spend time with each other and treat each other with respect (respecting boundaries especially).

all the best x

Hey @MJG017, Thankyou I think I have known this about myself for a while and it sort of makes me feel really different from other people and like I’m doing something wrong so it helps to know that I’m not alone in this. I do want to from more secure attachments but I think part of me also thinks that all things considered I’m allowed to be like this and I need to keep myself safe. I know it will be more beneficial for everyone if I was more secure so definitely something I will work on.

@Tarmac_6

WWhen I discovered attachment theory last year, it was such a big change for me to know why I was they way I was and that it was very common, and there was nothing wrong with me. That I was the way I was because that small child inside me was just trying to keep us both safe. But I was also inld enough, 53 at the time, to see the damage it had done. I started to see myself as a lot more normal and though I deserved better. That all that people pleasing over the years never really built any strong connections.

I think once you can start to feel a bit kinder to yourself, you can work on starting to trust people more. We are always going to be choosy on who we give that trust to and how close we let them in, but in the trust in ourselves we can start to see that we have an instinct for knowing those in our lives that have earnt that trust. Maybe, like me it's only one person, but it's a start, because then you open yourself up to finding new people and being more trusting and open with them because you don't automatically assume "I won't be safe with you"... you still think it a lot, but you can start to give people a chance to get to know the real you. And some people will be good with the real you, even understand because they are themselves similar with their attachment issues. That trust can build quickly.

It can be slow, it can be hard, but it's definitely possible. But it's a lot easier than getting to an age where you look back and feel like you've built such an impenetrable wall around yourself, that yes, you kept yourself safe, but you also imprisoned yourself within it.

So if you can start to work in it, and even if you can form one (relatively) secure attachment with one other person, it can be life changing. It seems like an over-exaggeration but if like me you've never felt you've had that in your life, it definitely can be. Like yourself. Trust yourself. And know there others who will if you start to let them. You may already know them, or you may need to find them, but they're there. One is all it takes.