Feeling caged up

@AuntGlow today hasn't been a great day. Feeling agitated, probably bipolar. CPTSD and anxiety get amplified. Also feel like slipping back into ED habits. My mind is running on poor choices, not logic today.

Being ND sort of makes me super empathetic since I am able to pick up on changes in emotions in the room. It also makes me passionate about my areas of interest.

I could explore it a bit more through writing. I haven't actually done a huge lot today, did some exercise in the morning, watched some TV.

@rav3n I was getting thoughts of dropping out from dietician sessions so I could do what I wanted. As my mum says, if you go to someone they will take control. I don't want to lose control. I know I have my meals planned for the rest of today.

I haven't had any major medical complications from the ED so far. It's mostly been effects to mental health, poor circulation, lightheadedness, hair loss, poor immune system, migraines, chronic pain, gut symptoms and period changes. It is fairly mild at this point in the scheme of things. But I know more symptoms appear once it progresses.

I only have one friend who I talk to about mental health. I find it hard to form friendships, most interactions with people don't feel satisfying, so I end up feeling unmotivated to try.

I understand, and that must be really overwhelming... what do you think your body and mind are actually craving right now? @creative_writer 💛

Empathetic and passionate, those are two pretty wonderful traits to have.

Would it feel safe to explore writing 3 sentences about how you're feeling right now? 🫶

@creative_writer i hear where you're coming from, the thought of losing your sense of control would be tough to accept. i'm sorry to hear your mum said that. i can't say i agree with that sentence in all contexts/situations. is it possible to work on a reframe here, maybe reminding yourself that these dietician appts are giving you the tools so you can gain a healthy control of your life? (i reckon you could come up with a better reframe for yourself)

does your friend know how you're feeling at the moment? i absolutely hear you, i've had quite a few unsatisfying interactions too. it takes time finding friends that we're compatible with, people pop by in random stages of our life. having one good friend you can trust means a lot (quality over quantity!!!)

i might be hopping off soon - in case i don't get to see your response tonight, good night and pls take care 💖

@AuntGlow I want to feel safe and in control. But I don’t have control of my body. If I don’t have control over my body how am I supposed to feel safe? How am I supposed to sit with the disgust of what has been done to me? The body sensations are more uncomfortable in certain regions of the body. I don’t want to feel it again, it feels too much to have to do it on a regular basis. Maybe I’m just agitated, but thoughts of suicide come up. A part of me just wants to give in, I’m safe.

I feel like I’m stuck in this dark pit and can’t find a way out. I find myself reliving this torture day after day, the thoughts or memories don’t leave. I want to be able to move forward and see hope at the end of the tunnel but I’m finding it super hard right now

@rav3n I know dietician is meant to be a collaborative process. I guess my mum just has had bad experiences with people in general. I do still fear losing control, ED helps me stay in control in some ways, but makes me lose control in other ways.

My friend has been supportive in the past. I haven’t ever told her everything, likewise she hasn’t told me everything. Some family stuff can be personal, which is totally fair for both of us. I wouldn’t share how hard it was growing up with a parent with mental illness with friends. Or the messy complications of extended family stuff in detail. I know I do need to bring up family stuff with my psych.

I hope you have a restful evening 💖

So I’ve reached out for support, don’t think I got much out of it. Don’t know why I even tried. Maybe something is wrong with me for it to not work

Sorry to hear this @creative_writer . Sounds so hard to have reached out and not received the support you were looking for.

Is there something the community here can do to better support you?

@tyme it’s so hard to reach out for support. I may be more open on the forums, but in real life I can’t talk to people openly or feel comfortable crying in front of them. I went with chat, because phone calls feels challenging. I know my coping strategies and that I need to lean on my mental health team for supports. I sometimes need support in between appointments, so I thought I should reach out.

I think it helps to have company and have someone who listens without shutting you down.

Hey @creative_writer ,

The fact that you are open to trying new things takes a lot of courage in itself @creative_writer Acknowledge and hopefully you won't be so hard on yourself.

I, too, prefer text communication over verbal. That's just how we are. It doesn't mean anything is 'wrong'. Rather, it's about gfind ways to use our superpowers 🙂