Feeling caged up

@RiverSeal it’s tricky, I could say something to one of my supports about some of the things that a triggering me, but I don’t seem to want to let go of unhelpful behaviours that are keeping me stuck. I don’t know why it’s so hard to let go. I do want to get better, but it’s so hard. I don’t understand why I’m doing this, even when it’s not serving its purpose.

Don’t know how else to get control over my body. The daily flashbacks feel too hard. I don’t know what else to do

Sounds like a good idea @creative_writer to talk to one of your supports about it and I'm a big believer in open and honest conversations. I had music therapy today before work and I spend a lot of time talking about my current issues which often change from week to week. It's really benefical for me to get it out and hear someone else's perspective and reflections on how I am growing and developing in my recovery.

I don't know that there is an easy answer or short term fix for what you are experiencing or what any of us go through. I do know that connection has been a big part of my recovery and I would not be where I am today if I didn't make an effort to connect. It's not the only thing though a from my own experiences we need to engage in many things that are benefical for us.

I do encourage you to stay connected with the community and with your friends here on the Forums. I'm sure they will have insights to share with you too!

If you need a little extra support and want to talk with someone this evening or over the weekend do reach out to crisis supports. I have used them a lot over the years and I always find it helpful to have a chat.

RiverSeal

@RiverSeal having those conversations is so important, yet so hard. I’m guessing the likelihood of qualifying for ED plan is probably high right now, just need to wait to get assessed. I do hear the voice pushing me to go further and further. I may have had an ED for a while now.

I’m stuck in the phase of wanting to heal but too scared to change.

I think a lack of control scares a lot of us, humans often try to search for that sense of safety, sometimes it places that isn’t constructive. Knowing the consequences isn’t enough to stop me. I feel guilty, I have the privilege of having access to adequate nutrition unlike many people. I can’t even look after myself, every meal leaves me stressed

I can relate @creative_writer as I had an undiagnosed ED when I was in my early to late 20's. I did not seek support as I blamed so much on other aspects of my life. I was also battling gender dysphoria which I also did not seek support around. My ED was very challenging and exhausting most of the time as eating was so challenging. I think those experiences helped me realise I needed support when I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in my early 40's.

I encourage you to talk about it as the way things are now don't have to be that way forever. It's not necessarily going to change over night but seeking support puts you on the right path.

RiverSeal ❤️

@RiverSeal ED tend to be shame driven. It becomes a coping strategy. I reckon I first developed disordered eating traits as a teen. I did have people comment on my eating habits out of concern before, but I always found it hard to accept. I’ve been very fussy with food for a very long time. At times I felt judged for how I looked, I felt people made assumptions about my eating habits based on my physical appearance.

Disordered eating allowed me to feel a sense of control with years of mental illness. I’ve always struggled with mental health, even long before a depressive episode (which later turned out to be bipolar 2). My cptsd wasn’t this bad, sure I had some level of trauma as a child, but not like this. SA really shifted things, and made the other traumas I’ve experienced over my life heavier. The social anxiety, OCD thoughts, are all sort of connected. I always had bad anxiety as a kid, and I was neurodivergent. The anxiety did heighten with age because all the trauma added up.

I’ve started having conversations about possible ED. Getting an anorexia diagnosis won’t surprise me, it’s frustrating having another label, but it makes a ton of sense. I constantly get sick, have low energy, migraines, exercise intolerance, POTS, thin hair and a ton of other symptoms. I can see the effects already, I just never made the connection before

So true @creative_writer about shame as I experienced a lot of it with my gender dysphoria from a young age. When I was experiencing my ED is was really confused about my gender and I thought it was something that I needed to hide. It's so amazing that I have transitioned now and I don't feel the same shame as before. I feel so much better!

I'm glad that you are getting some support for your ED now. I found getting my schizophrenia diagnosis very hard to take but so empowering at the same time. It allowed me to get the support and treatment I needed and changed my life in a positive way that I did not appreciate fully at the time.

Thanks for sharing your story and giving me the opportunity to talk about my lived experience too. It is a two way street when we have conversations like this and I have really benefited from out discussion.

Thank you ❤️

RiverSeal

@RiverSeal shame is rough, it gets stored in the body and can manifest in unexpected ways. ED isn’t just about body image (a big part of it is about body image), but it also often involves shame and control. I don’t think many people realise how deep it can run. Learning to be our authentic selves can be hard.

Schizophrenia sounds rough, when I got my bipolar diagnosis it did feel like a relief, it made so much sense. Sometimes I do have mixed feelings of diagnosis, it helps but then I have lots of labels and feel so broken.

It’s been helpful talking about it, thank you 💖

Numbers are driving me insane, can’t say anything more. So angry, so consuming

I am useless

Here with you @creative_writer.

Would you like to chat about what you're feeling? 💛