Feeling caged up

Hey @creative_writer , good to hear from you. I'm glad some things have been ironed out in terms of the depression etc.

Why isn't Spring good for sleep?

@YourLocalMHGuru it is true that our brains are wired for negativity bias, and it developed from a survival perspective. It’s so much harder to focus on positive memories instead of negative. I will have a look at Pocket Psychologist

Hi Creative,

Yes, this is very true about our brains. It does suck, because fun/good times are the ones we want to remember, right?

There is a trick to it. It is said that "Neurons that fire together wire together". What this means is your attention can make neurons fire, wire stronger together through a process called myelination (a substance that coats our neurons and speeds up the signals) and make the associations (bits and pieces of memories - they are never stored in one place but broken into pieces to place all around the brain; they have a theory this is done to protect us from brain trauma like an aquired brain injury) there stronger. So, next time you are in a good time, try breaking what you are experiencing into real pieces - what are you feeling, what are you smelling, what are you hearing, etc. Then think of those pieces and remember another time you experienced that.

For example (these are at random, but they need to be associated with real things that make you personally happy): Say you are at a picnic with friends. You note the breeze in your hair, reminding you of the times at the beach reading a book. You hear happy chatter from folks in the park, which reminds you of the happy chatter around the christmas dinner table. You see each one of your friends, which reminds you of a special moment shared with each one of them. You see the carrot cake your friend made, which reminds you of an Easter you got a pretty outfit. So on and so forth.

The more you tie memories to other happy memories, the stronger the brain's association pockets get. Then, when you have alone time. Meditate on one word and see where your mind takes you. If it goes to a negative, swipe left on it - don't entertain it, and steer back to a better thought.

Your attention is within your control. When left unattented to, it can take you down some troubled roads. But with your control, it will be your shield.

If you are interested in this kind of insight into your brain vs mind, have a look at cognitive neuroscience on memories and them social psychology on memories. There is also Cognitive Behavioural Therapy conversations about memories.

I am really very sorry to hear of your ace experiences. It is always heartbreaking to hear about children suffering during such a critical time where they need stability, peace, hope, joy, safety, etc.

Don't blame yourself for thinking about the trauma. In many ways, you kind of have to to get through to the other side. You are doing what a most humans do. We worry about the past and stress about the future.

I was an ace as well. I'm not anymore. It took a lot of work, a lot of consideration about parents and others who harmed me as falliable human beings, and a lot of being honest with myself. I hope one day you get to a point where you think, "so much affected me, but I am not going to let what's happened predict how my todays and tomorrows will be." One of the many benefits of growing up is you get to take the reigns of your life and you've come armed knowing exactly what you don't want in your life. Building a strong spine that stands up for your boundaries is a skill and a life saver.

You mentioned coming from a cultural background with an emphasis on marriage, I am interested in learning more about what importance this has to you?

Thanks for sharing @creative_writer .

Hope things improve for you. Have you been going out much? Volunteering?

If you set a bit of a routine for yourself, if you don't have one already, would that help?

I am really sorry to hear you had to learn how to cope alone. That's really tough. 🫂 It sounds like you've already done some thinking about your parents position and what may have contributed to how they were. I am not sure how old you are, but I am 38 and my generation was the first to learn of mental health, impact of emotions, etc. Our parents really were a product of their time and saw a fair share of their own traumas and developed poor coping skills and communication skills that often come out in their marriage and parenting. One of the ways ace helped me is I didn't want to be them - I wanted to hone my emotional intelligence, so I pursued it and live my life outloud, emotions experienced, thoughts said. I don't fear our human experience like they did. I consider my Mother the breaker of chains for that. She broke a legacy of trauma through me, because I didn't want to be as much of a closet feeler as she was. Have you forgiven them for what's happened between you all?

Ace doesn't define you, but it did play a part of building your character.

Ah. The societal pressures of marriage and children. Honey, that is 100% your call. Whatever makes you happiest, because you're the one who has to live with your decisions. I got married at 36 and I am not having any children. I know a lot of cultures outside my own would think this is not right or that I might be some kind of "spinster" and I was and am totally fine with that. I married for love, and nothing less. I won't have children because this world needs to fix a lot of things before I would ever want to raise kids in it. They have it so hard now a days, far harder than I had it and I thought my youth was tough. Your family might feel bound by their traditions, but a lot of young folks of India, Vietnam, Japan, China are all trying to change the traditional narrative because the world has changed. Sometimes traditions stop making sense.