Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Good Morning my angel,

Well i suppose you are getting the girls ready for school, i hope you find another pretty place to spend the day, oh i have been meaning to ask you, how is the house going? is their any snags holding the sale up?

Well not much on the agenda here today i am sitting at my desk as i wrtie to you, listening to the rooster, he started at 5:10am i think he is going to be on the menu tonight!!!!

i hope you managed some rest and not too muc hanxiety last night.

i am making a 200l water tank out of an old garbage bin i have had stored in the shed, i have made an inlet for the water to come in from the drain pipe, and put a tap in the bottom of the bin. i thought it would be a good idea to use rain water to water the pot plants, i have got it almost finished, just need to fix a few leaks on it and it is ready.

i don't like wasting anything, being poor for the past 8 years, has made me dislike wast.

Well i hope you manage a ok day, i will be online most of the day if you would like to talk or just sit with me.

Take care my friend

Jacques

Hi Jacques

That's great idea to store water for the garden, you have so many awesome ideas.

The hhouse will settle on the 31August. I don't know how I feel about it, I thought I would be happy but I'm not looking forward to it. Numb it's a lot of pressure.

Self doubt negative stuff.

I've set no time frame to when we move in it will just add to my stress and anxiety.

I would also like to have the major stuff done before we move.

Stumps will have to be first and roof and fascia.

New bathrooms, laundry, kitchen, flooring and painted.

Yea not much pressure. Mum is still telling me to have the laundry in with the bathroom so she will have her own room. That's even more pressure.

Anyway J thinking of you

Karen

I am sorry Karen, i thought you would be looking ofrward to the beautiful scenery from your own balcony, instead of sitting in the car.

i know you will make the house a home, maybe some self-worth and self-confidence will come from the renovations as you get through them one by one, try not to look at it as a whole picture, i usually just focus on one room at a time, break it down.

anyway i hope you manage, your girls will be proud of you. and so will i.

thank you my angel, i am thinking of you too, i am here if you need some company.

Jacques

Hi My Angel,

you have been a bit quiet today, i am just checking in to see if you are ok, i am sorry if i triggered you with the house talk.

i know you like alone time so their is no need to respond, i just thought i would let you know i am thinking of you.

take care, be safe my angel

Jacques

Hi Jacques

Sorry just having a low day. Nothing you said.

I have so much on my shoulders with the house. Everyone wanting to be paid by bank cheques. Then hand delivered to different locations. All very triggering. So I haven't done it.

I'm so tired of avoiding what needs to be done because I'm scared and anxiety. I haven't even sorted the utilities. I'm making such a mess and everyday the pressure builds.

So my friend you have done nothing it just me. Between seeing my private psychologist tomorrow, taking the girls to their psychology on Thursday. It's all I can manage in a week.

I hope your day was ok and you managed to do some gardening.

I've been thinking of you and trying to imagine what you would do

Karen

it's ok Karen,

yes it is a lot of pressure, i can't imagine how hard it actually is, you are doing well, you still have time, dont pressure yourself too much. once the house is sorted you can get utilities on any time, you are not moving in straight away anyway.

it is ok, i am always worried i am upsetting you, i know you have had a very busy and difficult few weeks, but you are coping and managing well under the curcumstances, i could not do what you are doing ,so good on you for pushing youraself.

no i have been in the house all day, not doing much, sleeping mostly, i felt a little adgitated today, but i managed to work through it.

My angel, please keep being strong, you are an amazing person, you are pushing yourself every day, i wish i was as strong as you, you are my inspiration.

try to focus on the moment tonight use your sensery box to stay focused, otherwise you will get anxious about tomorrow, i will be herre for you tomorrow, i know you will struggle, so i will be here to support and protect you.

i hope you are managing to have a nice time with the girls.

Jacques

Thanks Jacques

I'll let you know how it goes.

To top it off my mobile phone battery is only lasting a couple of hours. And shuts down.

No way I can get it fixed.

Have a peaceful evening j

Take care

Karen

Hi Jacques

It's a sunny day here today.....yay

I'm sitting in the car waiting to see my psychiatrist. I don't think I can tell her how bad things are for me. So tired of holding safety.... I just want it to stop.

The new medication hasn't worked. I don't see the point in the medication when all it does is make me put on weight which makes me more depressed.

It would be ok if the suicide stuff had eased, or how low I am all the time I then could accept the extra weight. But nothin has changed.

I will probably just go in and say I'm fine.....

My public treating team told me I need respite care and to ask the private psychiatrist if she could arrange it..... just too scared.

I hope everything is ok in your world.

Thinking of you j

Karen

Hello My Angel,

i am so glad you have a nice sunny day, it does lift ones mood, i know it does mine

Karen their is no point seeing your mental health professionals if you are not going to be honest, i know it is hard, i know the medication is causing problems, but you just need to find the right medication mix for you, it will take time, but you need to be honest, i find my medication causes me to focus on suicide too, but i fight the thoughts, it is tiring but we have no choice.

my thoughts are with you today, i know you are really struggling, i wish i could be their for you, in person.

today is sunny here too, not doing much, really tired today, just stuffing around on my computer, the story of my life, i am not up or down today, just flat. anyway i hope things go well, one day i hope you can get the proper help you so desperately deserve.

i am here if you need me, i am online all day, (maybe not this arvo, might have a sleep)

i am with you my angel

Jacques