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Despair potential trigger: abuse

hiddeniteSenior Contributor30 Jan 2015, 8:13 pm AEDT

Despair potential trigger: abuse

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.

I saw a trauma psychologist for 10 months twice a week, but she stopped seeing me when my safety became an issue while processing the trauma.

My symptoms are so bad now I isolate myself in the car everyday to avoid triggers and flashbacks. Unable to go to strange places, talk to people. Just don't belong anywhere. Anxiety so bad I shake most of the time, chest pain and hard to breathe... This isn't living......

I'm too damaged to be helped, I have tried but no one will help me..... They just tell me its too complex and they are unable to help. I don't know what do do I have no support isolated, alone and scared....

1050 replies

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In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

kristinSenior Contributor28 Mar 2015, 9:51 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Dear Karen

Yes the fire is on, and you are most welcome to come over and warm up! I'll make us both a milo, if you like them? You are not empty at all (though I understand that feeling). You're a courageous, persistent woman with a caring and generous heart who is a loving mum and a survivor.

It is supposed to warm up tomorrow for a few days. I took my 6yo and a grilfriend's two girls for a walk along the rail trail, down to 3 sugars, then along the river across the swing bridge and back to my friend's - it was a lovely walk and the girls were racing forward a bit then running back to me. Thankfully although it was overcast it wasn't too cold. Hopefully all the girls will sleep well (and me too!).

My poor friend was exhausted (averaging 4 hours sleep a night) so she headed off to bed. I cooked some pasta for the girls and I; then brought my girl home for warm milk, stories and bed. I think I might make myself a Horlicks before bed to help me get to sleep. I managed a bit of a sleep in today. My little girl made me toast with homemade blackberry jam and brought it to me in bed this morning, she's such a sweetie - I haven't the heart to tell her I don't like it much! I just eat it and thank her.

I'll be lighting a candle for you again tonight, and another for @kato . You are both very much in my prayers, as is @Rick .

Hope for peace-filled sleep endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

peaceSenior Contributor29 Mar 2015, 1:01 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Hey darling @hiddenite isn't it the most healing fire. It reminds me of the American Indian"s.
WWhat animal do you think you are?
And what animal would you like to evolve into?

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor29 Mar 2015, 8:04 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Hi just checking in again. Still sitting at the end of my bed shaking. Alone and having a good cry after seeing my daughters. My 6 year old was so upset it took three people to pull her off me so mum could take them home. Even the nurse cried.
I don't know how to make it better. Weak and pathetic to end up in a Mhu I should be able to fight this.
I loathe myself my daughters would be better off without me.
I just mess everything up.

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

kristinSenior Contributor29 Mar 2015, 8:31 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Dearest Karen, ( @hiddenite )

This is not your fault, and they are not better off without you. They need you that's why she didn't want to let go. It's not as if you wanted to go into the MHU.

Please hold on my friend.

Hope for a peaceful walk along the river endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

nigiocSenior Contributor29 Mar 2015, 8:41 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Hi @hiddenite

I'm so sorry that you went though that. I'm sure it was very traumatic. I know how easy it can be to arrive at that saddest of conclusions, that they would be better off without you, when you're in such a low place and you have to pull them off you, crying.

But I want to say, one mum to another, and from one who knows that dark place, I can absolutely tell you that your daughter is crying and holding on to your neck because she loves you and if she had the ability she would say 'more than anything I need you in my life for as long as possible. You are everything to me mum and I want you to get well so I can have you back home with me. ' Of course, she's little so she just cries and holds you but that's really what she means.

Hang in there. And everytime you start telling yourself those harsh things, imagine them talking to you instead. Imagine what they would say if they could. Just think of their love and use it as a light to shine on the dark stuff.

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor29 Mar 2015, 8:41 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Hugs for you @hiddenite
Please please please don't be so hard on yourself
You are doing all you can and it will take time
I am wondering if you could talk to the hospital social worker before your girls visit next? Maybe the social worker will have some ideas of how to keep the visits less traumatising for you and your daughters..or maybe some folks here have been through a similar situation.
Not weak and not pathetic, not ever...
Crying is OK..and it is a release..that is why we can cry...I would be bawling too if I hadn't seen my boys and they wanted to stay...
Come sit by the bonfire tonight and let us weep some of your tears..

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor29 Mar 2015, 9:02 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Thanks for the support I don't deserve it though.
I'm a cold and empty shell. Guilt ashamed and hopeless to do this to my girls.
I'm beyond help too broken to be fixed.

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

kristinSenior Contributor29 Mar 2015, 9:11 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

No - not too broken to be made whole. Just no bugger in that place who are meant to be helping you seems to have any clue, so instead they make you worse. They make me so angry. You need help, and you deserve help. We all do.

Karen hope for helpful help does endure...

The fire is going, I will be lighting the candles for the night soon. Why don't you come and sit in the big armchair next to the fire and have a Horlicks? (I find it helps me get to sleep a bit easier.)

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

hiddeniteSenior Contributor29 Mar 2015, 9:19 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Thanks Kristin
I would love to sit with you for awhile. I don't talk so I won't bother you.
I'm exhausted traumatized and lost all hope and the will to fight. Im just going to rot in this place

In response to: Re: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

PeppiPattySenior Contributor29 Mar 2015, 9:25 pm AEDT

Re: Despair potential trigger: abuse

Dearest @hiddenite,

I pressed the message where you put yourself down : to acknowledge your feelings.

Something you need to decide when to practice ...how to stop.
and we will all be here for you when you decide to stop putting yourself down.

Just to let you know: the story of the Mother.....after years of not being whole and talking to Her daughters when they are in their late teens........that for a few years she was not whole and then she got better to be strong for them.....
reads more honest than the Mothers who deny being like that ever.

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