Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Big bang theory is a comedy.

I like renovating shows. I have fully renovated two houses, myself. Something l was proud of.

Thanks cb maybe I'm not that useless....

Wow! That's amazing that you've won awards for restoring cars and you've done a couple of house renovations. You sound very talented. It all sounds very hands on.

- What sort of cars do you like working on?

- How did you find doing house renovations? What did you enjoy most? I hear it can be very challenging... but maybe that's with all the TV shows about house renos.

- Kindergarten teacher, sounds like you are very caring and patient person. Though, from what I can see of your responses to others in this forum, I think we already knew that are very caring. What would you enjoy most about being a kindergarten teacher?

I've done 2 mini cooper s, sandman panelvan holden, fj40 Toyota Land cruiser, Mercedes Benz, and converted a BMW from left hand drive to right hand drive.

The satisfaction of seeing the renovation completed, perfection. I also enjoy the demolition part of renovating.

I was offered a position a couple a years ago in a kindergarten, enrolled, got my work placements everything organized my husband stopped me from being able to do it I was devastated. Just part of the control he had.

Children are great if they don't like something they will tell you. Their innocence. Enjoy the simple things in life don't overcomplicate things. There joy and happiness.

Thanks for you time tonight cb.

I hope you have something kind planned for yourself on the weekend. It can take a lot out of you helping others.

So don't forget to treat yourself. I appreciate your kindness and distraction. Reminding me that maybe I'm not that worthless...

So grateful

Take care

Sounds like you've done a lot of car renos! How many years had you worked on cars?

Yeah, I agree with you, kids can teach us many lessons about simplicity in life. Us adults can complicate things, and let our history burden our present, whereas children are free and innocent. Sorry to hear that you couldn't follow up the teaching postion. Though the fact, you were offered a position in the past says you could do it again. Is it something that you would consider?

We're about to close the forums. So I will leave you with one question to ponder until the next time we speak. I'm tomorrow if you want to drop in then.

- Where would you like to be in 5 years? Don't think of restraints, but dream big.

It's been a real pleasure getting to know you more tonight, @hiddenite . You have many talents.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until then,

Stay safe and stay cool (it'll be hot tomorrow)

CB

Hi CB

thanks for your time last night I really hope you get to do something nice for yourself today you deserve it.

I thought I would share a little about myself.

I'm from a country town, lived on a property that backed onto national forest. In winter there would be snow on the mountains behind. There was a river across the road that you could always hear, it gave me peace and comfort being able to listen to the water.

Only electricity and phone, every couple of weeks we would have to pump for water.

Lots of animals would visit daily, king parrots that I would hand feed. Kookaburras, major mitchals, cockatoos. Heaps of rabbits, deer, kangaroo's and wallabies. Even had a wombat that would come to the house and poo at the bottom of the steps every night. Yuk....

On really hot days a two meter goanna would come and visit looking for water.

Echidnas, fox's, barn owl, so much wildlife...never got used to the snakes. Tiger,brown,copperheads,and red belly blacks.

I renovated the house, it looked like a county home out of a magazine. I was so proud. It was perfect...well almost....

Thanks for showing some interest in me. Now its your turn I would love to hear a little about you.

Take care

Dear @hiddenite

It is amazing what you have done, good for you! Would it help to just gently hold the possibility that in the longer term (however long that might be) you may be able to do parts of these things, which are clearly gifts, once again? I hear what you say about your husband stopping you - such a significant part of domestic violence is the control and emotional abuse. Sadly not at all well understood by the general population, or even by some within the "helping" professions.

Anne liked one of my older posts about a blog (thanks @PeppiPatty !), regarding managing flashbacks, last night and I've realised it might be of help to you. The link is here , you might also find the whole thread of interest or help as it is generally about trauma.

I am working on getting permission to post the poem I mentioned, so we will see. I'll post it if I can.

I also thought you might find this science blog of interest. I really enjoy the posts - quite unusual and very readable language.

My friend in reply to Sandy you said "I'm my own worst enemy, I've taken over punishing myself from him.". This is exactly what ongoing abuse does to anyone. It doesn't make it the victim/survivor's fault, nor does it mean they can't be helped. What it does mean is that helping requires much more skill and understanding, and great courage on the part of the survivor. There is no doubt you have that courage. What is missing here is someone compassionate and skilled and understanding enough to support you sufficiently on your journey. There is a better tomorrow, and you DO deserve a better tomorrow, despite what you have been told for so many years.

At least until you find that help, please continue to walk this road with us - we cannot carry you, you cannot carry us, but we can share much care and wisdom gained on the journey.

Hope for helpful help endures...

Kindest regards, Kristin

PS please take a water bottle or two with you if you are out-bush in your car today.

Dear @hiddenite

I want to second what @CherryBomb says about you NOT being a waste of space, or a parasite. You belong here, we know you have inherent worth - even if others are too blind to see it. You are truly welcome here.

You don't bring us down, we are just deeply concerned about you and want to see you able to access helpful help - whatever that might be for you (because it means different things to different people). Just because you have particular sensitivities due to past abuse does not mean you can't be helped. It does mean that anyone who is going to help needs to listen rather than talk, and clearly it's important that they're not male if you need to speak to them or see them. This too is very understandable given what has happened to you. What you are asking is not impossible, nor even exceptionally difficult, in my view. It requires what there seem s to have been far too little of - which is someone in MH services to actually listen to and respect your needs, and then see what can be done to meet them.

Sending you lots of cyber-hugs. I'd happily give you real ones if I could. In the meantime may you be held and embraced genlty in angel's wings, so you can have some rest from the need for hypervigilance (which is exhausting, I know).

Kindest regards,

Kristin

Hi Kristen

I greatly appreciate your concerns it has been such a hot day to be isolated in the car. I'm finding that's not providing comfort anymore either.

I don't have hope I have tried so hard, fought for so long but have lost sight of what hope even feels like. I'm running such a fine line and it scares me so much.

I use to know why I was fighting but I have lost sight of that too.

Just darkness, I hurt and in so much pain....that's all I know.

I find comfort in your words thank you.

I hope you have enjoyed a day off,

Take care

@hiddenite thanks for letting us know about you. Your house sounds beautiful.

About me? Thank you too for showing interesting in me.

I live in the inner city - feels like I'm in the big smoke, but I really love being out in nature. Actually, today I took a trip out of the city to rest by a water hole in a national park. It was serene and energising. I'm pretty outdoorsy, I've been rock climbing for a while now. It's certainly not the thrill that I enjoy but more being outside and camping. I make a point of getting out of the city at least once a week if not to climb, then at least to hike, or to just sit and be by the water like today. I love it so much I'm moving out of the city to be closer to the mountains mid this year. Looking forward to the fresh air.

I also enjoy reading and writing. Just finished a great book called 'The Kite Runner'. Do you like reading? Or do you have any favourite books?

BTW, I did this really interesting strengths based quiz. It's based on positive psychology, which instead of placing focus on pathology, it looks at character strengths. I dig it. As I mentioned earlier, I think we can focus so much on MI that we tend to overlook other wonderful parts of ourselves. My top strengths are:

1.) Gratitude

2.) Humour

3.) Curiousity

What about you? Want to give the quiz ago?