Ex partner still living with me, break-up blindsided me and has an abusive manchild attitude

Hey @Weeb ,

Great to see you. Hope things have been okay (or as okay as it can be).

I hear your struggles in that you have been so lenient in letting your ex stay with you.

Is your ex aware that how you feel about things and that you are looking at options around potentially 'kicking him out'?

I'm guessing the service would've provided you with 1800RESPECT to contact?

You deserve to be treated fairly and respectfully. I hope you find a way forward through this.

Thank you for sharing.

@tyme.

Nope. He won't know until he's hit with papers, which my parents will also look at. I'm currently leaning towards giving him less than a week to collect his things and either get a place with a coworker or drive all the way from whichever family member will take him. His parents are currently renovating their property, but I think they might still have an apartment in Bris city or they just sold it. So they're staying with a relative. Doubt there will be space there. But hey, actions have consequences. I'll make sure the consequences are within legal limits.

1800 RESPECT was one of them, DV connect, Ask Izzy website.

@tyme

Or tossing up with letting him live in shame for a month or 2 (reasonable time to find a place) if he agrees to the behaviour plan, and have the previous paragraph as, "If you breach behaviour plan/terms once, you're out within a week or 3 days. Poor behaviour is 3 days or a week. Threats of violence is a police call and immediate departure. Both of which, his parents will be notified with a copy of the document and a little note to remind them not to be mad at him because he NEEDS their support. 3 is a good magical number aye. All good things come in 3's, they say. So, I am making sure the document is as unlikely as humanly possible to be misunderstood. And if he gets mad with the document, I will state at the top, "You will be asked to leave immediately and parents contacted with document forwarded to them. So please, take your time to read and understand this, and only respond when you're calm so you can make an informed response." I feel like a part of me wants to show some compassion and let his punishment be living uncomfortably in shame. Maybe I'll extend it to 3 months for longer shame living, but I think 2 months is very reasonable, and my parents might want him out even sooner.

@tyme @AlwaysMyself So uni doc appointment was cancelled today and rescheduled for Wednesday, so MH plan psychiatrist diagnosis will come later (my 3rd biggest priority. 1st protecting my peace from manchild. 2nd saving money for cat vet visit around Sept/Oct since it's likely he'll need more teeth pulled, 4th uni deadlines). Parents said they're visiting oldest bro in NSW for a week from 9/10-16/17th Aug. So I'm thinking it's safer for me to have the document served just after they return and just avoid him as much as possible. That way, my focus can be on uni deadlines for now. And there's always 000 if I need it. I do have many friends who know what's happening and about to happen soon. So, they are aware of the situation.

Hi @Weeb sorry to hear the doc appt was postponed, but glad its still within a week - not too long to go!

I strongly encourage you to ensure to put your safety first - as you say, you have the DV support numbers, friends/family who are aware (and hopefully can come over if you need? Or come pick you up?), and if the worst ever happens confidence to call the police.

You mentioned toying with the idea of letting him stay longer as punishment for him to "be in shame".

Do you think he would see that as punishment? Do you think he feels ashamed of living with you and your parents?

How would it impact you if you did let him stay longer? It sounds like every day with him in the house is causing a lot of stress for you. It sounds like having him move out as soon as possible might reduce the stress and triggers for you?

Im wondering if his returning to his parents for the weekend is a sign that he is also finding it difficult to remain living in the house too, and seeking some time away with his parents - but as you note its too far for him to commute during the week.

If so, hopefully he will himself also be wanting to move out and start searching for a suitable place ASAP, especially if his family can give him support to look on weekends.

Do you know if he started looking at places yet?

I have a lot of struggles with my husband around housework too. In a previous relationship I didnt cope as well with handling the situation; I like to think I do it a little better now, but I know I still find it really hard to bring up the topic when someone isn't doing their allocated chores. My ex described me as "a dragon" because I always had to nag him to do things. I've made a deliberate effort not to do that with my husband now, and instead start with an enquiry about how he is before I bring the topic up - to see if maybe he hasn't done the chores because he's not coping.

@AlwaysMyself
I'd prefer, when my parents are away to be at home to feed cat. He is my child.

The idea of him living in shame was inspired by my mother cause just a few days before breaking up, he tends to wake up earlier than me because of work alarm so on weekends wakes up earlier. One night he woke up earlier than usual and wanted to watch vids on his phone but lie down and didn't want to disturb me so he used the room he's currently using now but didn't bother with bedsheets. So mother noticed phone charger and unmade bed. Told him if he was to use it, put bedsheets on. He didn't so parents did and I was like, just tell him to do it when he gets back from work. Mum, "No, we'll do it. Let him feel some shame."

As for whether or not he see's it as shame, depends on how he comphrehends the document. So you raise a good point. Because I'm torn between allowing a reasonable time to find a place and wanting him out immediately. Hence the 1 strike policy if breaches any behaviour things.

I don't know if he's started looking for a new place yet because I think he's running under the assumption he has until the end of the year when I first said he has to correct his behaviour otherwise we're done.

As for 'dragon' behaviour, I only remind him of things that need to be when it comes to living harmoniously, such as the teeth brushing and mentioning the equivalency of exchange as well as what I've talked about in previous posts in this thread like communication styles. And when he mentioned he has Asperger's he listed off things like having problems with reciprocity and communication, to which, after he finished speaking, mentioned that so you mentioned you have problems with rec & comm, which is what I've been trying to explain whenever you dismiss my reality and believe what you see through actions is the whole truth without hearing out the toughts, intentions, perceptions of others. Still nope. Further elaborated after he cried I'm not accepting him and dismissing who he is as, "No. I'm hearing and recognising exactly who you are and part of growing up and not growing old together is pointing out each others areas of needed growth." And I have said on multiple other occassions the dangers of a diagnosis or self-diagnosis is staying stuck in that mindset and using it as an excuse for poor behaviour.

In previous households he has explained stories of how he'd be the only one cleaning and cooking (all other housemates were on meth but him). So I know he is very capable of household tasks, while working.

And considering he'll be home soon, I might go back to starting on document tomorrow or when he leaves for the weekend. In the mean time, I'm going to relax. Meditate and think of how to structure my time for the weekend in order of uni deadlines and self-imposed deadlines.

Sounds like maybe some hard boundaries need to be set @Weeb ?

I just hope that you can make any decision that supports your own mental health and wellbeing. You deserve it.

It sounds like you have your parents' support, right?

@tyme @AlwaysMyself

Yeah, so tonight at dinner told my parents about it, and they decided they'll just tell him he needs to move out. And that I often didn't tell them because I wanted to give him time to move out, which is true. They'll also say they don't believe his behaviour is right in living together harmoniously, so he needs to start looking for a place immediately. Because at this point, I honestly don't think it matters how I communicate it. Even if it's the right way. He's not hearing it. So why waste my words on a man who is blind in more ways than one? If it comes from me, it won't matter. If it comes from somebody else, it will

That sounds a really good strategy with your parents asking him to move out @Weeb 🙂 . I use that sometimes with my husband too when he seems to dismiss an important issue i raise, if my mum raises the same thing to me as "can you please tell xxx that he needs to...." ill ask her to please tell him directly because I have already asked him the same and it still doesnt happen, but I know he will listen to my mum more because she owns the house. He takes it more seriously.

Please let me know how it goes @Weeb ! All fingers and toes crossed for you and your parents. And fingers crossed for your.ex being able to find accommodation ASAP because that in turn helps you 🙂

@AlwaysMyself Thanks and will do. For now it just hurts that all the effort and acts of service I did to love and support him were taken for granted, dismissed, and, devalued, alongside with me, my feelings, my growth, and my reality. And it's like I finally have the time for that to truly sink in, grieving hurts. I need to stop thinking of the 7 month comment because it's like, yeah, before moving in my focus was pretty much only on him during the weekends. Since moving in, I have more than just him to focus on, so things will be missed if not communicated. I'm not a mind reader. But it's okay. It's not my first rodeo.